[Marital Relations] It is not because of the 'male brain' that a husband lacks consideration. It is because the household keeps running even when the wife is struggling.

'I would do it if you just told me to.'

That is what the husband said.

Or, he might say this as well.

'I am doing my part.'
'I am tired from work.'
'You aren't very considerate either, are you?'
'Why do you worry about such trivial things?'

When a wife tells her husband he lacks consideration,
the words that come out of his mouth
usually fall into these categories.

There is no malice. He truly believes these things.

But when you line these words up,
you notice one thing.

They are all self-contained within the husband himself.

Dissecting the five excuses

'I am doing my part.'

He is evaluating his own contribution himself.
There is no perspective from the wife.

'I am tired from work.'

He is prioritizing his own fatigue.
There is no thought that
the wife might also be tired.

'I would do it if you just told me to.'

He is pushing the responsibility of being considerate onto his wife.
He is not considering the cost to the person who has to ask.
Moreover, this is also a declaration that
he has 'stopped trying to anticipate needs.'

'You aren't very considerate either, are you?'

Instead of trying to solve the problem, he has turned to attack.
The 'lack of consideration problem'
is replaced by a dispute over 'who is worse.'

'Why do you worry about such trivial things?'

This is the most troublesome one.

The other excuses are about protecting himself or
shifting responsibility. But this one
invalidates the wife's feelings themselves.

Instead of trying to solve the problem,
they silence the side that is feeling the problem.

When you line up five of them, a common thread becomes visible.

Everything is contained within themselves.

How the wife feels.
What the wife is seeking.
What is important to the wife.

Imagination regarding those things is missing.

However, it is not that there is malice.
It is not that they are doing it consciously either.

Why does it happen?
There is a structural reason for it.

The indulgence of 'it can't be helped because it's a male brain'

When talking about this kind of thing, it is always said.

'It can't be helped because it's a male brain'

Men are bad at reading emotions.
Structurally, they cannot perceive them.
Therefore, it cannot be helped if they are not thoughtful.

This is an explanation often used in society.

It is convenient because men do not have to be the bad guy.

But, there is a study in psychology.

When conducting a test to read people's emotions,
it is true that women can read them more accurately.

However, when the conditions were changed to 'you will be rewarded if you read them accurately',
men were able to read emotions just as well as women.

In other words, it was not a matter of ability.

It was a matter of motivation.

'It can't be helped because it's a male brain' was used as an excuse for
'not trying to see'.

Then, why do they not try to see?

There are levels of difficulty to being thoughtful.

There are actually two levels to being 'thoughtful'.

Level 1 is reading the situation.

They are thirsty.
They are tired.
They look lonely.

If you observe, you can notice.
If you try to look, you can see.

Level 2 is understanding values.

How heavy is this schedule for the other person?
What do they value?
When do they get hurt?

Level 2 cannot be achieved by observation alone.
Unless you grasp the other person's values,
no matter how much you look, you will miss the mark.

One day, a work meeting came up.

It was a client I couldn't cancel on.
It overlapped with a dinner date I had planned with my wife.

"Sorry, can we reschedule?"

Lightly, I said.

It's work, so it can't be helped.
My wife should understand.

That's what I thought.

My wife got angry at me later.

I couldn't understand it.
It's work, so isn't it unavoidable?

But what my wife was angry about
wasn't the rescheduling itself.

She was angry that I said it "lightly".

In that one word,
the fact that I had unconsciously weighed
my promise to my wife against the work meeting
was all laid bare.

I was looking at my wife.
But I was interpreting her through
my own perspective that "my wife should be convinced if it's work."
My wife had a different perspective.

Level 1 was achieved. At Level 2, it fell apart.

Why is it said that only husbands lack thoughtfulness?

There is a study published in 2024.
A joint study by the University of Bath and the University of Melbourne
revealed that mothers
bear 71% of the 'cognitive labor' in the home.

Cognitive labor is the 'thinking work' required to keep a household running.
Managing children's health, planning meals, keeping track of belongings—
if someone isn't constantly running these things in their head, the household stops.

