Self-Introduction | To the me who couldn't live my own life.

Nice to meet you. Welcome.
Thank you for finding this note.

This note is a record of me, who couldn't live my own life for over 30 years.

I am currently a 41-year-old freelancer and have a daughter in junior high school.
I usually work as a journaling therapist and herbal therapist,
running the Wild Grass Journaling Lab and
creating a brand called Ashitaba steam "mo.ya-i", which offers original wild grass steam baths.

I want to increase the number of people who can create their own lives by "writing."

That is one of my missions.

I believe "writing" can take any form, whether it's journaling,
a note, or on other social media.

By "writing," you face your inner voice,

and by feeling that you are living honestly according to your true self,
and expressing that to society,

I feel that the sensation of creating your own life
leads to the driving force for living.

Childhood experiences became the trigger for wanting to "know myself."

I started thinking this way
because of my own childhood experiences.

My childhood was relatively tumultuous.
My father disappeared when I was one.
After that, due to domestic violence from my stepfather and my mother's four marriages,

even as a child,
"What was I born for?"
"Why is every day so painful?"

I used to think things like that.

I would bury my face in my futon and cry almost every night,
and when I was in my second year of junior high, I looked at life with a cynical eye.

I couldn't trust my friends, I couldn't talk to my family, and I even thought it would be fine if I just disappeared from this world...

That was when I picked up a notebook and a pen.
At the time, I didn't know the word "journaling."

It was a nameless tool to vent the frustration of "it's painful" and "why was I born."

But that moment, where I wasn't judged by anyone, was my only ally.

I felt like I could be saved by "writing"...

Once I started feeling that way, the notebook became my life partner and my conversation companion.

My teenage years were at rock bottom.

When I was 19, my parents divorced, and
in order to start living on my own,
I rented an apartment near the university I was attending at the time for 27,000 yen a month with a shared bath.

While working as a student assistant at school,
to pay back my tuition and cover living expenses,
I worked multiple part-time jobs, six or seven days a week.

At the 99-yen shop where I worked back then,
I would eat bento boxes that had been marked down to half price,
and I wore second-hand clothes just because they were cheap... those days.

My wallet was stolen at one of my part-time jobs,
and my entire fortune at the time, 3,000 yen, had been taken out and the wallet discarded on the street.

Even when I told the store manager, they treated it like someone else's problem,
and disappointed by that response, I went to the police box alone
and I still remember crying as I told the officer, 'I can't trust anyone anymore...'

And then, to make matters worse, my partner at the time
dumped me, saying, 'I've found someone else I like...'

I was at rock bottom, where nothing was going right.

My 20s, when I collapsed from overwork.

After graduating from university, I got a job at a food manufacturer.

It was my first-choice company, and I was blessed with a good environment and relationships.

However,
somewhere inside, I felt 'I must not be a burden,'
'I have to try harder,' 'I have to produce results,'
'Failures are my own fault.'

Every day I sacrificed myself, pushing myself to the limit...

Before I knew it, I had lost consciousness at a hotel while on a business trip
and was taken away by ambulance.

At this time, to the colleagues from work who came to visit me,
'I'm sorry for being a burden...'I apologized while crying.

After that, it was as if my heart had disappeared,
and thinking 'I can't stay at this company...'
I submitted my resignation and left the company behind.

And then, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to eat,
and my will to live began to fade away.

At that time, when I went to the hospital,
I was diagnosed with autonomic ataxia.

Although I gradually returned to society from there,
I was no longer able to work as a regular company employee.

Then, with marriage and pregnancy, I became a full-time housewife.

My 30s, struggling with parenting neurosis and autonomic ataxia.

Once I became a full-time housewife,
once I was away from the company,

I thought I would be at ease...

but I was dead wrong...

Rather...
I kept putting myself on the back burner more and more.

Days that didn't go as planned.

As a mother,
as a wife,
I became trapped by 'how I should be' and 'what I have to do'...
and I kept tightening the noose around my own neck.

