On the Distance to Kindness

To become a kind person, I believe it is necessary to learn about the various hardships, exploitation, and inequalities that exist in this world. Constantly learning about these things has been a consistent core within me, and to use a strong word, I hold such a conviction. That is also the reason why, after graduating from university, I chose a profession that involves standing by others for my first job. By increasing my drawer of "it might be this way" and cultivating imagination toward others, I wanted to make it the fuel for kindness. However, looking back at myself after starting work, I lost my mental composure due to stress, and I think I only became a more unpleasant person day by day.
For example, I have learned and know that "there are people with various characteristics in the world, and consideration tailored to each is necessary." Even so, when working, I felt irritated, perceiving children who did not act like those around them as selfish. That may be a natural function of human emotion, but the divergence between such knowledge and my emotions grew larger day by day in various places, and I had the sensation that the core part of myself was being eroded. I become afraid because my emotions move in ways that I cannot forgive myself for.
While being aware that I was becoming an increasingly unpleasant person, I thought that if I stayed for a long time in an environment where I was called "teacher" by children, easily adored (or behaved in a way that appeared so), and was always in a superior position, I would sooner or later become a monster.
I think that behaving kindly toward others is accompanied by pleasure. I can think of various factors, such as confidence and a sense of security in one's own kindness, and a sense of superiority over the other person. Such altruistic behavior for the sake of obtaining pleasure for oneself is surprisingly easily seen through, and it is often regarded as shallow or immoral.
However, being kind to others beyond the range where one feels comfortable oneself is quite steep. If one is going to become distorted somewhere while worrying for others, suffering, suppressing oneself, and continuing to practice such difficulties, I thought that there might be a virtue in being kind to others only within the range where one feels comfortable, and living while maintaining a shallow goodness. A fastidious person who feels arrogance every time they do something "for the sake of others" might not be suited for behaving for the sake of others.
This is not a story of superiority or inferiority about which is desirable, but I think it means that a distance to "kindness" that suits oneself exists within a gradation. That, of course, can change depending on the situation and condition one is placed in at that time. The experience at my previous job became an important lesson for me. Based on that, I intend to grope for a new distance where I can be the kindest person I can be right now.