My Honest Feelings: The Signpost That Led Me to Connect with Myself Through Skin Cancer

After finding out I had skin cancer at the end of last year,
I have spent more time facing my own body since the beginning of this year.
I decided to write about what I felt on this journey of connecting with myself.

I had been completely indifferent to my own body for a long time.

Personally, I was relatively indifferent toward my own body,
I lived on the island without even wearing sunscreen,

and when I was a child, I would go to school with bedhead,
so much so that people would often say, 'Yu-chan, you've got bedhead again!'

I barely wore makeup and wasn't very interested in it, so I was the type to get ready faster than anyone else.
When I traveled with my female friends, I would go to bed earlier than anyone and get ready faster than anyone, so they would say I was like a young boy.

When I was a university student, I would oversleep, wake up, and catch my usual train 15 minutes later. I told my friends, 'I woke up 15 minutes ago,' and they were shocked... lol

I was the kind of college girl who would just brush her teeth, change clothes, and head out (I mean, what was that about?)

Even so, I had various complexes,
like my skinny physique, my hunched back, or my single eyelids...
I could never bring myself to like who I was.

I always lacked confidence somewhere,
and I feel like I never truly faced things head-on, making excuses like
'It's just my constitution,'
or 'My stomach is weak.'

Facing my own body might have been because
'I felt like I had to face things I didn't want to see.'

After skin cancer was found

It was a few years ago that a strange spot, different from a mole, appeared under my nose.

It bothered me so much that I tried to have it removed with a laser once, but I gave up because of the intense pain. The spot where it was hit didn't disappear at all.

Since then, I left it alone, thinking it couldn't be helped, but I felt like it was gradually getting darker...

When I looked at it closely, the blackness had an irregular pattern, so it really didn't look like a mole anymore...

My husband also said, 'That spot is getting darker,' so
I decided to go to a dermatologist after all.

When I went to the dermatologist and had the doctor look at it,
they immediately said, 'It doesn't look like something very good, so let's send a sample for a biopsy,' and they sent a part of it for pathological testing right away.

Even then, I was thinking optimistically at the time that 'it probably isn't malignant...'

When I went to hear the test results, I didn't feel particularly nervous as I went into the examination room,
but the doctor said, 'I'm glad you checked it early. It was malignant, so let's remove it soon.'

The diagnosis was something called 'basal cell carcinoma.'

First, the reassurance that it is not a life-threatening condition at this moment.

Even so, I was told that it was necessary to excise a slightly wider area around the tumor to check for any possibility of metastasis.

I heard this in November, so I thought if I was going to have surgery, it would be better to do it within the year.
I wanted to book the surgery early and welcome the New Year.
Thinking that, I booked the surgery on the earliest possible schedule.

To my own surprise, I decided to have it excised calmly and without hesitation.

Perhaps if it had been in a place that wasn't visible,
I might have wondered if there were other methods,
or I might have felt resistant to having it surgically removed.

However, since it was in the most noticeable place on my face,
and because the black tumor would spread and grow if left alone,
and there was a possibility of metastasis,
I could only think of the option of having it removed at an early stage.

At first, I wondered why it had to be in a place like under my nose...

But when I think that if it hadn't appeared in this spot, I would have left it alone without worrying, I am grateful that it appeared here, which allowed me to notice it early.

Depending on the extent of the excision, a skin graft might have been necessary, requiring surgery at a large hospital,

but in my case, I was told it seemed possible to stitch the skin together without a graft, so I was able to have it removed via surgery at the dermatology clinic (about 30 minutes).

Since they use anesthesia, the surgery itself doesn't hurt, but
the anesthesia injection is painful.

Even so, I think it might be a relief that the injection site was still under my nose, where the skin is thick.

Struggling with post-operative changes

They excised an area about 2mm from the tumor
and stitched it tightly,
so after the surgery, it felt like the position of my lip was raised on one side,

and I became anxious that my face might stay like this forever.

From that day on, I was prescribed antibiotics to take, considering the wound.

I rarely take antibiotics in my daily life,
and I often feel unwell when I do, so I felt resistant to it,
but this time, since it was an unknown situation, I listened to the doctor and took them.

Then, as expected, I had diarrhea, felt nauseous, and spent days feeling unwell.
I realized that for me, the subsequent medication treatment is more draining than the surgery itself...

A sense of discomfort, as if my body was no longer my own.

When you are fighting there, it just becomes exhausting...

I know there are times when medicine is necessary, but I also want to believe in the power of my own immune system...

Because of all this, around the end of the year, I spent my time struggling with a sense of loss, as if my body was no longer my own.

After the stitches were removed, I felt relieved that the tight skin had returned to normal a little bit.

Even so, when I opened my mouth to laugh, only the left side of my lip was pulled by the wound, making it look strange.

I was never good at smiling to begin with. I had no confidence in my smile. I couldn't bring myself to like my own smile...

The tight lip after the surgery seemed to accelerate that feeling even more...

Ah, I might never be able to open my mouth and laugh again... I even thought things like that.

However, I was told that as the wound heals, the tightness should improve, which gave me hope.

Post-operative progress over about half a year

It has been nearly half a year since the surgery.

The wound is much better than it was at the beginning.

However, about a month later, I noticed it had become hard and lumpy, so I consulted the doctor, who said, 'Because we cut deep, I think the skin is reacting and becoming like a keloid.' It was decided that we would treat it with steroid tape and herbal medicine.

Steroids?! I thought, 'I don't want that,' but I couldn't afford to be picky... The more I researched, the more it came up that it couldn't be healed naturally.

I was offered a choice between applying steroid tape until the raised skin flattened out, or getting a steroid injection to flatten it all at once, so I said, 'I would prefer the tape...'

I started treatment with the tape and herbal medicine for the first month. The tape was just something to apply, so it had almost no effect, but the herbal medicine just didn't agree with me at all...

Ever since I was young, when I take herbal medicine that doesn't agree with me, I get abdominal bloating, nausea, and dizziness...

I had a feeling this didn't agree with me either, so I stopped taking the herbal medicine.

I have been applying the tape for nearly five months now.

I feel like it has gotten better, but I also feel like it still hasn't healed completely.

Recently, it has been a bit inflamed and I feel a tingling pain.

I feel like I heard a voice from within myself saying, "Why don't you try stopping the steroid tape for a while?"

An unexpected change of heart

Thanks to finding out I had skin cancer,
many good things have been happening.

After all, I had never really faced my own body like this before.

Even though it is my own body, I had been living my life being indifferent to it.

Since the beginning of this year, my "body" has become a major theme.

These were things I had put off or avoided looking at somewhere along the way.

That is because I could never feel confident about myself,
and I was afraid of facing things properly.

But I was given an opportunity to be able to face them properly.

This wound can be healed by my own power.
That is an event that made me think so.

From now on, I want to live more gently and more sincerely with my body and my heart.

Being able to think that way has been the greatest gift for me.