'Beg' ~ Love: 'Beg' Spin-off by Karasu of the Dark Night

This is a spin-off of 'Beg' by Karasu of the Dark Night.
↓Please read this first.

........................................

【Beg ~ (Love)】

That what makes her eyes shine so brightly
now and in the future
is not me,
I know that painfully well.

But,
I can't help but want to keep looking into these eyes.

◇◇◇

'...Ama-chan? Hey, Ama-chan!'
Startled, I saw Toko in my field of vision, pouting and swaying her dress in both hands.
'Geez, Ama-chan, you were off somewhere again, weren't you?'
She lets go of her pout and laughs softly.
'S-sorry. I was... off again.'
Smiling in this situation had become a reflex. I didn't need to be confused or think of excuses. As long as I kept the 'where' I was off to firmly suppressed, my smile took care of everything.

'Hirama-kun... which one do you think... he'd like better?'
I smile as Toko turns around in the mirror and tilts her head.
'You'd look cute in either one.' Words I could say if I wanted to. It sounds like nothing more than an ordinary conversation between girls... but that's exactly why I can't say it. It feels like what I'm suppressing might suddenly show its face, so I forcibly push back the words that want to escape from the back of my throat.
I cherish her, yet on the other hand, my heart restlessly oscillates between peace and sorrow knowing that the one who makes her wear this expression is definitely not me. Even so, I tell myself that this is the only choice for someone like me who can only protect—who can only protect—this smile of Toko's.
'The right one!'
When I say that, Toko's eyebrows jump up, 'I knew it! You think so too, Ama-chan?!' It's a sin, isn't it... Toko laughed, stretching her plump lips as much as she could.

I met Toko at the junior high school entrance ceremony. She was walking down the hallway clutching her bag, her brownish hair with soft curls swaying. The moment we passed each other, the sweet scent of a girl brushed past my nose. When I found out that Toko, who was the very definition of 'cuteness,' was in the same class, I somehow gave a bitter smile at the difference between us, and I didn't feel even a shred of my current feelings... No, maybe they were already there, I just didn't feel them.
As I started to become somewhat interested in her, as she was completely different from me in both appearance and personality, the pure Toko, who accepted everything with open arms, welcomed me as a 'friend' with a smile. Because everything is different, we can see each other's strengths. That uneven relationship was comfortable. When I realized that 'filling the gaps' was actually 'wanting to fill the gaps'... it was already too late, to the point where I was more afraid of breaking the 'friendship' that had already been established. Our bodies gradually changing. Every time Toko clung to my arm, her budding chest would touch me, and in that small joy between girls, when I held her slightly slender waist, my heart would race. 'Ama-chan, you have a great figure,' she would say, looking intently at my body, and not knowing how to answer that gaze, I desperately put a lid on my feelings. Suppressing feelings that are about to overflow is painful... even so, I was happy to be able to look straight into Toko's innocent smile.

And yet... this summer, my second year of high school... I could only watch her faintly blushing cheeks from the 'side.' The person Toko directs her smile at is not me... even though it's a heart-wrenching thought... The 'friend's smile' that has become second nature to me ironically hides my pain as thickly and firmly as oil paint. I know that while it is ironic, it is also... a salvation.
The fireworks we watched together so many times... I wonder how they will look in my eyes this year.

'Sorry to keep you waiting! Did you wait long?' Toko ended up wearing the dress I chose. The clothes she chose to meet her boyfriend reflect none other than 'me'... An indescribable sense of superiority welled up, and the smile I added to Toko's happy expression became more obvious than usual.
'No, we just got here a little while ago too.'
It was Takeshi who answered with a smile. Beside him, smiling softly, is Hirama... Toko's boyfriend. He is quiet and not the type to stand out, but he always casually supports our best friend Takeshi, who is always at the center of things. I also liked Hirama for that. Sometimes I'd see him staring blankly out the window, only to suddenly burst into a giggle... He is certainly the type to shoot an arrow into the hearts of girls like Toko. But... lately, as I've been listening to Toko talk, I've started to have doubts about whether this unblemished smile of Hirama's is genuine... Not in Toko's heart... but that there is something bothering Hirama's heart.

