I never had confidence, so I just kept trying my best

Good evening. This is Mochimaru.

Ever since I was in junior high school, for over 15 years, I have lived with anxiety in my heart. A stronger anxiety than others, sometimes called anticipatory anxiety.

Things that people say are 'totally fine' are not fine at all for me.

I am different from everyone else.

That includes my own sensibilities and the personality trait of having strong anxiety.

In addition to that, I am not good at being watched by others.
Things I can do silently on my own sometimes make my mind freeze when people are watching.

I have lived such a very clumsy life.

Perhaps because of that, I have been trying my best ever since I was a student.

I felt that because I was lacking compared to others, I had to try my best. I just kept trying and trying.

But nothing went away.
Neither the anxiety nor my heart that lacked confidence.
No matter how hard I tried, nothing went away.

Recently, too, I have been trying and trying my best.

Why is that?

Maybe it is because I wanted to be praised somewhere along the way.

Mochimaru-san, you're amazing. Thank you.

Maybe it is because I wanted to be told that.

But the reality is not an ideal world at all.

Countless words and tasks, like stars, were scattered about and pierced my heart.

There is a sadness in this world that feels like it could shatter my whole heart.
A sorrow spread through my chest, like a heart floating all alone at dusk.

Perhaps I just wanted to be useful with what I could do. I have always lived my life that way.

But before I knew it, the path had branched off, and I had wandered into an unknown forest.
That was not the path I was looking for.

I was in a swamp from which I could not escape no matter how hard I tried.
And, without being of any use to others, I drifted further and further away from my ideals.

That must have been what made me sad.

I am the one who is compared to others and found lacking.
I am the one who is slow to understand.

I have always been in that world, and I am still in that world now.

Like a crystal ball rolling onto the floor and shattering,
that kind of pain has always been in my chest.

I didn't know where to put these feelings, and I kept holding them in my chest without knowing where to go.

It is not something that can be expressed in a single word.

Because of that, perhaps I was trying to sublimate those unsettled feelings by working hard.

The answer does not come immediately.
These feelings cannot be easily put into words.

But I must no longer fill the void by working hard.

Just because I am different from others in many ways, there is no need to make up for it with effort.

Just because I have anxiety, there is no need to lose confidence.

Accepting myself exactly as I am.

It is not a world of superficial acceptance or non-acceptance,
but rather I was viewing the world from a much deeper, deeper place.

I feel I understand now that it was painful because it did not connect or overlap with the world others see.

I should just embrace this world as it is.

There are storms, and there is thunder.
But there are also days when rainbows appear.

My goal for this year is to live while holding onto a sunny spot.

It is okay not to have confidence, and it is okay not to do things well.

I will simply live with the strength I have right now.

That can be difficult at times, though.

There are many times when I see things I don't want to see.
There are times when I just want to close my eyes.

It's okay to stop and take a break.
Don't push yourself until you hurt yourself.

To live each moment with care.

Words for the version of myself that was always trying too hard.

I will gently scoop up each one and offer them to my heart.

Since last month, I have been lost in a world like this, and I feel like I finally understand something, just a little.

I have written down these rambling emotions.

Thank you for reading until the end.