Even If I'm Not Praised

Every morning, a battle at maximum gear begins.

I don't know how many times I've said "Hurry up!" before sending my family off.

My child's club activities.
Cram school times.
Pick-ups and drop-offs.
Managing their health.

What time is that child coming home today?
Did they turn in their assignments?
Do they look like their usual self today?

Even before going to work, my head was always full of someone else's schedule.

Once I got to work, I would then think about the patients and the staff.

Before I knew it, twenty-five years had passed as a nurse.

After becoming a manager, I created an environment where staff could work easily,
and sometimes I took action to review the entire hospital's systems when necessary.

Noticing things before they happen and acting ahead of time.
That had become second nature to me before I realized it.

There are words I have often been told by those around me.

"You're amazing."
"You're working so hard."
"As expected of you."

I didn't feel bad about it.

Rather, every time I was told that,
I believed that my value lay in being someone who could be useful to others and work hard.

One day, my sister said this to me.

"You poor thing. You really are, you poor thing."

It was such an unexpected thing to say.

I had assumed my sister would say the same thing as everyone else.

My sister had watched me from up close all this time as I worked while raising three children.

She was the one who worried about me more than anyone else when I got dizzy from overwork.

For the first time, I wasn't praised.

Why was my heart so shaken?

I feel like I understand a little better now.

What I felt back then wasn't just confusion.

Part of me was also relieved.

It felt as if I, who had been drowning and unable to catch my breath, had finally been able to take a breath.

Ah, I don't have to try so hard anymore.

For the first time, I felt forgiven by someone, and I felt like I could finally breathe deeply.

Why was I saved by those words?

I have always lived by equating my value with being useful, being needed, and supporting others.

But now that I can see my fifties on the horizon, there are things I want to let go of little by little.

It's not that I want to quit being a nurse. It's not that I want to stop supporting others either.

What I want to let go of is,

not supporting others. It might be the way of life where I could only feel my own value by supporting them.

In the life ahead, it's not about what I add, but what I let go of.

Perhaps the fifties are not a decade of loss, but a decade of preparing to become lighter.

【My Lesson This Time】・Sometimes you are saved by words that don't praise you ・Being able to work hard and being okay to keep working hard are different things ・Letting go is choosing the next version of yourself

Thank you for reading my note again this time 🍔