[2 Months Old] A Story About Being Heartbroken Again by Breastfeeding Refusal (Part 1)

I feel like saying, "Is it happening again?" but yes, it is "again."
I wonder if this comes in waves.

I suspect that various things happen when the baby reaches a new month of age.
Because the last breastfeeding refusal was also at the end of the month!
This time it's also at the end of the month!!

It all started when the baby stopped drinking and started looking around. They were restless, looking here and there, perhaps curious about their surroundings.

This was the first stage.

A few days later, the second stage arrived.
They started crying just at the sight of the breast.
Or rather, crying or showing dislike.

So, I gave up and gave them formula, then pumped afterwards.

I wondered if the nursing pillow had flattened and changed the height, but that wasn't it. It was seriously breastfeeding refusal!!

I fell into the pumping hell again.
The loop of breastfeeding refusal → formula → pumping → sanitizing/drying → assembling the breast pump... began.

My mental state was in tatters once again, and tears would just fall while I was feeding the baby formula alone.

Even if I finished the formula and tried to breastfeed, it was no use.
Even in the dark, it was no use.
Even trying right after they woke up, it was no use.
I tried everything generally thought of, but it was no use!

I'm sure they preferred the easy-flow bottle where milk comes out freely, and grew to dislike the breast where they have to work for it.

While thinking about that and struggling through daily life with pumping, various problems started to arise.

1. Tendonitis
2. Blood pooling from eye allergies
3. Breastfeeding refusal

My body is falling apart. I only get about 6 hours of sleep in total.
I pump every 3 hours. The fatigue is piling up.

One morning, since they sometimes drink when they've just woken up, I tried breastfeeding, but it failed.

However, for some reason, I wanted to try a little harder that day, and when I persisted a bit longer, they started wailing.

They were crying so hard that my husband, who had been sleeping, woke up to check the situation.

When I said, "Breastfeeding didn't work again...", he went back to bed without saying a word.

Something snapped inside me at that moment.

"You didn't say a word to me. No one is helping me. Even though it's so painful."

I felt as if I had been abandoned by everyone.
It was so painful, so painful that I couldn't stop the tears.

While I was feeding the baby formula, anger toward my husband gradually welled up inside me.

Once the baby finished drinking and was in a good mood, I went to my husband.
I woke him up.

👩"Why did you go back to bed earlier without saying anything?"
👩"Didn't you think to ask if you should make the formula?"
👱‍♂️"I thought you were switching to formula since breastfeeding didn't work. I thought you were okay. Plus, I had work, so I wanted to sleep."

👩"I told you the other day that I was at my limit, didn't I? Do you really think I've recovered? I'm holding on because I have to recover! It's agonizingly painful, but I'm managing somehow because I have to keep living!"

👩"Because you didn't say anything earlier, I felt like no one would help me. It was painful. I've asked for help so many times. Even when I say this is painful, nothing seems to get through to you."
👩"There's no one else to help me, so why won't you help me!"
👩"I will never forgive you for choosing work over me."

While I was crying and saying these things, I started hyperventilating. It was probably the third time in my life.
During that time, my husband rubbed my back, but since he didn't seem to know how to handle it, I managed to tell him to get me a bag and I breathed on my own.

After I calmed down, I explained how to deal with hyperventilation.

He asked if he should take the day off work, but since my head was still foggy after the hyperventilation,

👩"My head is foggy right now, so I can't think about anything."
When I said that, my husband contacted his workplace and took the day off.

I think I was able to feel a little better because I took a break from pumping, got two hours of sleep, and spent time relaxing.

On the day I hyperventilated, I had originally booked postpartum care, but it was postponed due to a typhoon.

I was planning to go the next day.
If I had gone to postpartum care, I wonder if I wouldn't have been pushed to the point of hyperventilating.

What would have happened if my husband hadn't taken the day off then? It's scary.

To be continued.