There are two types of this cognitive labor.

Things that run continuously every day—
children's health, inventory of groceries, preparations for the next day.
These are called core tasks.

Things that occur a few times a year—
arranging travel, repairing appliances, planning anniversaries.
These are episodic tasks.

Mothers handle almost all of the core tasks.
Fathers primarily handle episodic tasks.

In other words, a husband's 'thoughtfulness'
is concentrated on event-like situations,
such as anniversary gifts or travel plans.

What wives are looking for
is not just event-like situations,
but the core, daily thoughtfulness
of noticing when someone is thirsty
or sensing fatigue and acting on it.

Husbands think they are 'doing it.'
Wives feel they are 'not thoughtful at all.'

Neither is lying.
They are just talking about completely different things.

Moreover, this problem
has become more serious now that dual-income households are the norm.

In the era of stay-at-home wives, there was a social consensus
that wives handled only core tasks,
while husbands handled work and episodic tasks.
So, even if a husband wasn't thoughtful,
it was somewhat explainable.

In the era of dual-income households,
wives have come to handle both work and core tasks.
But the husband's responsibilities haven't changed.
Only the wife's burden has increased.

In one survey, 60% of husbands
answered that 'I am doing a good job.'
However, the wife's evaluation of the husband was 40%.

A 20-point gap.

That difference might be coming from here.

The true meaning of 'lacking thoughtfulness'

Having come this far, one structure becomes visible.

A wife observes every single day.

The children's health.
The inventory of groceries.
The husband's level of fatigue.
The state of the entire family.

She does this because if she doesn't observe, the household won't run.

The husband does not observe.

He doesn't, because the household keeps running anyway.

The wife observes, and the wife acts.
Even if the husband doesn't notice,
someone else has noticed.
Even if the husband doesn't act, someone else is acting.

That is why the husband cannot
grasp the necessity of observing.

To borrow a term from economics,
the husband is 'free-riding' on the wife's observations.

It is not that he has malicious intent.
It is not that he is lazy, either.

It is simply that he is in a structure
where he doesn't have to worry even if he doesn't observe.

The only cost he pays
is getting scolded once in a while.

The explanation that 'it's just the male brain'
was an excuse to hide this structure.

To tell the truth—

He was deeply immersed in a structure
where someone else would do it for him
even if he didn't observe.

That is all there is to it.

There is no single right answer to being 'thoughtful'

Whether someone is 'thoughtful'
is determined by the combination of the couple.

The standard the wife expects,
and the level of thoughtfulness the husband can provide.
The answer lies
where these two intersect.

Therefore, even with the same husband,
he can be 'truly thoughtful' to Wife A,
and 'completely useless' to Wife B.
Even though the husband hasn't changed at all.

Every wife is different, too.

Some wives feel that just by doing episodic tasks,
a husband is 'thoughtful enough,' while others feel that is just the bare minimum,
and if there is no core daily thoughtfulness,
they feel he is 'not thoughtful.'

In the first place, there are likely
a considerable number of husbands who
don't even do episodic tasks.

Where the standard for being 'thoughtful' lies
varies completely
depending on the couple.

Therefore, there is no one-size-fits-all answer
to 'how to become a thoughtful husband.'

As for the husband,
even if he thinks he is on the thoughtful side,
he doesn't know how he will be judged within the home.
It depends on the wife.

There is only one way out.

As long as a husband is in a structure where he can free-ride,
his amount of observation will naturally decrease.

The wife is always observing.
What is lacking
is usually on the husband's side.

However, the content of the observation required
differs depending on the wife.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

Trying to see the wife in front of you.
For a husband,
that is the only starting point.

The two lines are drawing closer.

In my own home,
the timing of my thoughtfulness is increasing.
On the other hand, my wife's expectations have lowered compared to before.
The distance between the two lines has narrowed significantly.

That is fine in itself, but
the fact that my wife had no choice but to lower her expectations
bothers me,
and I continue to carry a feeling of regret.