The story of how I, who never felt comfortable with femininity, have lived loving girls

Nice to meet you!

I love women. I love them very much.
I am currently dating my girlfriend, and this year marks our 10th anniversary.

And, for a long time, I never really felt comfortable with so-called "femininity."

I like dressing in a boyish way,
I feel at ease with short hair,
I like superhero shows and cool things.
Rather than being seen as a girl, I would prefer to be boyish if anything.
Honestly, I also have feelings of wanting to be a man. Although those feelings have faded a bit now... recently, this emotion has surfaced again.

Even now, there are parts of me that are still searching for the right words to best express myself.

But now, I am able to live much more comfortably than I used to.

In this note, I think I will try to write about my life before I met my current girlfriend.

When I was in elementary school and realized I liked girls

I realized I liked girls when I was in the lower grades of elementary school.

However, I also have a faint memory of liking boys before that.
Around the first grade of elementary school, I feel like I liked boys in some way...
It's a bit of a dark history...

So, from the beginning,
"I definitely only like girls"
I didn't know that clearly.

But, partly because my childhood friends were all boys,
I really admired boys.

To repeat,
Clothes that boys wear.
Superhero shows.
Cool things.
Short hair.
Boyish behavior.

I was naturally drawn to those kinds of things.

I cut my hair short and started dressing in a more boyish way.

I feel like from that time on, the number of times I felt a flutter for girls increased.

When I was in the 6th grade of elementary school, during Valentine's Day, I was even confessed to by a girl.

But back then, I thought,
"No way, are you lying?"
and I think I probably gave a vague reply.

If it were now, I'd be thrilled. Haha

Still, back then, I felt like... liking girls is weird, right?
I feel like I kept it tightly suppressed inside myself.

And the girls' restroom! Whenever I went in, people would whisper so much,
and I spent my time feeling nervous about reactions like, 'Isn't that a boy?!'

In middle and high school, I couldn't say I liked someone even if I did.

In both middle and high school, there were girls I liked.

But I couldn't confess my feelings.

“What if they think I’m gross?”
“What if they hate me?”
“What if our current relationship is ruined?”

That was all I could think about.

So in the end, it all finished without me telling them anything.

I spent my time with the girls I liked as just a good friend.
Looking back now, it’s a nostalgic memory.

But back then, it was quite tough.

I didn't want to think that liking the same sex was a bad thing in itself, but
I was afraid that the other person would think so.

I think I was afraid that the person I liked would find my feelings for them “gross.”

Also, what I really hated in middle and high school was the school skirt.

I hated wearing skirts to death.

Sometimes,
“You’ve become more feminine”was something people would say to me.

But deep down, I thought,
“Just wearing a skirt doesn't change anything, does it?”

The me back then really hated the phrase “feminine.”

You have to be feminine.
Because you’re a girl.
You’ve become more feminine.

Every time I heard words like that, I would rebel in my heart.

Even though I am who I am.
Just because my clothes changed, it didn't mean my inner self had changed.

That’s what I thought.

And around this time,
I had come out to my close friends about liking the same sex.

At that time, there were words a friend said to me.

“It’s fine because that’s your individuality.
There’s no need to suffer.”

I still remember those words even now.

For me at the time, they were incredibly saving words.

I didn't have to blame myself for liking the same sex.
I didn't have to suffer.
That, too, was my own individuality.

Being told that was truly significant.

A childhood friend I had a crush on for about seven years

From around the middle of my second year of high school, I had a crush on a childhood friend.

That probably lasted for about seven years, I guess.

I confessed my feelings many times.
But I was rejected, rejected, and rejected over and over again. Haha

Even so, I loved them.

Thinking about it now, that’s quite some tenacity. Haha

At one point, through a strange turn of events, they said to me,
“Maybe I could try dating you once.”

I was overjoyed.
I was ecstatic.

At that time, I seriously vowed,
“I will definitely cherish you more than any guy around.”

Looking back now, there was no need to compare myself to a guy, though.
I think I was just that desperate back then.

But when we actually started dating, things didn't go very well.

Since it’s a distant memory now, the details aren't very clear.

I remember that they would get in a bad mood or snap at me right away, and I would think,
“Am I a punching bag?”
to myself.

The replies gradually stopped coming, and I also had the feeling that
“Oh, they probably don't like me that much anymore.”

Why can't things go well?
How can I cherish them?
How can I get them to keep liking me?

That is what I was thinking about.

The day I thought, “I guess I really can't beat a man”

One day, my partner told me they wanted to break up.

The reason was that they had fallen for a man at the same workplace.

