I Never Thought It Would Happen to Me #1 Living with ADHD

"Naka-san, I think you might have ADHD."

I was deeply shaken by those sudden words from my boss.

It was a kind of "premonition" or "unease" that I had been feeling for the past few months.

Something that had been fermenting within me,

exploded in my chest.

Since around the end of last year, I had started making repeated mistakes at work.

I was making mistakes I had never made before, and things were just going wrong more and more often.

What could be the reason for this?

I searched for anything that might explain it, desperately trying to eliminate the causes one by one.

I read through self-help books and watched videos.

I listened to advice from people I looked up to and tried various things.

Even so, the situation did not change.

"Why? I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to."
"Why isn't it working?"

My mental state reached its limit from being pointed out for my mistakes and the pressure of being corrected.

It happened one afternoon, after being corrected for repeated mistakes.

I tried to keep my sanity, but as soon as I took a bite of lunch, I couldn't stop the tears.

"It's okay, it's okay."
"I'm fine."

Even as I said that, the tears wouldn't stop.
I knew myself that something had broken and that I was not okay.

After finishing my afternoon work, I rushed to the infirmary.

M-san, who always watches over me like a mother or an older sister, said this.

"Naka-san, you can't keep going like this. You need to rest."

After collapsing onto the sofa, the sounds around me began to fade into a blur.

I have no memory of what happened after that.

I wonder how long I had been dozing off.
When I woke up, for a moment, I didn't even know where I was.

I stood up sluggishly and looked around.

There was no one there.

I didn't want to go back to the room with my eyes all swollen.

But, could I just stay like this?

I checked my puffy face in the mirror and slapped my cheeks with both palms.

I made up my mind and knocked on my boss's office door.

In any case, I wanted to rest.
I always feel like I want to die. I wish I could just disappear.

That is what I went to tell them.

I don't remember exactly what was said to me.
However, what I remember vividly is the very first thing they said.

"It's not just your fault; I think it's because your traits are manifesting strongly."

My boss, who is also affected, understands ADHD traits better than anyone and has overcome them.
It seems they had judged that my words and actions were largely due to that disorder.

Several years ago, I obtained a license in special needs education.

At that time, I never imagined that my own child would have a condition, and I certainly never expected that I would be the one to have it myself.

After that, my child had to go to the hospital for a spinal condition, and I ended up accompanying them to developmental support for yet another condition.

While having interviews with the counselor,
though I wasn't certain,
I began to feel more and more, "Could I also have a developmental disorder?"

After passing 50, even though I wasn't in middle management, when I was placed in a position to lead people,
I began to feel extreme difficulty.

The way I had always done things no longer worked.

Along with that, I started repeating the same mistakes.
I couldn't remember things, I would forget where I put things, I would lose things...

Is it because of my age?
Is it because of the aftereffects of COVID?
Or perhaps, is it because of menopausal depression?

I tried thinking about various things, but I couldn't make any improvements.

Until now,
"If I try hard enough, I can manage."
"If I study, I can manage."
I had been living that way, but now, none of it was working out anymore.

After feeling as depressed as I could possibly be,
when symptoms of depression started to appear, I finally gave up.

I didn't want to go, but I decided to see a doctor.

The situation was worse than I had thought.

When I told the doctor that my goal was not to get a definitive diagnosis or a disability certificate, they told me this:

"Naka-san, there is almost no doubt that you have ADD or ADHD."

There aren't many things you "learn for the first time" when you are past the halfway point of your life.

I thought I had been getting along with this existence called "myself" for 50 years, while somehow managing to come to terms with it.

But, that is not the case.

Socializing, restlessness, mood swings, not being able to stick with anything.
Losing things often, going shopping multiple times.

All of these were things that I had been struggling with, yet I had assumed they were normal.

I thought I had been managing, but the reality was that I hadn't been managing at all.

"If I just study, I will be able to do it."
"If I work hard, I will be able to do it."

Perhaps I have been living my life believing only in this logic.

Ashamed of what I couldn't do, unable to rely on others, I lived by faking that I could do things.

It was a life that was constantly haunted by the feeling that I was not myself, that I was lying to myself.

"Things just don't go well."
"I can't do things as well as other people."

I had always thought it was my own fault.

When it became too painful to think that way, I blamed someone else.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to live.

The reason I kept thinking somewhere in my heart that it would be fine if I died at any time is
because I have been living as someone who isn't me, and the real me died long ago.

For 50 years, I have lived carrying that thought.

I have finally realized this.

When I tried to leave my boss's office, a voice came from behind me.

"Don't talk about quitting your job so lightly."

It was a rare, stern tone.

"...Yes."

The moment I answered, tears came to my eyes.

The words from just a moment ago,

"Don't talk about dying so lightly."

That is how it sounded to me.

It was something even my parents had never said to me.

My mother, who died suddenly without ever facing me. My father, who never tried to face the real me.

Surpassing even those parents, my boss gave me words like a father would.
My boss gave me words like a father would.

I will never forget the immense kindness I felt at that moment.

"Try to approach your work with the mindset of starting over, of living your life anew."

These words might have been referring not just to my attitude toward work, but to my way of life as well.

Accepting myself as someone with ADHD traits, and figuring out how to live.
Even though we say 'ADHD' in one breath, it is different for every person.

Can I accept what I, as a person, can and cannot do, and without giving up, live 'my own life'?

Triggered by my boss's words,

I became able to think about living my life over again.How should I face the fact that I have a 'developmental disorder'?

I still have no idea what the right answer is or what the optimal solution might be.

However, I have decided to stop living a life where I deceive myself.

It is okay to say that I don't know when I don't know.

If there is something I cannot do, it is okay to ask for help.

If there is something I can do, I should help others without hesitation.

I don't have to be a perfect version of myself.
It is okay to be a version of myself that cannot do everything.
I don't need to try to look cool.

It is fine just the way I am.

#ADHD
#AdultDevelopmentalDisorder
#DifficultyLiving