Doing Meaningless Things

Looking back on my childhood, I feel like I lived with total abandon.

I never thought about the reasons for doing things, nor did I worry about whether they would go well; I was just absorbed in the things I liked right in front of me.

Since becoming an adult, I feel like that sensation has almost disappeared. Before starting anything, the questions 'Is this the right choice?' or 'What will come of doing this?' always come up first.

In short, my focus is too much on my own actions. I worry too much about myself, wondering if I'm doing things well.

So, I thought it would be good to have time where I just move my hands according to my curiosity, setting aside efficiency, meaning, and evaluation for a while.

For me right now, the closest thing to that is writing down my thoughts on note.

When I start writing, I just write a lot of text with messy context. For that time only, I feel like I'm immersed in the act of writing itself rather than whether I'm writing well. And it's fun.

So, besides note, I thought it would be nice to have something else where I could have that kind of time.

That's when I remembered drawing, which I loved when I was in elementary school.

I still like the act of drawing to some extent, but I haven't done it since I started hating myself for not being able to draw the way I wanted.

When I was little, I didn't really understand what was good or bad, so I just drew because I liked it. I hope to regain that purity once again.

So, I think I'll try doing things occasionally like drawing whatever is in front of me or whatever comes to mind without deciding what to draw, and stopping when I get bored. Without aiming to complete anything or draw well.

As adults, we tend to seek meaning and results in everything we do, don't we?

Well, that is also super important, but I think there is meaning in securing time where you don't ask for meaning. (A contradiction)

I think by doing that, the focus that tends to be directed inward might become easier to direct outward.

In conclusion, I can't get back the days when I lived with total abandon, but I thought I would try to create time that gets closer to that feeling.

See you later.