How I Overcame My Darkest Days: My Way of Protecting My Heart - Maintaining Mental Health

Introduction: That Morning I Couldn't Get Out of Bed

"I can't do this anymore."

One Monday morning, even when the alarm went off, I couldn't get out of bed.

My body felt as heavy as lead. My mind was a complete blank. I knew I had to go to work, but my body wouldn't move.

I sent a message to my boss on my phone: "I'm taking the day off due to illness." It wasn't a lie. My heart had caught a full-blown cold.

That day, I stayed in bed for 12 hours. I didn't move an inch except to go to the bathroom. I didn't eat. I just stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about how worthless I was.

Looking back now, I think that was a mild state of depression.

Warning Signs of a Mental Breakdown

Looking back, there were always warning signs when my mental health was about to collapse.

Physical signs:

• Unable to wake up in the morning

• Loss of appetite (or overeating)

• Inability to sleep, or sleeping too much

• Severe headaches and stiff shoulders

• Stomach aches

Mental signs:

• Nothing feels fun anymore

• Don't want to see anyone

• The future looks pitch black

• Getting irritated over trivial things

• Making "whatever" and "it's impossible" your catchphrases

Signs in your behavior:

• Your room becomes messy

• You stop taking baths

• You stop replying to messages

• You cancel plans at the last minute

• You make more mistakes at work

In my case, the first sign was "not being able to wake up in the morning." Even if I set five alarms, I would turn them all off and go back to sleep. Then, I would jump out of bed just in time to be late, and feel self-loathing.

This vicious cycle was the first step toward a mental breakdown.

Facing a broken mental state

The day after that day when I couldn't get out of bed, I dragged my heavy body to a psychosomatic clinic.

Honestly, I had a lot of resistance. I thought, "Going to a mental health clinic is like admitting defeat." But I had reached my limit.

In the waiting room, I filled out a medical questionnaire. "How has your mood been lately?" "Are you sleeping well?" "How is your appetite?" I could only write negative answers to every question.

In the examination room, the doctor asked me kindly.

"When did you start feeling unwell?"

Once I started talking, I couldn't stop. The pressure at work, worries about relationships, anxiety about the future, disappointment in myself. I talked for the entire 30-minute consultation.

The doctor finally said this:

"Thank you for coming in. You must have been struggling, carrying all of this on your own. Let's work on getting better, little by little, together."

Those words almost made me cry. I didn't realize how much of a relief it would be to have someone say, "You must have been struggling."

The conflict of relying on medication

The doctor prescribed me a mild anti-anxiety medication.

"You might feel resistant at first, but there is no shame in temporarily relying on the power of medicine. If you break a bone, you use a cast, right? It's the same thing."

However, I felt a huge resistance to taking medication.

"Relying on medicine makes me a weak person."
"Once I start, won't I be unable to stop?"
"What if the side effects make me even worse?"

For the first week, I just stared at the prescribed medicine and couldn't bring myself to take it.

But one morning, when I couldn't get out of bed again, I decided to take the plunge and try it.

Thirty minutes later, I felt like my body was a little lighter. It wasn't a dramatic change. But I thought, 'Maybe I can go to work today.'

The medicine wasn't magic. But it became a small cane to help me take a step forward from rock bottom.

Small habits I incorporated into my daily life

I decided not to rely solely on medication, but to also re-evaluate my daily life. Referring to information from my doctor and the internet, I gradually changed my habits.

1. Morning routine

• When the alarm goes off, open the curtains first

• Soak up the sunlight (even on rainy days, stand by the window)

• Drink a cup of warm water

• Take a 5-minute walk (at first, just go around the house once)

2. Improving my diet

• Always eat breakfast (even just one banana is fine)

• Reduce convenience store meals and cook more at home

• Be careful not to consume too much sugar (because it causes mood swings)

3. Exercise habits

• 30-minute walk, twice a week

• 10 minutes of exercise while watching YouTube workout videos

• Use the stairs instead of the elevator

4. Improve sleep quality

• Avoid looking at your smartphone for one hour before bed

• Keep the room dark and at a comfortable temperature

• Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day

5. Connection with others

• Talk to someone at least once a week (a phone call is fine)

• Find someone you can honestly tell when you're not feeling well

• Reduce time spent on social media

At first, all of this felt like a chore. But I started with what I could do, one thing at a time. I decided that 60% was good enough, because trying to be perfect makes it impossible to keep going.

Keep an 'emotional weather forecast'

I started keeping an 'emotional weather forecast' on the recommendation of my psychiatrist.

Every night before bed, I describe how I felt that day using weather terms.

• Sunny: Feeling great

• Partly cloudy: Feeling okay

• Cloudy: Feeling normal

• Rainy: Feeling unwell

• Stormy: Feeling terrible

And, I make a brief note of the reason.

Example:
“Today is cloudy. It was raining in the morning, but it cleared up when I had lunch with a colleague at noon. I made a mistake at night, so it’s cloudy again.”

After doing this for a month, I started to see my own patterns.

• Mondays are usually “rainy” (the post-weekend blues)

• Days when I talk to people tend to be “sunny”

• The day after a lack of sleep is always “rainy”

• Friday nights are “sunny” (anticipation for the weekend)

Once you know the patterns, you can come up with countermeasures. Don’t push yourself on Mondays. Be careful not to get sleep-deprived. When you’re feeling down, consciously talk to people.

