What I realized after being told 'It's going to be tough from now on' over and over

It has been quite a while...
While I was away, I underwent in vitro fertilization and have safely reached my 16th week of pregnancy!
During this time, I spent my days thinking about many things while taking care of my health.
And today, I wrote about something I realized after becoming pregnant.

That is, I have started hearing the phrase 'It's going to be tough from now on' very often.

'You won't be able to sleep.'
'You won't have any time for yourself.'
'Raising a child is really hard.'

Of course, no one says these things with bad intentions. I think people who have actually experienced raising children are speaking from their own experiences, and many are likely saying it out of kindness, wanting to tell me that I should be mentally prepared.

But every time I heard those words, I felt a sense of discomfort.

'Why is it always about the hardships?'

That question remained in the back of my mind the whole time.

Come to think of it, this feeling didn't start after I became pregnant.

I feel like it was the same when I got married.

'Marriage is hell.'
'It was easier being single.'
'I get annoyed at my husband every day.'

I heard stories like that very often.

On the other hand, I don't remember hearing many stories about how 'marriage enriched my life,' 'every day is fun,' or 'it's a blessing to be able to grow old together.'

Of course, there are many happy couples.

Even around me, there are people who cherish each other and have built relationships where you can feel that 'it was good to get married.'

So, it's not that there are few happy people.

Yet, for some reason, the stories that come out of people's mouths are overwhelmingly about their struggles.

I have always found that strange.

If someone who is about to take on a new challenge is only told about the 'hardships' from the start, would they still want to take on that challenge?

For example, job hunting.

If you were only told at a company information session that 'there is a lot of overtime,' 'you will be scolded if you make a mistake,' and 'the interpersonal relationships are difficult,' surely few people would think, 'Great, I want to join this company!'

In reality, it is precisely because we also convey the rewards of the work, the opportunities for growth, and the charm of the people we work with that people feel, 'I want to work here.'

Of course, life is different from work.

There must be many difficult things about raising children, and married life cannot be all fun either.

But even so, I couldn't help but think.

This question led me to spend the whole day thinking about human psychology.

And while searching for the answer, before I knew it, I ended up reflecting not on other people, but on my own life.

Why did this phrase bother me so much?

At first, I was thinking something a bit mean-spirited. 'Could it be that they want me to suffer as much as they did?' That thought crossed my mind. Perhaps there is a feeling of wanting to tell someone, 'You're going to have a hard time too, so be prepared,' precisely because they have struggled themselves. Or perhaps there is a desire to have someone understand, 'I worked so hard.' But that explanation didn't quite sit right with me. There are many truly kind people around me. Even when I think of the people I have met so far, I don't think they are speaking with the intention of making someone anxious. Then, why is it? While thinking about that, I began to feel that 'perhaps painful events remain more strongly in people's memories.' For example, when you go on a trip. Even years later, you might remember the panic of almost missing a flight more vividly than the beautiful scenery or the delicious meals. It's the same with student life. Rather than the days spent living normally, events like failing a test or feeling embarrassed in front of others often leave a deeper impression. Surely, raising children might be the same. The daily life of laughing together casually is so natural and happy that there are few opportunities to talk about it as a special event. But the days when you couldn't sleep all night or the days you panicked because of a high fever remain as strong memories. That might be why, when talking to someone, it tends to become a story about 'it was really tough.' And there is one more thing I thought about. In Japan, there is a culture where it is a bit embarrassing to speak of happiness directly. 'I am happy every day.' 'I'm so glad I got married.' 'I enjoy raising children so much.' If you say things like that, it can sometimes sound like you are bragging. Therefore, rather than talking about happiness directly, it is easier to fit into the atmosphere of the place by saying, 'Oh no, it's tough,' while laughing. I feel like there is a bit of that culture as well. While thinking about that, I also remembered the past. I have always been a bit uncomfortable with the atmosphere at drinking parties where couples complain about each other. 'My husband really doesn't do anything.' 'My wife, too...' When such talk starts, those around them join in, saying, 'I know, I know!' Of course, I don't think that is a bad thing. By venting daily stress and empathizing with each other, feelings might become lighter. But even when I was in that circle, I couldn't enjoy it from the heart. Rather, I was the type who found stories like 'something happy happened recently' or 'I felt this kind of happiness after getting married' more heartwarming to listen to, and I wanted to talk about such things myself. In fact, there are gatherings I stopped attending naturally because I couldn't fit into that atmosphere. At the time, I thought, 'Maybe I'm a bit strange.' But this time, by feeling the same sense of discomfort triggered by my pregnancy, I finally realized. I have always been someone who

prefers sharing happiness over sharing misfortune



was the case. Of course, I don't mean to say that talking about hardships is bad. A place where you can say 'it was tough' when you are struggling is very important. But there should also be a place where you can talk about 'I had this happiness' with peace of mind, just as much. That is what I think. And when I was thinking about that, this question suddenly came to mind.



