What it Means to "Listen" to Children

I'm Momo, a company employee and mother of three.

My children are in fourth grade, first grade, and middle year of kindergarten, from oldest to youngest.

They are at the age where they want me to listen to them, saying, "Mom, guess what?"

But honestly, I haven't been listening to them properly.

It's common to have no energy when I get home on weekdays and am doing chores at top speed, but when I thought about how I am at other times, I started to break into a cold sweat.

Let's think about the importance of "listening" to children.

First, let's distinguish between "hearing" and "listening".

I have intentionally separated the characters for "hearing" and "listening".

Setting aside the strict definitions, I am writing this article with the nuance that "hearing" is simply perceiving what enters your ears, while "listening" means paying attention to the other person's feelings as well.

You could also say it's the difference between being passive and active.

Roughly speaking, "listening" means you are paying attention more properly than just "hearing."

Just "hearing" children's stories takes energy.

Now that I've clarified the meaning, I'll look back at the times I "hear" my children's stories.

Just "hearing" the endless stories thrown at me by my children takes energy in itself.

My children don't take turns speaking; all three of them talk about whatever they want, so it takes effort to distinguish what they are saying.

Also, children don't speak logically, so it takes brainpower to understand the meaning.

And the clincher is the frustration of hearing so many "guess what"s and "um"s.

It is common to feel frustrated inside, thinking, 'What are you trying to say!?'

[Confession] I have mostly been letting my child's stories go in one ear and out the other.

As described above, listening to a child not only overworks your ears but also forcibly consumes your brain's resources, so it is very tiring.

That is why... I end up just letting it slide.

Well, that is just an excuse, isn't it?

The biggest factor is that I simply don't have the capacity.

When children are small, their stories are mostly meaningless, so that might be acceptable.

However, once they reach elementary school age, you can't just say that anymore.

Being disappointed by your child is extremely bad

In our family, my two younger children seem satisfied just by talking.

But my eldest, a fourth-grade daughter, comes to me with the desire to be 'listened to'.

And she sensitively detects when her mother is just letting her words slide by.

This is a very bad situation.

If she becomes disappointed, thinking, 'This person isn't listening to me at all,' she won't tell me about important things anymore, will she?

This is a crucial period as she approaches adolescence.

If I don't build a relationship of trust, it is easy to imagine that it will cause major problems for my child's growth and our parent-child relationship.

Turning an 'Angel Eye' toward them

I, as a mother, have turned over a new leaf.

I have decided to truly listen to my children.

Even if what they say has no substance, is silly, makes no sense, or if I get impatient because they can't seem to reach a conclusion (that's a terrible way to put it... haha).

I try to stop what I am doing, turn toward them, and meet their eyes.

When that is difficult, I make sure to make eye contact frequently.

At these times, I am conscious of using my 'angel eyes'.

Angel eyes mean looking at them with gentle eyes that say I accept everything about them.

The Effect of Angel Eyes

When I show a gentle expression, it seems my children feel at ease.

In particular, when my eldest or second son is furious about something and takes it out on me, looking at them with 'angel eyes' seems to naturally calm their anger.

They might find themselves smiling because their mother is looking at them with a warm expression, or they might start to tell me what was making them angry.

It is a moment where I truly understand that children just want their mother to listen to them and accept their feelings.

Being There with a Big Heart

Dealing with children is difficult in many ways, but the starting point is to first accept the messy and unreasonable things they throw at you with a big heart and be there for them.

Suppress the urge to share your own thoughts or logical arguments, and start by acknowledging them.

Look at them with 'angel eyes'.

I believe that children who feel secure in this way will be able to walk the right path.

It requires patience, but it is an important role for a parent.

This is something I would like to keep firmly in mind.

Thank you very much for reading until the end.