For those tired of trying to please others: "Separation of Tasks" to stop people-pleasing instantly
When your boss sighs at work.
When a family member slams a door shut.
When a LINE reply is colder than usual.
When the other person's tone drops even slightly,
doesn't your heart
start to churn with anxiety?
"Oh no, did I say something wrong?"
"Did I do something to make them angry?"
Instantly in your mind,
you reflect on your own words and actions,
and rush to try and please them.
Until the other person smiles,
your heart cannot find rest.
Are you, too,
being tossed about by
the emotional ups and downs of others?
The reason you fear others' bad moods
to such an extreme degree
is due to an
"old survival strategy"you learned in your past environment.
In an environment with moody adults,
sensing the atmosphere quickly
and extinguishing the sparks before they spread
was your way of staying safe.
Therefore, your brain
"Someone else's bad mood = My responsibility"
has created a powerful connection.
But now that you are an adult,
that connection
is nothing more than a chain that causes you suffering.
From here on,
I will share concrete techniques to separate others' emotions from your own
and protect yourself from the storm of bad moods.
Let's put an end to
wearing yourself out
just to please someone else.
■ The magic of "Separation of Tasks"
There is a concept called
"Separation of Tasks" proposed by the psychologist Adler.
This is a way of thinking
that clearly distinguishes "Whose task (responsibility) is this?"
I will say it clearly.
The fact that the other person is in a bad mood
is 100% their own task.
They might be tired from work,
they might be hungry,
or they might just be in a bad mood for no reason.
Even if your words or actions
were the trigger,
it is the other person who chose to express it
in the form of a "bad mood."
You do not need to help
process the other person's emotions.
Taking on the emotions of others
is an "overstepping of boundaries"
that tramples on the other person's tasks.
■ The 'Transparent Capsule' exercise
Even so, even if you understand it intellectually,
when you sense a bad mood,
your body reacts automatically, doesn't it?
What you can use at such times is
the 'transparent capsule' visualization exercise.
When you are in front of someone in a bad mood,
in your mind,
place a 'thick, transparent capsule'
completely over that person.
It is a capsule as thick as soundproof glass,
that prevents the other person's prickly energy
from leaking out.
Inside that capsule, the other person
is angry or frustrated all by themselves.
From a safe place
outside the capsule,
you just quietly observe,
'Ah, that person is currently
processing their frustration in there.'
The energy of the other person's emotions
bounces off the capsule,
and not a millimeter of it reaches you.
■ Leaving them alone is 'trust'
'But isn't it cold
to just leave them alone...?'
Kind person that you are, you might think that.
However, that is not the case.
Leaving someone's bad mood alone
is not the same as abandoning them.
It is the ultimate form of 'trust'—
sincerely believing in the other person's strength,
thinking, 'This person is an adult who
can manage their own mood.'
By not interfering,
you give the other person
their first opportunity to face their own emotions.
The next time you encounter someone's bad mood,
place a transparent capsule over them,
and bring your awareness back to your own breathing.
Other people's emotions belong to them.
Your heart belongs to you.
When you can draw this boundary,
your life will become
surprisingly free and light.