'I'll go buy some food! Ama-chan, let's go.'
A little sweat seeped into the left hand that was suddenly grabbed. I felt grateful for this humid weather right now. Since entering high school, even though we are both girls, we haven't held hands or messed around like we used to. That's why the hand that suddenly reached out left an even softer mark on my heart.
'I asked Takeshi-kun what Hirama-kun might like! Well, even then, I didn't know for sure what it was.'
'You... asked Takeshi?' The hand still being held is hot.
'Yeah! Takeshi-kun is Hirama-kun's childhood friend, so he knows him really well.'
It was obvious that Takeshi had feelings for Toko. But Toko herself had no idea about his feelings. A bitter smile escaped me as Takeshi's situation overlapped with my own.
'You're... dating, right? You don't know what he likes?'
'Hmm, he always eats what I like with me. That's why I've gained a little weight lately...' She sticks out her tongue and laughs.
'Actually, I'm on a diet right now. You know, Hirama-kun is kind of thin, or rather, lithe, right? I want to make sure I don't look strange next to him.'
'I want to be beautiful'... If you're a girl, anyone who falls in love thinks that. But... Toko, who says that, looks so happy... Something that welled up inside me made my back teeth grind together in my mouth.
I hate... myself like this. It felt like I was betraying the 'me' who protects Toko's smile, and the smile I desperately made became somewhat distorted. Looking up at the darkening sky, Toko, who is still smiling happily, is next to me... 'Thank goodness, she didn't... see.'
Suddenly, the power to my smile cut out, and I dropped my face to the ground.

After walking around a few stalls and getting food, we returned to the other two, and the other two boys who were supposed to join us were also there.
'I'm glad I bought extra food...'
Those words of mine didn't reach Toko's ears, and she stepped out from beside me toward Hirama. Toko's scent mixed with the lukewarm air and moved away from me, drawing a spiral. Suddenly, my right hand tightly gripped my left hand, which had reached out as if to follow her, saying, 'Don't.'

The four of them are laughing with Toko at the center. Can I be happy and smiling in that group? No matter how many times I asked myself, only one answer came out.
'Did you eat too, Amamiya?' When Inoue, who had joined us, looked this way while shouting, everyone's gaze turned to me at once...
No... almost everyone...
Except for Hirama.
'Oh, yeah! Toko and I just ate some piping hot food!'
Relief spread across Toko's face when she heard that, and I was convinced that my impromptu lie was correct.
But... why... was Hirama looking at 'that guy' with such gentle eyes?
Hirama's eyes exuded a sense of security that could even be called peace, completely different from when he looked at Toko.

The haze inside me grew even thicker.

'N-no, I'm going to go buy takoyaki after all! Hirama! Help me!'
I made Hirama stand up and pulled him away somewhat forcefully. I deliberately avoided making eye contact with Toko, who must have been confused by the sudden turn of events.

While waiting in the takoyaki line, Hirama was eating the cheese-tomato taiyaki he had chosen from the ones we had bought earlier. No, to be precise, it was the taiyaki that 'that guy' h-a-d-c-h-o-s-e-n-f-o-r-h-i-m.
'Toko isn't actually eating taiyaki. She says she's on a diet... She doesn't say it out loud, but I wonder if she's anxious. She's not very energetic, you know.'
It was a lie. Toko's smile was frustratingly full of nothing but happiness, and I had never felt even a hint of anxiety. Even so, I desperately wanted to get my hands on what Hirama was thinking.
'I don't think it's right for an outsider to say anything, but...'
'When Toko consulted me about you, Hirama, I pushed her, saying, 'Isn't that fine? Go for it.' Hirama, I have no idea what you're thinking, but you were casually supporting Takeshi, and I had a good impression of you as a good guy watching you do that. But... watching you with Toko, I started to think, 'Huh?'... Hirama, are you really taking good care of Toko?'
I couldn't read anything from Hirama, who didn't change his expression at all. After a breath that sounded like a sigh,
'I intend to do my best in my own way.'
For some reason, Hirama's eyes when he said that were as cold as ice.
'Then let me ask you differently. Hirama, are you in 'love' with Toko?'
Without time to control myself, as I was getting unreasonably angry, the words that came out of my mouth were a tone lower and prickly.
'I don't have an obligation to answer, do I?'
Even though the words were spat out while looking somewhere far away without even trying to face me, there was a strong, pushing-away force in Hirama's words. I wanted to clear away whatever had been hazy until now from the space we were standing in.
'I want you to listen to this thinking it's just my selfish delusion, but... are you trying to make Hirama turn Toko toward Takeshi?'
This was my safer hypothesis. Whenever Hirama participates in an event with Toko like this, Takeshi is always with them. Hirama leaves almost all conversation with Toko to Takeshi, and just laughs by her side. Above all... I just can't believe that the smile Hirama directs at Toko is genuine. That was also because I know my own smile when I think of Toko...
When I asked him that, he looked like a batter who had been hit by a wild foul ball, and then,
'So you know about Takeshi,' he said with a laugh through his nose.
'It's obvious that Takeshi likes Toko. But the Toko in question has no eyes for anyone but Hirama, you know.'

