Tired of fighting. How to quietly step away from the 'power struggles' in human relationships [Adlerian Psychology]

I had Neo DJ Moriko explain it and
cheer me on!Check out the Stand.fm episode▼

"Why won't this person understand me..."

"If I just endure it, everything will work out..."

Before you know it, in your social media, workplace, or home, are you being dragged into
"who is right"or "who is superior"
exhausting
conflicts?

That is the beginning of what Adlerian psychology calls
a "power struggle."

When human relationships fall into a"vertical relationship,"we unconsciously begin to fight to defeat the other person and prove our own strength.

In this article, borrowing the wisdom of Adlerian psychology,
I will share concrete and gentle ways to wisely and quietly step off the stage of fruitless conflictand reclaim your own heart and energy.

Why do we end up on the "stage of conflict"?

It is because we view the other person as an "enemy"
and step into a "vertical relationship"where we judge based on winning or losing.

Once you step onto this stage,
you lose sight of your original purpose, and "winning against the other person" becomes the goal itself(this is a teleological approach, not an etiological one—not asking "why?")

Adlerian psychology considers that every action has a purpose.

What you truly desire is not to defeat the other person, but perhaps a more peaceful and secure relationship.

To return to that original purpose,
it is important to first choose the option of "stepping down" from the conflict.

How do you 'step down'? — Separation of tasks

Stepping down is not about giving up or running away.
It is a courageous act of drawing a healthy boundary between yourself and others.
The most powerful concept for this is the 'separation of tasks'.

• The other person's feelings and evaluations are their own task
  How the other person thinks of you or evaluates you is
  something they control, and it is not your task.

  
  
  
  
  

• How you think and act is your own task
  Instead of being swayed by the other person's reactions,
  focus on how you want to be.This is the first step to stepping off the other person's turf and regaining peace of mind.
  

  
  
  

Do not trample into the other person's tasks,
and do not let anyone trample into your own.This boundary will become a shield that protects you from unnecessary conflict.

Four concrete actions to loosen your heart

Don't just understand it in your head; try practicing it with your heart and body.

1. [Notice] Objectively view the 'purpose' of the conflict

By simply noticing the purpose behind your actions, such as
'Oh, I'm trying to defeat the other person right now'or 'I want to prove that I'm right,'
you can regain your composure.This is the first step to viewing yourself objectively without being swallowed by emotions.

2. [Encouragement] Encourage yourself, and also the 'other person'

When you are in a conflict, you are the one who is most hurt.
'I am okay''I have value'—
let's
encourageourselves.At the same time, try to think that the other person might also be struggling with something and have lost confidence,perhaps they are a 'person who has been discouraged.'The perspective of seeing the other person not as an 'enemy,' but as a fellow human being who is struggling just like you,
will cool down the heat of the conflict.

3. [Cooperate] Be conscious of 'horizontal relationships'

Instead of asking, 'How can I win?'
try changing the way you frame the question to,'How can we cooperate?'
This is an important step toward building a 'horizontal relationship' where you view the other person as an equal partner.Even if your opinions differ, the attitude of looking for points where you can cooperate
will transform power struggles into productive dialogue.

4. Changes gained by "stepping away"

Regaining an objective perspective and your original purpose

"Stepping away" means letting go of the win-lose perspective of "who is right" or "who is superior," and viewing others' evaluations as their task and your actions as your own task.
This allows you to see things objectively without being swayed by emotions, and by returning to teleology, you can choose actions without losing sight of "what you truly value."It is a major first step toward conserving your precious energy and moving in a constructive direction.

🌟 A brief explanationFilling your emotional energy (Separation of Tasks)

"Separation of tasks" is what allows you to regain the energy you should be using for yourself, without getting caught up in the expectations or reactions of others.

By not taking on others' problems, unnecessary anxiety and stress are reduced, and you can focus on your own self-growth.

This does not mean abandoning the other person, but rather serves as a foundation for building a healthy, cooperative relationship where you respect each other's independence while watching over them as needed.

Learning to love yourself as you are (Encouragement)

Fundamentally, the problem of "power struggles" is feeling like you are "losing" the fight or feeling that you cannot control the other person.
That evaluation is turned directly toward yourself, and
it easily leads to self-denial.
Once you are freed from "power struggles," you can escape the spiral of self-denial and more easily regain your self-esteem.Through "encouragement," where you tell yourself things like "I have value" and "It is okay for me to feel safe," you become able to firmly acknowledge the "you who tried," even if you fail.
By focusing on how much you have grown compared to your past self, the foundation of your confidence—the belief that "I can do it too!"—is built little by little.

Cultivating trusting relationships (Horizontal relationships and community feeling)

By shifting your perspective from "how can I win" to "how can we cooperate," a
"horizontal relationship"

where you treat the other person as an equal partner begins to sprout.This is the gateway to "community feeling"—
a sense of belonging, a sense of safety, and a sense of contribution—which is the ultimate goal of Adlerian psychology.By viewing each other as companions and supporting one another, the sense of security that "you are not alone" spreads, and richer, more cooperative human relationships are fostered.

Even if you understand the importance of "horizontal relationships" and "community feeling," when you try to put them into practice, you may find that in your mind, the feeling of "wanting to keep my distance" is stronger.

This feeling is a way of protecting yourself that you learned from a young age, and it is a "precious feeling."
Do not force yourself to be positive there; if you dislike it, let it be as it is.By facing yourself without rushing, different emotions will gradually emerge.

Conclusion: Toward a gentle refuge for you

Letting go of the perspectives of 'being right' or 'superiority/inferiority' may feel difficult,
and you might feel bewildered, thinking,'There's no way I can do that.'
It does take a little bit of courage, doesn't it?

But what if it could free you from fruitless conflicts?
Please consider which option would make your heart feel more at ease.
Stepping down from power struggles where you blame the other persongives you the freedom and sense of security to move toward what you truly value.

Thank you for reading.
I would be happy if this article could,
even just a little, lighten the heart of someone who has grown tired of human relationships.

I wrote an article about horizontal relationships for those of us who want to be kinder.
Here ▼

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Many people read this last week under these tags.Thank you!