Living to Avoid Being Disliked

"I don't want to be disliked," "I don't want to ruin the mood," "I wonder what people think of me."

Before I knew it, that was all I was thinking about.

More than my own opinion, I prioritize the other person's reaction. More than my own feelings, I prioritize the atmosphere of the room. More than what I want to do, I prioritize how to keep things smooth.

"Living to avoid being disliked"—when did that start?

Is the version of me that isn't disliked the real me?

Of all the things you do now, how many are things you "truly want to do"?

Work you couldn't turn down. Honest feelings you couldn't express. Frustrations you swallowed. Smiles you forced.

Have the actions you chose "to avoid being disliked" become your "own actions" before you realized it?

"The False Self"
This refers to the "self that is not the real you," formed by constantly meeting the expectations of others.

If you keep acting in ways to avoid being disliked, your false self grows. And your true self becomes smaller and smaller.

What remains after you have perfectly played the role of "the person who is not disliked" is an empty feeling where you feel nothing at all.

The Threat of Being Disliked

Why does it feel like such a threat?

There is an evolutionary reason for this.

The brain processes the situation of "being disliked by someone" as a signal close to a "threat to life."

That is why your heart rate increases when you feel you might be disliked. Your mind goes blank. Your body freezes. This is not a sign of weak will, but a survival instinct of the brain.

"Rejection Sensitivity"
People with a strong fear of being rejected excessively read signals of "maybe I'm disliked" from the slightest changes in someone's facial expression or tone of voice.

For those who always have "I must not be disliked" in their heads, their radar for reading others' emotions is abnormally developed.

That is not a talent, but a survival skill born from fear.

Why do good people get exhausted?

That person is truly a good person, isn't he?

Sometimes, the person described that way is actually exhausted on the inside.

People who act to avoid being disliked are usually called "good people" by those around them.

They don't refuse requests. They don't express opinions. They keep the atmosphere pleasant. They don't make waves.

But what is happening behind the scenes of that "good person"?

Every time they swallow what they want to say, small amounts of stress pile up.

" Emotional labor" ...the act of suppressing and managing one's true feelings to continue performing the emotions that others demand.

They smile to avoid being disliked. They act calm even when they are actually angry. They say "I'm fine" even when they are hurt.

This is emotional labor. And emotional labor drains people in invisible ways.

"I've been feeling tired lately," "Nothing is fun no matter what I do," "I don't know what I want to do." These are symptoms caused by long-term emotional labor.

The true cost of a life spent avoiding being disliked

I want you to stop and think for a moment here.

What is the cost you are paying to avoid being disliked?

The true feelings you couldn't express. The requests you couldn't refuse. The paths you couldn't choose. The dreams you gave up on.

In exchange for the peace of mind of "not being disliked," you have been letting go of "your own life" little by little.

Choosing something also means not choosing something else.

Every time you chose not to be disliked, you chose not to do "what you wanted to do."

When you realize it, that accumulation turns into the feeling that "even though it's my life, it's not for me."

Countermeasures

I don't mean to say that you should stop living to avoid being disliked.

It is not that simple. Asking you to fight against your brain's survival instinct is an impossible request.

What is important is to be able to distinguish whether you are acting to avoid being disliked or because you truly want to do so.

1. Ask yourself, "Who is this choice for?"

Before you act, pause for just one second. Ask yourself, "Is this choice made to avoid being disliked, or is it a choice I want to make?" Once you know the answer, you can gradually increase the number of "choices for yourself."

2. Start with "small honest feelings"

There is no need to make big statements right away. "I would prefer this for lunch today," or "This work is difficult for me this week." Practice voicing your small, honest feelings little by little. It is just like muscle training. Gradually, you will strengthen the muscles that use your own voice.

3. Understand from the bottom of your heart that "you don't need to be liked by everyone"

Have the courage to be disliked. It is physically impossible to be liked by everyone. People who dislike you will dislike you no matter what you do. That is not your problem; it is their problem.

Whose life is a life lived without being disliked?

Living to avoid being disliked seems safe.

But within that safety, you are slowly disappearing.

To protect the "self that is not disliked," you keep sacrificing your "true self."

I want you to realize that trade-off.

It is okay to be disliked. You do not need to be liked by everyone.

Your life is far too precious to be spent trying not to be disliked by someone.