10/21 A Day That Wasn't So Carefree

October 21st, Cloudy

It's been cloudy since the morning, and I feel a bit sluggish. Since yesterday, my stomach has been feeling queasy and a bit unwell.

I was actually thinking of going to Komeda for breakfast, but since I'm feeling under the weather, I decided to take it easy today. I hope I feel better today. Maybe my body can't keep up because it suddenly got so cold.

It was a good thing I took out the blanket yesterday, and this morning, when I opened the window to do yoga, the wind blew in and it was actually a bit chilly. It's troublesome when it gets cold all of a sudden.

Maybe it's because I'm not feeling well, but I feel like I was lacking a sense of 'carefree' today.

In the morning, I was planning to go to Second Street to sell some clothes I didn't need anymore, but my mother had taken my car to go shopping, so I couldn't leave right away.

It was only about 15 minutes, but I was really angry that my mother had taken my car without asking (we park in tandem, so sometimes when my car is in front, she just takes it), and that my plans had been disrupted. I hate that I was so irritable and couldn't wait, when usually I would have been fine with it.

I left before noon and got home around 1:30 PM. I made fried rice with the leftover grilled salmon from yesterday. I also had some shiso leaves left, so I added those, along with plum and other vegetables. It was delicious.

My stomach was full, but I felt like having some sweets, so I ate about four of the snacks I had received as gifts that were in the house. I knew eating four was too much, but I ate them anyway. Is this also an effect of my lack of 'carefree' time...?

After that, I went to Second Street to settle the payment, and then roasted coffee at Grandpa's house.

Once the roasting was done, I chatted with Grandpa. He was telling me all sorts of things, but I kept looking at my phone screen and only half-listened to him.

This isn't 'carefree' at all. I want to cherish the time right in front of me more than this.

I got home, had dinner, and went for a walk with my mother. Since it suddenly got cold today, I wore a jacket and a neck warmer. I thought I might get hot on the way, but it was just right until the end.

When I said, 'Winter is cold, but hot coffee tastes so good,' my mother replied, 'Hot cocoa is delicious too. And then there's hot pot...'

We talked about things that taste even better when eaten in winter. This is what 'carefree' feels like.

I want to spend my days feeling 'carefree,' but there are times when things just aren't.

It's things like feeling a bit under the weather, or getting grumpy because things didn't go as planned... It's those little things that make it impossible to spend the day in a carefree way.

I don't like myself at times like that. I tend to fall into self-denial or self-loathing when I'm like that, but that only takes me further away from being 'carefree'.

So, when that version of me I dislike appears, I try to think, 'Hello, weak self,' and keep in mind to accept my weaknesses rather than denying them.

This is something written in my favorite book, 'Living Carefreely': 'Cherish your weaknesses.' Everyone would love to be able to spend every day in a carefree way, but that's not always the case.

Accepting your weak self is also a part of being 'carefree'.

The food was delicious today, too!
But if I had eaten a little less of the snack I had at lunch, I could have enjoyed it even more.

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