And then, I would take my frustrations out on my children and husband,
and I would repeat the cycle of feeling self-loathing for being that way.

Furthermore, by being separated from society,
I felt like I wasn't recognized by anyone...
and I lost sight of what I was living for.

I didn't have the emotional capacity to think
that my adorable child was actually adorable.

I thought every day that I just wished they would grow up quickly.

At the same time, my body was full of ailments...
I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and couldn't get up in the morning.

Even when I went to the hospital, they said they didn't know the cause,
and after taking the prescribed medicine,
it didn't agree with my body, and I just kept getting worse.

At that time, my beloved grandmother
was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given one month to live.

Hearing that, on the way home, I was so shocked
that I don't even remember how I got back.

I was made to think about 'living' all over again.

I decided to seriously face myself.

And then, entering my late 30s,

I finally decided to seriously face myself.

I can't go on like this.

Is this really the life I want to live?

Events happened over and over again that seemed to ask me that,
and each time,

I thought, 'It's because I'm no good...'

I was self-denying

and running away.

I kept telling myself that if I just blamed myself,
it would solve everything.

But that was a mistake.

I wasn't listening to my own voice.

I was doing "journaling" at the time, but
the way I was digging deep was wrong,
and trying only to be positive didn't work.
Also, I couldn't manage it by trying to do everything on my own.

I was made to realize things like that.

By facing my true feelings,
the scenery I see changes.

And so, I made time to go back to my childhood
and face myself from scratch.

The sadness of being abandoned by my father at age one,
and the anxiety of not knowing who I am.

Memories of my stepfather's domestic violence,
the conflict he felt in raising me as an adopted child,
and the memories of receiving love from many people
even though we weren't blood-related.

I decided to carefully face each thing
that I didn't want to remember or see.

I had many painful experiences,

but once I was able to think

that those experiences were the greatest gifts of all,

the world I see truly changed.

I realized what happiness means to me,

I received help from many people,
opportunities came my way, and I let go of what was necessary,

so things happen exactly when they need to.

Now,
while cherishing the scenery I want to hold dear,
I feel that I am realizing a way of life that is true to myself.

Of course, it's not all perfect,
I still have worries every day, and challenges to face keep coming.

But now, I even feel affection for that process.

Taking the helm of your own life

I currently provide time for people to face their true feelings using journaling techniques, but in doing so, I never offer advice or define things like, 'You are this kind of person.'
If anything, I value


you realizing things for yourself

above all else.

At some point, it became normal for us to have others decide things for us.

Like choosing a career path because your parents said so...
Or wanting to work at a large company because it's a big name...
Or doing things at work because your boss told you to...
Or feeling like you should be a certain way because you got married or became a parent.

How much of your own will is in all of that??

Have you ever pushed yourself so hard that you broke your health?

Do you feel a sense of aimless anxiety, wondering if things are okay as they are?

Because I was that way myself,
I truly understand how you feel.

Why don't we create some time to face yourself together?

26 years ago,
the me back then, scribbling my true feelings in a notebook,

never imagined that my future self
would become someone who conveys that
'life changes through writing.'

Facing yourself is scary.
Sometimes you touch upon emotions you didn't want to see.

But I
have learned that beyond facing them properly,
a sense of being able to live as yourself was waiting.
So now,
I want to walk through that time together with you, who are carrying similar pain and difficulty in living.

If right now,
'Is it okay to stay like this?'
'I want to live more as my true self'
If you have even a little bit of that feeling,
please, let's write together.

Thank you for reading until the end😊

Yuka🕊

[Notice]

Regarding recruitment for the Wild Grass Journaling Lab members,

advance information will be provided via the newsletter below.
If you register your email, you will receive a 7-day journaling lesson, so
please, try the 7-day challenge first.

If you would like to start journaling from now on, this note is also recommended▽

Journaling sheets are added to this every month.
Through all the exercises, your own user manual will be completed.