When it was my turn to order takoyaki, I quickly grabbed a portion for Toko as well. Unconsciously, I thought that I didn't want to let this guy hold Toko's portion.
How should I bring up the next hypothesis? This was a theory that relied far too much on my own intuition, and it was something that could even endanger everything I had built up until now. As I stood there unable to say anything, it was Hirama who broke the silence.
“Sakurai (Toko) has such a good friend, doesn't she...”
On his face was a disturbing smile, as if he had gotten hold of some weakness of mine.
“W-what is that? Are you trying to change the subject?”
“No, I'm genuinely impressed.”
No matter how I thought about it, there wasn't a shred of genuine admiration in Hirama's smirk. For some reason, I felt a deep hatred for his beautiful features, and I couldn't keep myself in check anymore.
“...Hey, I have one more... delusion!”
Although I started off strong, if I got the way I asked wrong, I would destroy myself. But the defenseless smile Hirama had directed at “that guy” earlier wouldn't leave my head.
“Is Hirama's goal, by any chance... not Toko, but... Take...”
Just as I said that, Hirama stopped dead in his tracks. Then, the air around us suddenly turned cold, and with a smile so eerie it was unsettling, Hirama leaned in close and looked down at me.
“Amamiya... you should be a little more careful about what you say. You know what kind of existence I am to Sakurai, right? ...In other words, I'm in a position where, if I felt like it, I could hurt Sakurai whenever I want, as much as I want. Hey, don't you think it's better not to do anything stupid and ruin my mood?”
My spine froze in an instant.
It wasn't that he liked Takeshi.
It was that to him, Toko was nothing more than a “tool” to vent his uncontrollable feelings... a tool just to inflict wounds on Takeshi.

“I'm going to drop the takoyaki.”
My hands were trembling at Hirama's true colors. Toko's joy, her flushed cheeks, her shy gestures, her single-minded devotion... to him, all of it was just a performance directed at Takeshi.
“Your true target is Takeshi! Then, what do you intend to do with...!!”
“I told you to watch your mouth. If you whisper strange things to Takeshi... I wonder what will happen to Sakurai. For starters, this.” Hirama held up his right hand and fixed his gaze on the piping-hot takoyaki.
“How about I pour this over her head? Sakurai is dressed up today, isn't she? She's wearing a dress I've never seen before. It might ruin a wonderful memory of fireworks in the summer holidays with her boyfriend and friend.”
He said this with a chuckle.
Toko, who had smiled at her reflection in the mirror while swaying in her dress... I imagined her collapsing before his cold smile. When her heart shattered with a crack... the sharp fragments, scattered beyond repair, would rain down on Toko endlessly, leaving deep wounds... That image flashed through my mind.
“Amamiya... as long as you don't say anything unnecessary, I won't do anything to her. I promise you that. Hey, it's a fireworks festival after all, let's enjoy it. You want Sakurai to eat this takoyaki at least a little, don't you? You're such a... 'g-o-o-d f-r-i-e-n-d'.”
The blood drained from my face... Is Hirama... threatening me? I felt as if my feelings for Toko had been crushed in his hands.
Holding Toko's smile hostage, he was telling me to watch and laugh at the deceived Toko if I didn't want her broken. To decorate a vase without water with flowers... my precious flower named Toko... That's what it sounded like.

“I was worried because you were late. What's wrong?” Toko found us and came running over. Hirama smiled at Toko without even glancing at me.
Ah, this smile... I wasn't just suspecting it... I had seen through it somewhere in my heart. At the same time that the fog that didn't sit right with me cleared, I was plunged into pitch-black darkness.

◇◇◇

I didn't remember anything after that...
I could hear the sound of fireworks going off somewhere in the distance.
Toko's happiness was real, and I wanted to protect it so badly. At the same time, now that I knew the happiness Toko directed was passing by him and pooling in the gutter, I didn't know what to do.
Because it was a love that would never be rewarded no matter how hard I tried... I had always told myself that the only thing I could do was support Toko. I couldn't forgive Hirama, who manipulated people's feelings like a puppet on a string, hurting everyone—the person he liked and the people who liked him... It was so frustrating... so incredibly frustrating...