Noticing cognitive distortions

Of everything I learned in counseling, the concept of “cognitive distortions” was the most helpful.

We think we are seeing reality accurately, but in fact, we are often looking through distorted glasses.

Cognitive distortions I used to have often:

1. All-or-nothing thinking
“If I can’t do it perfectly, there’s no point.”
→ “Even a 60% score is better than zero.”

2. Overgeneralization
“I failed once, so I will definitely fail next time too.”
→ “I failed last time, but I don’t know about next time.”

3. Mental filter
“Even if they praise me, it must be flattery.”
→ “Let’s try to accept it at face value.”

4. Disqualifying the positive
“It went well just by chance.”
→ “It might be the result of my efforts.”

5. Jumping to conclusions
“That person didn’t greet me. They must hate me.”
→ “Maybe they just didn’t notice me.”

Just noticing these distortions made things much easier. I became able to call myself out, thinking, “Oh, I’m doing all-or-nothing thinking right now.”

Building a support system

Don’t fight alone. I learned that this is the most important thing for maintaining mental health.

My support system:

1. Professionals

• Psychiatrist (monthly check-ups)

• Counselor (every two weeks)

2. Friends

• Best friend from high school (I can talk to them about anything)

• Colleague from work (we can vent to each other about work)

3. Family

• Mother (she worries too much, but she is on my side)

• Younger sister (she gives surprisingly accurate advice)

4. Community

• Online self-help group

• Hobby circle (programming study group)

5. Professionals

• Company industrial physician

• Employee Assistance Program (EAP)

At first, I thought it was embarrassing to rely on others. But relying on people is not a weakness. Rather, I have come to believe that knowing your limits and being able to ask for help appropriately is a strength.

Practicing relaxation methods

I have also learned several ways to cope when stress builds up.

1. Breathing technique
Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds. Repeat this 5 times. It is simple, but highly effective.

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Tense each part of your body, then release all at once. Follow the order: shoulders → arms → legs.

3. Mindfulness
Focus on the present moment. Personally, mindful eating (savoring every bite) was the easiest for me to do.

4. Journaling
Write down everything you are thinking on paper. Since no one else will see it, you can be completely honest.

5. List of Things You Love
Make a 'list of things you love' when you are feeling well. When you feel down, pick something from the list and do it.

My list of things I love:

• Watching cat videos

• Taking a hot shower

• Listening to my favorite music

• Going for a walk

• Drinking coffee at a cafe

• Re-reading manga I read in the past

Love and Mental Health

In romantic relationships, mental stability is super important.

In the past, my mental state was like a rollercoaster when it came to dating.

Got a text from someone I liked → Heaven
Left on read → Hell
Made a date plan → Heaven
Got stood up → Hell

I was constantly being swayed by the other person.

However, once I learned how to take care of my own mental health, my relationships became more stable too.

• Don't let the other person's reactions dictate your mood

• Don't base your self-worth on someone else's evaluation

• Be able to think 'it just wasn't meant to be' even if you get rejected

• Learning to value time alone

As a result, my relaxed attitude started to look attractive in a way. It was as if the desperation had vanished.

I still have my ups and downs

To be honest, I still have waves in my mental state even now.

Just last month, I made a big mistake at work and felt down for about three days. I almost entered 'I'm useless' mode.

But what's different from the past is that I know how to bounce back.

• Keep an emotional weather forecast

• Rely on a support system

• Choose and do something from my 'things I love' list

• Check for cognitive distortions

• Use medication if necessary

In three days, I recovered from 'rain' to 'cloudy.' In a week, I was back to 'sunny.'

There is no such thing as a perfect mental state. It's natural to have waves. What's important is knowing how to surface when you sink.

Practical advice: To you who are struggling with your mental health

If you are also struggling with your mental health, this is the one thing I want to tell you.

1. Don't carry it all alone
Just talking to someone solves half the problem. A friend, family member, professional—anyone is fine.

2. Relying on a professional is not shameful
Use psychosomatic medicine and counseling as much as you need. Seeing a mental health professional is a normal thing to do.

3. Start with a small step
Don't try to change everything at once. Even just a five-minute walk today is okay.

4. Don't seek perfection
60 points is a passing grade. In fact, perfectionism is the cause of mental breakdown.

5. Be kind to yourself
Don't say harsh things to yourself that you wouldn't say to others. You are one of your own important friends.

Conclusion: Whether it's cloudy or rainy, you are still you

My emotional weather forecast for today is "sunny with occasional clouds."

I woke up feeling good this morning, but felt a bit irritated on the commuter train. However, I recovered after drinking coffee at my favorite cafe. As I write this manuscript, it's starting to clear up a bit again.

On days when my mental state isn't great, I often think like this:

"It's raining today. But rainy days are necessary, too. For plants to grow, both sunny days and rainy days are needed."

Whatever the weather is like for you right now, that's okay. On stormy days, don't push yourself; just rest. On rainy days, use an umbrella. On cloudy days, take it easy. And on sunny days, enjoy yourself to the fullest.

Mental care is like a lifelong journey. There is no final goal. But that's fine. You just need to find the methods that work for you, little by little.

Next time, I thought about writing "The story of how I spilled coffee on my first date"... but maybe I'll write about "How to deal with nervousness" before that. Because mental health and nervousness are closely related.

May there be a small patch of sunshine in your heart today, too.

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