The Future Seen Beyond Abstinence and Prayer

Late at night as March arrived this year.
Until my loved one's wish comes true, I decided to
“noteabstain”.

This kind of act is called Tachimono (abstinence).

For food, it could be salt or tea; for luxury items, alcohol or sweets.
Nowadays, it seems to include giving up things like TV, manga, or games during exam periods.

At the beginning of this year, my son (a university student) began a certain challenge.

Since he was little, my son has had a kind, serious, and quiet personality.
There have been many things up to now, and I believe I have protected him when I needed to.
But this time, it is about how others evaluate my son, and there is nothing I can do. It is not like an entrance exam where there is a set passing score.

Two months later, at the end of February, my son complained to me for the first time.

Around that time, I was constantly thinking about note articles and saving them as drafts.
Even though my son shared his inner feelings, my fingertips were tracing drafts on my smartphone.

What on earth am I doing?
I will quit note.

Nothing will change just because I quit note. I know that very well.
But I could not forgive my own behavior at that time.


I withdrew from note on March 1st.
I also stopped yoga classes and lunches with friends. That is because I felt I could not truly enjoy them.


My son's wish is my wish.
My son's happiness is my happiness.

The most difficult part here is that I must not let my son realize that I am worried to death.
Because I want him to do his best for his own sake, not for his mother's.

A smile in front of my son.
Positive words of encouragement.
Warm meals.

Other than that,
I can only pray.

Putting my hands together to the morning sun,
putting my hands together to the sunset,

when I see a rainbow,
when I see a full moon,
returning to my parents' home to the Buddhist altar,
visiting the grave,
at a nearby shrine,
at a temple said to bring good fortune,
to the Jizo statue on the roadside,

no matter what I saw or where I went,
I put my hands together.

I only speak my true feelings to my husband.
My husband is surprisingly cold.
He says my way of thinking about abstinence is strange,
that it is meaningless.
He even says my son is pathetic.

I threw myself at my husband and argued with him.

My son is doing his best.
Because I am the only one who directly sees him making an effort while my husband is at work.

In mid-March, my son caught COVID for the first time.
He didn't get it when it was so widespread, but now of all times!

His fever was 39 degrees,
his cough was severe,
why at such an important time?
I wish I could take his place.

During the 10-day recovery period, it naturally affected his progress.
Just when I thought this time for sure, the day after my son finished his recovery period, I also caught it...

In the end, I was also confined to my room, unable to see him or even prepare meals.
Everything I could do was taken away from me.

There is no god or Buddha.
No matter how much I pray,
nothing can be done.

After confirming I was negative, I returned home for the first time in nearly a month. I pressed my hands together in front of the family altar.

Tears fell naturally.
The wish I had always recited like a Buddhist prayer wouldn't come out.

I see, I should stop wishing.
Just pressing my hands together.

No matter what I give up, no matter what I pray for,
it has nothing to do with my son.


I went to a yoga class for the first time in a while.
Moving my stiff mind and body, and while meditating, I was able to observe myself just as I am.

From the beginning of this year, for half a year,
repeating joy and sorrow, my son's challenge came to an end.
It was entirely his own effort.
He saw it through until he was satisfied,
and fulfilled his own wish.

I do not deny the concept of abstinence, nor do I think it is meaningless.
Because no one can deny the feeling of praying not for oneself, but for a loved one.
The results or winning and losing from this are not the issue.
If it makes you positive or happy, you should continue, but if you find it painful, you should stop immediately.



"I knew you were worried and crying, Mom. Thank you for everything."
I was saved by my son's words.

I will continue to pray.


In a child's path, you can lay the tracks up to a certain point.
Even if you lay the tracks, there are many transfer stations, and the decision must be left to them.

In raising children, there are many worries and anxieties, such as illness, injury, relationships, and entrance exams, but
a future that no one can imagine
they will carve out for themselves.
It will surely be okay.

Your loved one
Thinking of "someone"