The anxiety that my husband might die... and me as a first grader

Are there others who are plagued by similar feelings of anxiety...?

Perhaps many people have no idea what I'm talking about (^^;;

This feeling of anxiety I have
grew larger as
my own children grew up.

It is a feeling of anxiety that I can do nothing about.

I can't help but think about him suddenly passing away.
And then,
an unbearable sadness comes,
and when I think of the feelings of the children left behind,
my heart tightens...

I know that thoughts become reality, so
when I get that feeling, I panic and try to overwrite it
by imagining my husband
being healthy even as he gets older.

I also knew that
my brain was just idle,
so I kept myself busy.

But it never went away completely...
I don't want to think about it, but
it appeared time and time again,
as if the overflowing emotions were saying they wanted to be properly seen.

I actually knew myself
why I have this feeling.
But I couldn't resolve it on my own.

The reason is
that my father passed away.

My father died at the age of 37.
He was walking along a national highway
that had no sidewalk
in the dark,
and was involved in a traffic accident. He died instantly.

I was in the first grade, and it was the autumn when my sister was in the sixth grade.

The place was near our house,
and I can still remember the white outline of a human figure.
It remained there for a while after passing by,
and I remember thinking it looked smaller than the person himself.
Flowers were left there for a while,
though I don't know who left them.

I remember such realism,
but until now, I didn't think my father's death
was a trauma for me.

I remember feeling sad, so sad...
much later on,
but at the time, I didn't really feel that way.

My behavior after my father died
was also unchanged,
without any particular signs of depression.
(I heard this from
my homeroom teacher at the time when I became an adult.)


Right after my father died,
seeing many people gathered at the house,
everyone I met speaking to me,
and many people crying,
I just had the feeling that
something serious had happened.

It was even on the local TV news.
Some of my classmates came to the funeral
with our homeroom teacher.
My cousin was shouting in anger
at the person who hit him, and was stopped by my aunt.

I was just watching all of that...
That was the feeling I had.

My impression of my father while he was alive
was that he had a sense of humor and was trusted at work,
at home he would drink silently,
and on his days off
he would let me ride in his large work vehicle,
take me places,
and he was very kind,
and I only remember being scolded by him once.

Of course, I don't have any feelings of resentment,
it was just one of those things that happened,
that's how I felt for a long time.

So, I didn't think that
it had become a trauma.

Let me return to the beginning of the story.
When my own child became a first grader,
I became incredibly anxious
that something similar might happen.

I had to do something about this feeling before autumn came...
Thinking that, I received counseling.

It was my first time talking to someone about it.

Tears started coming out immediately.
By putting it into words and saying it aloud,
even more painful emotions welled up.

What if my husband dies...
It's too painful that my child would have such a hard time...
I'm sad too and want to just become a shell of a person,
but because I have a child, I can't do that...
I have to be a support for my child...

Someone... please help me...

I realized that I wanted
my father to help me.
And for the first time, I felt safe enough to feel it.

I will omit the details of the session as it was long, but
while having my unspoken thoughts
drawn out,
in the end, I had many conversations with my father,
conveyed how much I loved him,
and spent a fun time,
so both my father and I were able to smile.

And since then,
the anxiety that
my husband might die...
was released. I stopped thinking about it entirely!

My child has also become a second grader now ^^




Words the teacher spoke during the session.
When a painful event happens,
you realize it's painful
when you feel the sense of having lost something
as a reality.

Thinking about it now, there's no way I wouldn't be sad
when my beloved father passed away.
It's because I was young and it took time
to be able to understand it.

Because the first time I knew death up close
was my father's death...

I remember that in my memories from a few years after my father died,
I would quietly sob in my futon.
I think it happened a few times...

Somehow,
I thought I shouldn't tell my family,
that I shouldn't make them sad,
so I would just cry myself to sleep...
That was the feeling.

Emotions that emerge after time has passed since an event
cannot be healed by oneself or those around,
so I thought that there are quite a few things
that are just given up on and left undigested.

Especially when you are a young child, things that are
happening for the first time occur almost every day.

Not just someone's death or big events,
but first places, people, foods...
Being scolded for the first time,
being treated meanly for the first time,
things not going as expected for the first time...
A younger sibling being born,
or being separated from a parent...

Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to an adult,
and even if it doesn't look like you're shocked,
there are times when you end up
re-experiencing it as an emotion
many times afterward.

Unpleasant emotions from when you are an adult
are those undigested thoughts from childhood
being replayed.

When it is painful to hold those emotions,
I really want you to take a good look at them.

Also,
regarding things like thoughts manifesting into reality or the brain being idle,
as I wrote earlier,
I have been told during counseling,
“These are things that people can do after they have been thoroughly healed,
so please feel at ease and focus on healing first.”
I was told this during counseling.

When people think too much that they are the cause,
many people start blaming themselves here.
I was one of them, so I understand it well.

If you have any idea what this is about,
I wrote this because I want you to think that
it is time for you to need healing.

After this counseling,
I studied at a therapist training course.
This healing was the start,
and I began to feel emotions toward my father several times,
and I healed them by having dialogues with myself many times.

I was able to face even more painful emotions.

At the time of the accident,
I was worried that he might have been in a lot of pain...
I would like to talk about that time
sometime again.

In the era of the 100-year life.
I think that what happened at this time might become a source of strength,
and there might be a time when I can be of help to someone.

Thank you for reading until the end
(=´∀｀)

In Ayurveda, I have a lot of Kapha,
so I am very bad at this rainy season...
I am grateful for the air conditioner's dry mode.

I love wearing cotton-linen or linen clothes because they feel smooth
(๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

It is also easy for your physical strength to drop,
so please take care of yourself ^^

Email address
✉️namikow@futureforq.co.jp

Click here for the Voice Marche page↓
https://www.voicemarche.jp/advisers/1004
(This is for women only,
and you can apply anonymously)