Then, how do I talk about my own life?


If someone asked me, 'How has your life been so far?', would I only remember the hardships? Or would I remember the happy things? Triggered by that question, I decided to look back on the life I have walked so far, one by one.

I looked back on my own life

'How would I talk about my own life?' When that question popped into my head, strangely enough, events from my life so far came to mind one after another. The first thing that came to mind was when I challenged myself to a full marathon. 42.195km. While I was running, it was truly painful, and I regretted signing up many times. My legs hurt, I was out of breath, and there were times from halfway through when even taking one step felt painful. By the time I finished, my toenails were peeling off. If you only took that moment, I think it would be no wonder if I thought, 'I never want to do this again.' But what I remember now is not that pain. The scenery the moment I saw the finish line. The cheers I heard from the roadside. And the sense of accomplishment when I finished, which was beyond words. 'I'm really glad I did my best back then.' That feeling remains much stronger. So now, I can even think, 'I want to run again.'

The next thing I remembered was when I was working in Sweden. Of course, it wasn't all fun. There were times I worried about human relationships, and days I felt down because work didn't go as I wanted. But more than that, I remember the beautiful townscapes, the clear air, and the summer sky that stayed bright until late at night. The people I met there. Being surprised by the cultural differences. The days I couldn't have experienced in Japan. The values that changed completely after living in a land different from Japan. It is a place I love so much that I can still think, 'I want to go again.'

My previous job was the same. When I worked as a civil servant, it was a truly busy daily life. There were things that didn't go as planned, and there were not a few times I felt it was tough. Even so, looking back now, the first thing that comes to mind is the people. The senior who spoke to me kindly. The children who worked so hard. The time I laughed with colleagues over casual small talk. I can think that I am who I am today precisely because of those days back then.

And, fertility treatment. This was a time in my life when my emotions were particularly shaken. There were days I shed tears because I didn't get the results I wanted. 'Why only me?' There were times I thought that. Even so, there were people I met precisely because I had that time. The warmth of the clinic's doctors and staff. The support of my family. And the time to face myself. Looking back, fertility treatment is not just a 'painful experience.' I think it was a precious time when I touched the kindness of people and was able to know both my own weaknesses and strengths.

Looking back like this, I noticed something strange. The experiences I consider 'treasures of my life' were never easy. Along the way, there were times I thought, 'I don't want this anymore.' There were times I wanted to run away. But now, I think 'I'm glad I did' about all of them. Of course, the memory of being in pain hasn't disappeared. I remember well that it was painful and tough back then. Even so, when I look back on the entire experience, I can think, 'It was happy.' I found that very strange. And the answer to that 'strangeness' began to appear little by little.

Events might just be events

The marathon, life in Sweden, my previous job, and fertility treatment. None of them were easy experiences. Even so, I now think 'I'm glad I did' about all of them. When I was thinking about the reason, a phrase suddenly came to mind.


'Events might just be events.'


Until now, I thought there were 'good events' and 'bad events.' If it goes well, it's a good thing. If you fail, it's a bad thing. If it's painful, it's a bad experience. If it was fun, it's a good memory. I think I naturally divided and thought about them like that. But is that really so? For example, the full marathon. If I were asked, 'Are you happy now?' while I was running, I think I would have answered, 'I'm not happy at all!' But now, I think from the bottom of my heart, 'I'm glad I had that experience.' The event itself hasn't changed at all. What changed is only how I take it. Life in Sweden was the same. Back then, there were days I was overwhelmed by what was in front of me. But now, it remains in my heart as a beloved memory. My previous job and fertility treatment are surely the same. The pain I felt at that time hasn't disappeared. But when I look back on the entire event, it became a time that couldn't be described only as 'painful.' When I thought about that, I realized one thing. I might not have been tormented by the event itself, but rather I might have been attaching the meaning 'this is a bad thing' to that event. Of course, this is not a story about 'let's think positively about everything.' There are truly sad events, and there are experiences that you just cannot accept. If it's painful, it's painful. If it's tough, it's tough. I don't want to put a lid on those feelings. But when time passes and you look back, was there really only pain in that event? When I thought about that, my answer was 'no.' Noticing someone's kindness. Knowing my own weakness. Seeing scenery I couldn't see before. 'Because I had that experience, I am who I am today.' There were many events for me that I could think that about. So recently, the phrase 'life events' has come to feel more appropriate than 'good events' or 'bad events.' The meaning of any event is not decided just by that moment. A few years later, a day might come when you can think, 'I'm glad I had that experience.' Conversely, something you thought was happy at the time might have a different meaning later on. Life might be something where meaning grows after the fact like that. And I realized one more important thing. I wasn't good at turning painful events into 'happy memories.' I was just remembering the small happiness that was in those events without forgetting it. The moment I realized that, I even started to look forward to the future a little. The child-rearing that is about to begin might surely be the same. I was able to think that way.

