[Today's Caregiving Journal Short Version] | Cannot even take a bath calmly — There is a mental state that recovers through anger | Dementia Caregiving Journal (01/28 '26)

My father woke up at 7:00, ate the breakfast I had prepared, and cleaned his room. He started to take a nap at 10:00, so I woke him up immediately.

Since he had finished his late-night snack and breakfast, he didn't have breakfast.

At 11:30, an assessor and a care manager visited for my father's long-term care certification.

I want to raise my father's long-term care level from 3 to 4. Raising it has many disadvantages, such as higher fees for day care services. I decided to raise it, thinking about my own future contribution.

I was surprised to hear from the care manager that at the day care facility, he exhibits violent behavior, such as throwing the tea served to him onto the floor, which is different from how he acts at home.

After finishing all the assessments and the meeting with the care manager, we went out for lunch at 12:30.

We went to Bamiyan.

At this point, I felt a great sense of fatigue.

We returned home at 14:40. My father was chatting in a very good mood on the way.

When we got back home and got out of the car, he entered a state of not understanding anything, not knowing anything at all, and wondering what to do...

In the kitchen, my father was tilting his head while muttering in a small voice that he didn't understand.

Since the bath was ready, I took a bath following the usual procedure (affirming my father's request and then taking a bath myself).

I took a bath at 15:05.

At 16:20, my father went around closing all the curtains in the house.

I got out of the bath at 16:40. My father was reading the newspaper in the kitchen while grinding his teeth.

When I told him to stop grinding his teeth, he replied with a rebellious look, saying, "I'm not doing that?" He then went back to his room, saying, "Can I go to that room?" Since he had been left alone for a long time, he seems to have suspicious feelings toward me.

My father went back to his room and fell asleep. I went to wake him up. If he sleeps at this time, it leads to abnormal behavior at night.

My father suddenly became humble, saying, "I'm sorry, it's all thanks to everyone."

I went out shopping at 17:05.

I returned home at 18:00.

Closing the gate, putting away the laundry, bringing the groceries from the trunk into the house, and having my father come inside and wash his hands. I felt a bit confused even though it was just a collection of simple, trivial tasks. I couldn't prioritize them.

I told my father to "sit in the chair" in the kitchen.

Even though I told him to sit, he moved the chair, picked up trash from the floor, or did other things. I explained it many times with gestures. My father couldn't understand such simple words. After 3 minutes of wasted effort, I snapped and got angry.

My father was confused and apologizing because he couldn't understand. My anger didn't subside, and I yelled at him, "Why can't you understand such a simple thing, you idiot!"

My father has a pained expression on his face. Did he mishear my words, or is he telling me to get out? How can he say such a terrible thing? I tell him I am doing my best and say, 'Don't say things like that!' as I confront him.

I tell him, 'If you won't leave, then I will.' This one sentence seems to be a terrifying one for my father. In an instant, the roles are reversed, and he asks, 'Why are you leaving?'

I help my father eat his meal. Dinner is just a bento box.

Having vented my anger, I feel a bit refreshed and am able to respond more calmly. It feels as though the day's sediment has erupted along with my anger and is no longer inside me.

I change the video to 'Owara Kaze no Bon,' which my father likes, and we eat and drink while I talk to him. My father seems a little startled, but he is watching the video happily.

At 7:50 PM, I put my father to bed after he says he is sleepy. It was an exhausting day.

※ This article is a 'shortened version' of the [Regular Diary] with emotional descriptions and the like omitted. In response to feedback that the diary is too long, it is summarized simply as a daily record. For the full version, including my internal conflicts and interactions with my father, please see the latest articles in the article list. (This article is overwritten and updated daily, and the shortened diary is not saved and is deleted.)