Terror! Escapism... followed by smartphone game addiction... followed by a return

End-of-life care for my mother-in-law has begun, and she likely has only a few weeks left, if that. Even though the cherry blossoms have finally bloomed and the new school term has started, my mind is completely occupied by that. I shouldn't make other plans because something might come up, but then I find myself questioning what 'something might come up' even means. As I look at my set schedule and think about who I need to contact if it happens on this day or that, I feel a sense of guilt, as if I'm waiting for it to happen. Yet, I still have to be the one to coordinate my son's school, club activities, and cram school, as well as my own work. Honestly, these days spent side-by-side with 'death' are incredibly tough and exhausting. I don't want to think about anything, but if I don't do something, my mind gets completely taken over by it, so a few days ago, I downloaded a smartphone game, thinking I'd just play a little bit.

The colors and images are beautiful and cute, and it looks kind of fun
→ When I actually try it, the rules are easy to understand, and it's simple to do
→ If I use my brain just a little, I can level up, and it feels like I'm being praised. Happy, fun, I love it♡

That's the three-step process. This is serious. It was easier and more interesting than I thought, and I became obsessed. I'll stop after the next one, I'll stop after the next one... Even though I tell myself that, the addictive nature of 'just one more time, just one more time' is tremendous, and I keep repeating it over and over. 'I'll quit once I clear this,' 'I just want to stop at a good stopping point'—how many times have I repeated these excuses in my heart in my empty house, not knowing who I'm even making them to? It's easily over 100 times. Because of playing the game too much, my eyes have become blurry over the last few days, and they even hurt a little. This is really bad... I should have had a decent amount of knowledge about smartphones, so for an adult like me to get addicted is no joke...

I have now come to my senses, my self-control has finally kicked in, and I am writing this note. I steeled myself and deleted the app. But if I were a child, would I be able to exercise self-control? This... isn't it quite difficult? At the very least, if I were a child, it would be impossible! 1,000 percent impossible! Ah, it's scary. I realized once again that I must be very, very careful to watch over my son, who is just like me, so he doesn't fall into the trap of smartphone games... Actually, I need to make sure I don't get hooked again myself ^^; To be honest, I kind of didn't want to delete the app... Ah... isn't this the thought process of an addict? It's scary... Maybe this is the final lesson my mother-in-law gave me? With that in mind, I swear here in writing to break this habit!