I want to be a person who conveys happiness

When I was thinking about such things, I was naturally imagining the future. Soon, I will become a mother. Surely, child-rearing will be a series of things not going as planned. There might be days I wake up many times in the middle of the night. There will be days I can't sleep as I want. When the child grows up, different worries will surely emerge. Of course, I think there will be many tough things. But I don't want to leave only the memory that 'it was tough.' The day they smiled for the first time. Holding their small hand. Meeting eyes casually and laughing together. I want to remember each of those happinesses just as importantly. And I thought about what kind of parent I want to be when the child grows up someday. 'Life is tough, so be prepared.' I don't want to say things like that. Of course, there are painful things in life. There are things that don't go as planned. There are days when effort is not rewarded. Even so, I don't think telling them 'life is a painful thing' will be for the child's benefit. What I want to convey is something different. 'Life has many fun things.' 'There are tough things, but there are even more interesting and happy things.' I want to become a parent who can convey that. I came to think so. Of course, that probably won't be conveyed by words alone. If a parent sighs every day and says 'life is fun,' it surely won't be conveyed to the child. That is precisely why I want to live that kind of life myself. Thinking about it all day today, there is an answer I finally reached. I don't want to eliminate hardships. I don't want to erase trials from life. Instead,



I want to be a person who can enjoy even the process.

How can I enjoy it? How can I laugh? How can I come to love this time? Thinking about such things, I want to live by finding my own ways. Even if there is a painful event, I want to be a person who can find the small happiness within that event. Surely, that accumulation will lead to being able to think 'it was a good life' when I look back on my life years later. And one more thing, there is something I want to fulfill. I want to be a person who conveys happiness. 'It's going to be tough from now on.' Not just words like that, 'It's going to be fun from now on.' 'Surely a wonderful time is waiting for you.' I want to be a person who can naturally convey words like that too. I am not hiding the hardships. I will convey the hardships properly too. But just as much, I will convey the happiness. I want to be a person who can talk about both. Perhaps, the reason I have always been uncomfortable listening only to couples' complaints at drinking parties might be for the same reason. I preferred sharing happiness over sharing misfortune. And I want to continue to be that kind of person. It was something I started thinking about triggered by pregnancy, but what I finally reached was not about child-rearing. I think this was surely a story about the way of life itself, about how I want to walk through life from now on.

Conclusion

While writing this article, I looked back on my life many times.
Marathons, my life in Sweden, my previous job, fertility treatment.
Even though there were events at the time that made me think, 'I can't take this anymore,' looking back now, they are all things I can say, 'I'm glad I had that experience.'

So, I'm sure the parenting that is about to begin will be the same.
Even though it hasn't even started yet, I found myself bracing for it a little after hearing so many people say, 'It's going to be tough from here on out.'

But today, after writing this, those feelings have changed a little.
It is surely a fact that there will be difficult times.
But that is not everything in life.
Within those times, there will surely be moments where we can laugh together.
There will surely be moments so happy they bring tears to my eyes.

And perhaps a few years from now, I will be the one laughing while saying, 'Those days were really tough, weren't they?'

I am sure I will continue to have various experiences in the future.
There will be times when things go well, and times when things don't go as planned.
Even so,I want to be the kind of person who doesn't rush to label those events as 'good' or 'bad,' but instead finds the small happiness within them.
That is what I am thinking.

And if you, who have read this article, are currently trying to take on a challenge or are feeling anxious, there is one thing I want to tell you.

There will surely be difficult times.
But just as much, or perhaps even more, there may be scenery, encounters with people, and happy moments waiting for you that only you can experience.
That is why I want to be a person who can deliver not just the words, 'It's going to be tough from here on out,' but also,
'I'm looking forward to what's coming next.'
I want to be someone who can share those words as well.

Now that I have finished writing this article, I am looking forward to that future just a little bit more.