Happy when we're together, anxious when we're apart—yet I still wanted to choose you
▷Prologue
December 2023. I met her for the first time.
It was about three or four months later that we were able to confirm our feelings for each other.
As we met at a pace of once every week or two,
the time we spent together was indescribably comfortable.
However, the time we spent apart was painful.
"Am I really needed?"
——That question had been inside me ever since before we started dating.
▷Chapter 1: A Spring Troubled by Temperature Differences
The May night we went to see fireflies,
and the June holiday when we laughed together at Disneyland were certainly fun.
But on the other hand, LINE messages were kept to the bare minimum, and there were almost no phone calls.
I wanted to know more about each other through casual conversation,
while she felt that messages were only necessary for specific matters.
——The temperature difference between us created an invisible distance.
▷Chapter 2: The Gap in Age and Life Stages
I have already started to become slightly conscious of the term 'end-of-life planning'.
On the other hand, she is still in her early twenties. Having just entered society,
she was pushing forward toward her goal of 'wanting to own a cafe in the future'.
Even though we cherished each other,
because our 'phases' in life were completely different, I felt a significant gap in the timeline for thinking about our future between me, who wanted to deepen our relationship with marriage in mind, and her, who was putting everything into this very moment.
▷Chapter 3: She is Like a 'Cat'
My ex-wife was like a 'dog' who would always stay by my side.
Having her next to me was a given.
But she is like a 'cat'.
She loves freedom and independence, and values emotional connection.
She shows no interest in my status.
I am happy that she sees 'me' as a person, not for my income or age. However, at the same time, there was also a loneliness in not being shown any interest at all.
▷Chapter 4: Digital Detox and Imperial Palace Walking
I worried and worried,
and I turned off LINE notifications, hid the icon, and tried not to look at it.
If I didn't hear from her for two or three weeks with this—
surely, that would be the answer.
That is what I thought.
During that time, to clear my mind,
I started walking to build a habit of not bringing my smartphone into the bedroom to intentionally create time away from it, walking around my neighborhood early on weekday mornings, and walking around the Imperial Palace on weekends.
▷Chapter 5: She Tried to Meet Me Halfway
One day, while my messages remained unread,
I happened to open LINE and saw a message from her.
"Are you okay?💦"
"Did something happen?"
She had noticed that I, who usually replies instantly, had disappeared while leaving messages unread.
There was even a missed call.
——It wasn't that I wasn't needed.
Being able to think that,
we made a promise to 'go to the fireworks festival in July👘🎆'.
That might have been a small thing.
But for me, it was a ray of hope that 'we can still keep going'.
✅▶︎Next Preview (Vol. 5)
Two people who, despite missing each other, are gradually meeting halfway.
My resolve to connect more deeply than now, and her true feelings.
Next time, I will write about 'the story of how I solidified my resolve to face her as a lover'.