[Parenting Worries During Adolescence] More Important Than Strictness Is the Parent-Child Bond

Parents who are too strict might be counterproductive

In parenting, there are

"raise them with praise"
"be strict with discipline" and other

various contradictory ideas, right...
They are all correct, but

they are also not all correct.
At the end of the day,

I think it depends on the child's personality.

For example...
Adolescent children.

Some children come home naturally
without a set curfew,

while others will break it
without a second thought even if one is set.

Of course,
the way they were raised might have
an influence, but

in reality,
I can't help but think that
their personality plays a bigger role.

Therefore,basically,
"it's not the parent's fault"
, is what I think.

Basically! That is.

Things I did in secret while
appearing to be a "good child"

Naughty children stand out, so
parents probably worry about them, but

conversely,
there are children who pretend to be "good"
and do naughty things
where no one can see.

Actually,
I was exactly like that myself...

My family was quite strict
when it came to relationships between boys and girls,

"Staying over before marriage is absolutely forbidden!"
"Living together is out of the question!"
is what I was told growing up.

Even after I turned 20,
I was still being told that, so

when I stayed over at my boyfriend's place,
I would lie
and say, "I'm staying at a friend's house."

Back then,
it was normal for parents to call

that friend's house to say
"Thank you for having her," so
I would coordinate with my friend beforehand,

and if they called,
my friend would answer

"My parent is in the bath right now, so
I'll pass the message along"

and handle it for me.

Even outside of boy-girl relationships,
I would do things I thought I'd get scolded for
in secret...

I didn't do anything criminal (lol)

The story of how my friend pretended to be my "parent's voice" so I could have a pager (lol)

There is also a story about
what happens when you are too strict?
(laughs).

When I was in high school,
pagers were popular,
and it was a time when over 80% of the class had one.

A friend's family was very strict,
and she wasn't even
allowed to have a pager.

That friend also felt
it was painful to be the only one without one
when all the friends around her had one.

A few of us
went to a pager shop together
and decided to sign a contract without her parents knowing.

However,
since we were students, the contract
required parental consent.

The shop called her house
to verify, but...

At the moment they said,
“Please put your parent on the phone,”

I
pretended to be her parent and took the call,

“Yes, that’s fine.
Thank you very much.”

I handled it and hung up (laughs).

In this day and age,
I think it would be found out immediately,
but things were pretty loose back then.

However,
the bill would definitely
arrive at her house, so...

About three months later,
it was easily found out (laughs).

Not knowing what is happening
behind the strictness

If parents are too strict,
children will try to do things
where they can't be seen.

Not everyone does this,
but there must be others like me! Haha

For children who are independent,
if they are
flatly denied with a “No!”,

they will either
rebel or
sneak around behind your back,

I think. I was the latter.

Now that I am in the position of a parent, I
value a relationship where we can talk properly
and try to cherish it.

For example...

Even if my daughter says she is
going to stay over at her boyfriend's place,

I don't oppose it unconditionally;
I listen to her properly.

Even if you say no,
kids who want to do it will do it anyway.

Sorry, experience speaks...

In that case,
rather than making them lie,

I think it's better to create an environment where we can talk honestly!

The peace of mind of being able to talk
is more important than being right

Of course,
I think it is the parent's job to judge
right from wrong while they are minors.

But first,
an environment where children can feel safe
sharing their true feelings is important.

Without a relationship of trust,
no matter how many rules you make,

Behind your back,
they just end up breaking the rules.

Instead of forcing what you think is right,
I want to be a parent who asks,
'Why do you want to do that?'

Even if it's not okay,
as a parent, why am I against it...

Is there a way to solve that?

The shortest path to building a relationship of trust
with your adolescent child is,

not to unilaterally impose
the parent's opinion

I believe.

Even in Four Pillars of Destiny,
you can understand your child's type,
so if you are interested, please feel free to consult me (^^)

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