Facing the issue of "hikikomori" is not about changing the child

I don't like the idea that if we can just do something about a child who has become a "hikikomori," the problem will be solved and we can return to our original life.

However, I wonder if parents struggling with hikikomori, or even the government, think that if they can just do something about the child, this problem will be solved and they can return to their original life.

If you are worried about your child's "hikikomori" and you see no signs of a solution, or if time is just dragging on, I would like you to take this opportunity to think about it for a moment.

Is the parent-child relationship the same now as it was before your child became a "hikikomori"?

• You can no longer say what you want to say.

• When it comes to important conversations, you are interrupted or ignored.

Is it possible that, even if you try to guide your child as a parent, you are unable to do so, or that the parent-child relationship is no longer functioning as it should?

If your child were to start working while in this state, as a parent, you would likely feel relieved, thinking that you can finally return to your original life and no longer be troubled by your child, regardless of the state of your relationship.

However, when the child cannot get along in that workplace, no matter how hard they try not to return to their former "hikikomori" state, they may end up back there if they are pushed to their mental limits.

When that happens, wouldn't you be disappointed, thinking, "Is that life going to repeat itself again?"

This applies to both the parent and the child.

I believe there is no "hikikomori" who wants to be a burden to their parents.

In such a situation, if the parent is disappointed, thinking "Is that life going to repeat itself again?" and the child sees that, what would the child think?

If, out of self-reproach for causing trouble for their parents again, the child decides to treat their own life carelessly so as not to cause any more trouble for their parents and to stop suffering themselves, what would those parents think?

I became a "hikikomori" after I turned 30.

After graduating from vocational school, I did manage to find employment, and although I jumped from job to job, there was a period when I lived away from my parents.

My parents were basically laissez-faire, and even when I was a student, I think we had the bare minimum of conversation, but there is almost nothing that remains in my memory. Therefore, I don't think we were a close-knit parent and child who talked every single day.

That said, at the very least, I didn't avoid my parents, and I think we were able to have important conversations as parent and child. Being parent and child was a given, and I think there was a kind of trust there, even if I was unaware of it.

And above all, although I am an only child, I did not feel lonely.

However, after I became a 'hikikomori,' things became the exact opposite.

I came to hate my parents, and because of the pain of not being understood by anyone, I constantly felt a kind of loneliness.

If my parents tried to say anything to me, I would give them a vague reply or ignore them; in any case, I kept them at a distance with a high-handed attitude, as if to say, 'Don't bother me.'

At that time, I completely lost sight of the invisible things like the bond and trust between parent and child.

My mother says that when I was a hikikomori, she would often cry alone in the car when she went out shopping.

From a parent's perspective, I think she must have been at a loss, not knowing why this situation was happening or what to do about it.

I think my mother blamed herself, wondering if her way of raising me was bad or what she had done wrong.

I doubt there are many parents who can remain calm when their child becomes a 'hikikomori'.

Surely, you too, like my mother at that time, might be blaming yourself or not knowing what to do from here on out.

I think there are many things you lose when your child becomes a 'hikikomori'.

Aren't you losing various invisible things, such as your dignity and pride as a parent, the bond and trust between parent and child, and your sense of purpose and value as a parent?

It was undoubtedly thanks to my mother that I was saved from the darkness of being a 'hikikomori'.

At the time, my mother always treated me as if I were a sore spot, but I remember that from a certain point on, that atmosphere of walking on eggshells disappeared.

That was when the relationship with my parents (especially my mother) began to change.

Now, I talk about all sorts of things more than I did before I became a "hikikomori," and if my mother says she wants to see the autumn leaves, I even go out with her to places like Nikko.

Things are happening now that I couldn't have imagined when I was a student or back when I was a shut-in.

Back then, I just hated my parents, so I didn't have the slightest desire to repair my relationship with them.

The relationship we have now was built because of my mother's change.

If my mother hadn't changed, I definitely wouldn't be here today.

That is why I am truly grateful to my mother.

It might not be my place to say this, given how much pain I caused my parents, but

I believe that facing the issue of "hikikomori" is about regaining the strength as a parent and the parent-child relationship as it should beI believe that is what it is.

I believe that the parent-child relationship as it should be is a relationship where you cannaturally and normally support each otheras you give and take.

For a parent and child, this kind of relationship might seem natural, but if one of them asks for help or support and the other makes a sour face or views it as a burden, can you really say that is "naturally and normally"?

If a child asks for help or support, a parent might try to respond, but what about the child?

I think many parents try not to be a burden to their children, but when the time comes or when it is necessary, isn't it mentally painful to receive support while being met with a sour face or being thought of as a nuisance or a burden, or to feel indebted?

It may sound cruel, but"children will not give you back what you have lost"is my personal theory.

Perhaps if you wait forever, there might come a time when your child gives you back what you lost, but honestly, I don't know when that will be, or if it will even happen while you are still alive.

Recently, the term "parent gacha" has emerged, and expressions like "winning" or "losing" have become prominent.

If I had used this term back when I was a shut-in, I might have thought I had "lost."

There can be nothing sadder for a parent than to have their own child think, "I lost the parent gacha."

Having experienced 'hikikomori' myself and learned firsthand the importance of the parent-child bond, I believe that the encounter between a parent and child always has a purpose.

Even if your child currently thinks you are a disappointment, you can definitely turn that around.

To do that, isn't it about regaining the strength as a parent and the true nature of the parent-child relationship, so that your child can feel glad that you are their parent?

If you believe that you can return to your original life by somehow fixing your child who is in a state of hikikomori, or that the parent-child relationship can be recovered at any time later, then please, by all means, follow your own convictions.

However, if you believe that this issue of 'hikikomori' is not just a troublesome matter causing you distress, but something that carries some kind of meaning, then I might be able to be of help to you.

What kind of future do you want to achieve in resolving this issue of 'hikikomori'?