At that moment, I feel like I thought,
“Ah, I guess I really can't beat a man.”

There was a part of me that had been thinking,
“I wonder if a day like this will come eventually...”

It felt like that “eventually” had finally arrived.

Now I understand that it’s not about winning or losing based on gender.
I don't think love is a matter of winning because you're a man or losing because you're a woman.

But back then, that was how I took it.

Since my mind went blank the moment they said it, I agreed at first.

But after cooling my head for a day, I thought,
“No, isn't this something that shouldn't end so easily?”

So, I told them I wanted to talk properly one more time.

Then, my partner said things like,
“I already told you it's fine to break up,”
“You're scary for being so persistent,”
“You're clingy and it's gross.”

Honestly, I was just like, “Whaaaat...”

My memory of the exact words is fuzzy now.
But all I had said was something like, “Let's talk properly once.”

I wasn't being clingy or gross.
I can say that for sure. lol

But once I was rejected to that extent, I thought there was no point in talking anymore.

I hung up the phone and cried.

It was truly devastating to be told I was disgusting by someone I was, at least nominally, dating.

Ah, their feelings had already drifted away.
That's what I thought.

After that, I confided in a friend who knew I was a lesbian.

That friend was absolutely furious on my behalf.

“That’s emotional cheating.”
“Why would you go out of your way to like someone else when you’re already with someone?”
“You were just being used.”

The fact that they said that to me still stays with me today.

Honestly, it saved me quite a bit.

“It’s emotional cheating! That’s it! That’s exactly it!”

I thought. Lol

Having someone on your side is truly a big deal.

From there, my romantic feelings died. Lol

Time passed after that, and until I met my current girlfriend, I really didn't have any feelings of 'love'.

They were dead. Lol

But, I did want to meet people.

So, I participated in things like lesbian gatherings.
At the time, I even posted on things like dating bulletin boards.

I don't really want to shout about the bulletin boards too loudly, but...

There are a lot of crazy people there.
Really. Lol

Personally, gatherings are still better.
Still. Lol

I think nowadays it might be apps.
However, I think there are dangerous people on apps too, so I hope to talk about that in another article.

This is me before I met my current girlfriend.

Reflecting on it now

Looking back now, wow, I think I've been through a lot.

In particular,
“dressing in a masculine way even though I'm a girl,”
“falling in love with girls,”
“not being feminine,”
caused me a great deal of distress.

I worried so much that I can't even remember it all anymore.

But now I think.

Live your life wearing what you like.

You aren't bothering anyone, after all.
It's okay to wear clothes that make you feel comfortable.
It's okay to have the hairstyle you like.
It's okay to like cool things.
It's okay not to be feminine.

I've come to be able to think that it's okay for me to be me.

Of course, it's not like everything suddenly became okay.

But if you have someone you can trust from the bottom of your heart, you can get through quite a lot.

And, surprisingly, there are people who will accept you for who you are.

The old me used to think,
“There are so few people who would accept someone like me.”

But in reality, there are people who will listen properly.
There are people who will accept you without judgment.
There are people who will be on your side.

The words a friend said to me in elementary school,
“That's your individuality, so it's a good thing,”
still remain with me today.

About coming out

By the way, for those who are wondering whether to come out to their parents.

I still haven't done it. Haha

But they probably know.

Because I bring my current girlfriend over just like family.

But I don't think coming out is “something you have to do.”

Those who want to speak out can do so.
Those who don't want to speak out don't have to.
If you are still unsure, it is okay to remain unsure.

I think it is fine to do it at your own pace.

You don't have to force yourself to open up just to get someone else's approval.

You should choose the form that protects yourself and the people you care about.

That is what I believe.

What I want to write about in this note from now on

In this note, based on my own experiences, I plan to write about:

• My story of not fitting into femininity

• The reality of having been with my girlfriend for 10 years

• The issue of whether or not to come out

• Arguments, money, family, and the future for same-sex couples

• What I felt about how lesbians meet

• Things I have thought about in order to live as my true self

I intend to write about these kinds of topics.

I don't intend to write only about the pretty things.

I will write as honestly as I can about the hard times, the funny moments, and things I can only say now.

If there is anyone out there who is struggling like I used to, like:

"I don't really understand myself for liking girls"
"It's exhausting trying to be feminine"
"I want to dress in a masculine way, but I'm worried about what others think"
"Do same-sex relationships really last?"
"I'm not sure if I should tell my parents"

If there is anyone struggling like that, I would be happy if this could make them feel even a little bit better.

Next, I think I'll write about the story of how I met my current girlfriend.

I'll save the story about her for another time...!