Whizzzz... ...Boom! Boom! Pop, pop-pop, paralarala...

“Ama-chan... are you okay? You look a bit pale.”
Even though large fireworks were dancing in the night sky, Toko asked me with concern, staring intently at me.
“N... yeah. I think... I was just surprised by the sound of the fireworks...”
Toko narrowed her eyes and clung tightly to my arm.
“You're okay now! I'm supporting you properly!”
Even though she was small and couldn't possibly support me... but at that moment, the warmth of Toko's arms was what I needed more than anything... I gently placed my left hand on her left hand that was clinging to me... Feeling that, Toko looked up at me once more and said,
“It's okay!”
Feeling her hand squeeze my arm, I knew that this smile I loved so much was, at this moment... directed straight at me, and only at me.

At that moment, I extinguished the small light of hope that had existed somewhere in my heart until now.

I wanted to support Toko forever... I realized that my heart could no longer endure such pretty lies.
Knowing Hirama's true face... that might have been the trigger. But that wasn't the reason.

I thought Hirama was dirty. I thought he was hateful.
But I think it's because he himself knows that he will fall apart if he doesn't do that.
Even if the form of love is different, because for both of us, it is a love that will forever... absolutely never be fulfilled...
Even if he uses dirty tricks, even if what remains with the other person is not love, but a “scar”...
Is it a sin to wish to carve one's true self into the other person?

I understand.

That the feelings for Toko that I had sealed away had been screaming deep in my heart all along,

and the pain of the sad Hirama, who could only express his feelings by inflicting pain,

I understand.

◇◇◇

“Sakurai and I are going home by a different route.”

When the fireworks ended, Hirama said that as if to show off to no one in particular.
To no one in particular... that couldn't be right.
Yes, to me... and to Takeshi.
“Amamiya, it's okay. Nothing bad will happen to Sakurai. I'll be careful.”
I knew there was no lie in those words from Hirama, who wore a meaningful smile.
I suddenly looked at Toko's shy, bashful face.
It was... the form of Toko's happiness, drawn from the bottom of her heart, created only by Hirama. It was the best expression... one that I wanted to keep watching forever.
“Yeah... I'm really counting on you.”
I said that, looking firmly and straight into Hirama's eyes.

Watching the two of them walk away holding hands, I listened closely to the words spoken by Hirama's back.
They were definitely not meant for me, but for Takeshi.
“It hurts, doesn't it... Hirama, too...” I whispered in my heart so no one could hear, feeling my mouth relax slightly.

Hirama...
Carve it, carve it. You should just carve deep wounds as you please.
Though that means both you and the person you love, Hirama, will end up tattered.
Even so, if you say that is your form of love,
I think that's fine.

But you know,
I don't think I'll ever be hurt again.
Thanks to you, Hirama, I realized it.
As long as Toko is in love with you, Hirama,
Toko's love will never belong to anyone.

You see, Hirama, you would never hurt Toko, your precious stage prop...
You couldn't possibly hurt her, could you?
To keep your precious Takeshi tied to you...

But, if by any chance,
you ever do hurt Toko,
at that moment,
I will definitely catch her.
I will heal the wounded Toko.

This is fine, isn't it?
Without breaking your form of love, or mine...
It's give and take, we're even, right?

It's dirty. It's just as dirty as you, Hirama.
Because I can see only Toko's smile without ever hurting her with my own hands.
I am even allowed to gently wrap her in my arms when she is in pain, without her being taken by anyone else.
It's dirty, but this is the real me.


See, I can say it with a smile...

...I grabbed the right arm that Toko was clutching tightly.


As long as Hirama keeps making Toko smile...

Toko "cannot belong to anyone."

That's what I said.

(End)

My first ever GL (Yuri) work was inspired by this wonderful BL piece by Yamiyo no Karasu-san. Hehe.

I... even though I love BL, I have absolutely no knowledge of GL, and in fact, I've never even read it... but Yamiyo-san's writing ability and the whirlpool of emotions left me unable to sit still. (Laughs)
Whether it's BL or GL, or any form of love... the feeling of "loving" someone is exactly the same; people feel joy, sadness, and sometimes get hurt. Even so, the reason "love" never disappears is probably because everyone is given the "right to yearn." Even if it's twisted, even if it's not perfect... if there is a "feeling," I want to convey it.
I really want to convey it... I'm still immersed in Yamiyo-san's work.
I may lack the skill, but I've taken on my first challenge! Hehe.

This was Yamiyo no Karasu-san's entry for this project.

Naeko Shichida