The true nature of that feeling introverts get: being able to talk one-on-one, but falling silent when the group grows.
When I was talking with just one other person, it was fun.
But the moment a few more people joined, for some reason, I fell silent.
It's not that I can't keep up with the topic. (Though sometimes I can't...)
It's not that there's anyone there I dislike.
Yet, suddenly, I find myself not knowing when to jump in.
And after I get home, the post-mortem begins, thinking things like, 'I made them go out of their way to include me in the conversation.'
Have you ever had an experience like this?
I can talk normally one-on-one, but when it becomes a large group, my presence seems to vanish. I smile at work social gatherings, but I end up finishing without having said almost anything. People say, 'That person is quiet, aren't they?'
Introverts tend to be highly sensitive to external stimuli, and in large group settings, the amount of information they receive increases all at once. As a result of the processing not being able to keep up, their speech stops. It's not so much that they 'cannot talk,' but rather that 'the processing isn't keeping up.' I suspect many people find things like group discussions difficult.
However, once you become a working adult, there are overwhelmingly more situations where you cannot choose whether to be in a large group setting. Work social gatherings, welcome and farewell parties, business dinners. If you can't choose 'whether to go,' it's more realistic to think about 'how to act while you're there.' This article will focus on that.
Why do I fall silent in large groups?
A large group setting is an environment with a very high density of stimuli. Multiple conversations are happening, there is laughter, topics are jumping around, and gazes are crossing. All of that comes in as information. As a result of being unable to process it all, speech stops.
Trying to 'do well' is the most exhausting part
Looking back on the times when large group settings were painful, it was when I was trying hard to 'fit in' or 'talk properly' that I was the most exhausted.
I think I was doing things like this.
Trying too hard to keep up with the topic and ending up saying something strange
Trying to talk to everyone equally
Nodding along repeatedly without substance to match the tempo of the room
Reflecting over and over after getting home, wondering, 'Did that comment stand out too much?'
All of these were just things that didn't fit my processing style that I was forcing myself to do.
When I stopped doing them, surprisingly, nothing happened. Even if I was told 'you're quiet,' it didn't lower my evaluation at work, nor did it break any relationships.
How to handle situations where you don't have a choice
In adult social life, there are more often times when you cannot choose whether to go. That is precisely why deciding in advance 'how to act in that situation' makes things a little easier.
Talk to the one person next to you
You don't have to try to talk to everyone. Just have a normal one-on-one conversation with the person sitting next to you. Think of it as creating your own comfortable environment while being in a large group. It's even better if you can choose to sit near someone who looks easy to talk to before you take your seat.
Focus on being a good listener
You don't have to think of not speaking as a "failure." Just listen carefully to what the other person is saying and occasionally nod or offer a brief response. That alone means you are participating in the conversation. People who truly listen leave a much better impression than you might think.
Value quality over quantity in your comments
It is better to say one thing that makes someone think "I get that" than to say ten shallow things. You don't need to try to increase the number of times you speak.
Decide that just "being there" is enough
A work social gathering is a place to show your face before it is a place to have fun. Even if you can't talk much, the fact that you were there remains. Deciding that "it's okay just to exist today" can make you feel strangely relieved.
Decide from the start that you will leave early
Unless it's something you absolutely cannot leave, deciding from the start that "I'll leave after two hours" makes the exhaustion feel less because you can see the end in sight.
Change how you plan for the time before and after, not just the day of the event
Changing how you spend your time before and after the event, not just how you act during it, will reduce your total exhaustion.
The day before
Don't force yourself to get pumped up. Spend the time as normally as possible.
Don't over-prepare by thinking "what should I talk about?" Thinking too much will only make you more tired on the day.
The day of
Arrive at the venue early to get used to the space while there are few people (if you are overly concerned about where to sit, it is recommended to go to the venue with a few acquaintances and sit next to them).
Choosing a seat near the entrance makes it easier to leave and easier to escape to the restroom.
The day after
Make sure to secure some time to be alone.
Don't pack your schedule
Planning the next day is especially important. Since I started thinking about whether I can rest afterward rather than whether I'll enjoy it when scheduling events with large groups, I've felt much more at ease.
Try breaking down why you froze up
When you were silent in a large group, what was the reason you froze?
The conversation moved too fast
I didn't know who to look at
I couldn't find the right timing to jump in
I was too busy reading the room and couldn't find my own words
The topic didn't interest me
I was simply tired
Things we lump together as 'I couldn't talk' are often completely different reasons when broken down. Depending on the reason, what you can try next changes. Instead of ending it with 'I went silent again,' looking at where you stopped makes it easier to move forward a little.
As a working adult, it's difficult to completely avoid large group settings. But I also believe you don't have to try to become someone who 'does well' in those situations.
Understand your own processing style and gradually increase the ways you move to reduce exhaustion. Just doing that might make a big difference.
In this note, I share information from the perspective of someone who is introverted and highly sensitive, to help them survive without becoming too exhausted. I also write while incorporating my expertise as a Labor and Social Security Attorney and Career Consultant.
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