I Wanted to Trust, But I Felt Like I Was Breaking — A Record of Nights When Kindness Felt Scary —

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I Wanted to Trust, But I Felt Like I Was Breaking
– I Wanted to Trust You, But I Was Breaking

Pretending to be okay had become a habit before I knew it.
Even though I wasn't actually okay, I felt like by not saying so, I was protecting something.

Every time you reached out to me with kindness,
I should have felt at ease, but my body would shrink away first.
I didn't mean to reject you.
It was just that,I was afraid of being drawn close.

It wasn't my heart that was broken

I thought I was broken.
But when I think about it, it wasn't a "broken heart," but perhaps
a body that reacted on its own as a result of protecting itself too muchthat it was.

Just being stroked makes me shrink my neck.
That alone makes me pull away again.

"Why can't you trust me?"
Even when asked that, I couldn't answer well.
Because the feeling of wanting to trust was real.

Kindness is sometimes painful

"I still want to support you."
Those words of yours were kind, but they were also painful.

I want to trust, but I can't fully trust.
I don't want to have expectations, but I end up having them.
Nights like that usually end in a fight.

I was tired.
Even so, your voice remained in my head.

It was too heavy to carry alone

I couldn't say "I'm okay."
But that wasn't a rejection.

It was just that,
I had reached my limit of carrying this pain all by myself.

On the days I cried, and the days I screamed,
your presence by my side
kept my nearly broken heart from falling apart time and time again.

Perhaps—
I might have still wanted to live.

Trusting is scary

The act of trusting
is also accepting the possibility of being betrayed.

I was afraid of that,
and thought it would be easier to accept nothing from the start.

Even so, you reached out to me time and time again.
I could never forgive myself for hurting even someone like you.
I just couldn't.

Still, just one more time.

Every time I think I've reached my limit,
your smile comes to mind.

If I can walk even while broken,
if I can move forward even if I'm not perfect,
I want to choose to believe just one more time.

Afterword

I was afraid of being abandoned.
But, in truth—
I just wanted to believe in someone.

This text was born from the world of the song
“I Wanted to Trust You, But I Was Breaking”
– I Wanted to Trust You, But I Was Breaking
.

On nights when kindness feels scary,
I hope this reaches someone who feels the same way.

Finally

I believe music is a place
where you can leave behind the emotions
you show to no one else.

On nights when you don't have to pretend to be okay,
I would be happy if these sounds
could stay by your side for a little while.

To you, who are still searching
for proof that you lived.

Let's meet again in the night.

About Iine Channel / Nice channel

I leave behind chill and bittersweet sounds
that nestle close to quiet nights.

Focusing on City Pop / Chill / Lo-Fi / Jazz Piano,
rather than flashiness, I value "humidity," "shadows," and "stillness."

I don't force light upon things.
I don't erase the darkness.

That is how this channel works.

Thank you for reading until the end.

Right now,
it's okay if you don't feel anything.

If you could remember this writing and this music
on the nights you need them

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