The Surprising Commonality Between 'People Who Tap the Stone Bridge Too Much' and 'Vertical Relationships'

A heartwarming message from Adlerian psychology

Hello, are your hands sore from tapping the stone bridge too much? (Haha).

I'm the same way, but actually, there is a surprising commonality between your 'overly cautious personality' and your 'interpersonal relationship worries'.

Today, let's explore that relationship together using the perspective of Adlerian psychology.

Why do we keep tapping the stone bridge? ~The mysterious connection to 'vertical relationships'~

The phrase 'tapping the stone bridge before crossing' is something I've heard for a long time, to the point where it feels nostalgic.
But why do we tap the stone bridge so much?

It's because we have anxieties like, 'Is this okay?', 'What if I fail?', or 'Can I really do this?'.

Actually, this psychological state is the same as the anxiety felt within a 'vertical relationship'. A 'vertical relationship' is one where things are judged as good or bad, where you unconsciously feel 'I am above' or 'I am below', and where superiority or inferiority is perceived through authority or competition. Relationships between bosses and subordinates, teachers and students, and parents and children are typical examples.

In Adlerian psychology, it is believed that behind such anxiety lies 'compensation for inferiority'.

Interestingly, people who tap the stone bridge too much may be unconsciously creating an invisible 'evaluator' as a superior existence, and placing themselves within a 'vertical relationship' where they worry about the evaluation of that invisible opponent they created themselves.

Characteristics of 'the feeling of tapping too much' and 'vertical relationships'

'I tap the stone bridge, and tap it, and it becomes a hassle, honestly.'

These words are mine.
This is actually exactly like the behavioral patterns seen in 'vertical relationships'.

Characteristics of people who tap too much

• Seeking perfection too much: 'Let me check just a little more' continues forever

• Procrastinating on decisions: Continuing to say 'I need more information'

• Caring too much about others' evaluations: Worrying that 'I will be laughed at if I fail'

Characteristics of 'Vertical Relationships'

• Tendency to change attitude based on the other person's status

• Increase in formal conversations

• An atmosphere where it is difficult to speak one's true feelings is created

What both have in common is that they prioritize external evaluation over their own inner voice point. Dr. Adler would likely help us realize this through questions, saying, 'This is a way of life I chose myself,' wouldn't he? (laughs)

'Tapping the Stone Bridge' and 'Vertical Relationships' in the Workplace

Imagine a scene that often occurs in the workplace

Employee A is trying to propose a new idea in a meeting room. However, before speaking, they think over and over, 'What will my boss think if I say this?' or 'Will people around me think I'm stupid?', and end up missing the timing to speak.

This is a typical example where the state of 'tapping the stone bridge too much' is reinforced by a 'vertical relationship'.

As a result

• New ideas become harder to generate

• Teamwork is compromised

• Psychological safety decreases

In Adlerian psychology, this situation is explained using 'teleology'.

In other words, the reason A does not speak up is because there is an unconscious goal of 'avoiding being criticized'.
It means 'to avoid failure, they are also avoiding taking on challenges'.

How to cross the 'stone bridge' of family

In the home, especially in parent-child relationships, there is also the influence of 'tapping the stone bridge' and 'vertical relationships'.

When there is 'too much tapping' in parent-child relationships

When a parent says to their child

'Do your homework!', 'Get ready quickly!', 'How long are you going to keep sleeping!'

You often hear conversations like this, don't you? This happens because parents assume that 'if I don't tell them, they won't do it,' and set their relationship with their child to a 'vertical' one. The parent keeps tapping the bridge (continuously giving instructions), and the child loses the opportunity to think for themselves.

The Adlerian psychological approach is

'What are you going to do about your homework? What do you think you should start with?'


'What do you need for tomorrow's preparations? How do you think you can make sure you don't forget anything?'


'It's hard to wake up in the morning, isn't it? What do you think would make it easier to wake up?'

By interacting in this way through a horizontal relationship, children acquire the 'ability to think for themselves.' It feels like they are becoming able to tap the stone bridge on their own.

The courage to say, 'Let's just try it!'

'I tap the stone bridge, and I tap it, and it becomes a hassle. So, I've decided that I won't know unless I cross it, so I'll just cross it and think about it.'

These words are exactly what Adler calls 'courage.' Courage is not 'acting because you have made perfect preparations,' but 'the decision to take a step forward even if you are incomplete.'

And the 'refreshing feeling' you feel after taking action. This may be the sensation of the moment you are liberated from a 'vertical relationship.' It is a sense of freedom that comes from acting based on your own standards.

Adler's 'How to Cross a Stone Bridge' and How to Build 'Horizontal Relationships'

In Adlerian psychology, it is believed that all human relationships should be equal. So, how can we graduate from the habit of 'tapping the stone bridge too much' and 'vertical relationships'?

Step 1: Know your 'purpose for tapping'

• Let's gently ask ourselves, 'Why do I check so much?'

• You might actually have feelings of 'wanting to avoid criticism' or 'not wanting to fail.'

• Try asking yourself, 'I couldn't move because of that fear, but was there anything good about it?' For example, in my case... thanks to being too scared to move, I didn't run and trip, and I stayed cool without sweating. I didn't fail and get laughed at, and perhaps I was exuding an aura of being a capable person who doesn't fail by not doing things rather than trying and failing, and maybe the people important to me thought I was someone amazing!

• ...Nobody would think you're an amazing person for that, right?

Step 2: Have a perspective of 'contribution'

• Think 'How can I contribute?' instead of 'Will this go well?'

• 'Contribution' means engaging with others and the community through what you can do.

• Interestingly, when you have a perspective of contribution, 'vertical relationships' naturally change into 'horizontal relationships.'

Step 3: Cultivate the courage to 'just try crossing'

• Start with a small step (find a stone bridge that looks crossable and try crossing from there)

• View failure as a 'learning opportunity' (if the bridge collapses, you learn that it collapses under these conditions! Haha)

• Savor the 'refreshing feeling' and cherish that sensation

Conclusion: Stone bridges and human relationships are ultimately a dialogue with yourself

From the perspective of Adlerian psychology, both the habit of 'tapping the stone bridge too much' and the troubles of 'vertical relationships' arise from your own internal dialogue.

• The voice saying 'I need to prepare more'

• The desire to 'be recognized by those above me'

• The fear of 'not wanting to be criticized'

These are all expressions of your desire to feel secure. It might be a 'vertical relationship' created by the version of yourself that cares about how others evaluate you.

Whether it's crossing a bridge, taking on a new challenge, or building relationships with others, I want to tell myself, 'You're doing just fine. Now, trust yourself and take that step forward.'

(Ah, that turned into a cliché conclusion.)

Above all, your hands, tired from constant tapping, might finally get a little rest.

An addition!

Atlas-san's magazine added this to their interesting articles collection ✨ I'm happy. Thank you!

I wrote this article

after receiving advice from Ru-chan. It was fun to think about an interesting theme! I don't think this answers the psychological effect on readers who see the conditions for monetization, though 🤣

I would appreciate it if you could kindly accept this as one of the invisible hurdles when moving toward monetization.

Also, this is a theme I would like to face properly from a different angle!

Such is the note where you can learn about Ru-chan's monetization! I recommend note monetization, which you can continue with a warm heart.
▼This article▼

A postscript!

I was introduced in Ru-chan's article! Thank you as always! Ru-chan's article is
[note monetization] A 100-yen paid article is fun communication🌱

With a loving message, she encourages many people to try writing a 100-yen paid article while enjoying communication, thinking, 'If it sells, that would be great!'
▼Click here for Ru-chan's loving article▼