Between My Name and My Feelings

The name my parents gave me,
both in its sound and its kanji,
held a wish in every single part.

A name that is so warm,
and filled with so many feelings.

I have always felt proud
of my own name.

At the same time, I feel like
I have lived my life
stretching myself a little too thin.

Thinking I have to live up to expectations,
or that I must not let anyone down.

Though it is something that cannot be clearly put into words.

A feeling that I have accepted
something like a small sense of mission
that exists alongside my name.

Perhaps that is why,
even in places where anonymity would be fine,
I have always used my own name.

Maybe I felt that I shouldn't
become 'someone else' for no reason.

When I started note,
I naturally intended
to use my own name as my account name.

But,
in front of the small blank fieldlabeled 'Creator Name',

my hand stopped for a while.

What would happen if I entered
a 'name for myself',
rather than one for someone else?

I typed various names, then deleted them,
typing and deleting over and over again.

I felt a little embarrassed,
restless, and uneasy.

💭

Is this really okay...?
I pressed the update button with hesitation.

What I entered into the blank creator name field was

Ena

a name I have never used
in my life until now.

I gently entrusted my feelings
to this name.

The name Ena,
though it sounds different,
is something that retains a connection to my own name.

It is a name born when I looked at
the feelings imbued in my real name
from a slightly different angle, one closer to myself.

I thought about whether it would be okay
to be more free
and choose something completely unrelated to my own name, but...

I could not suddenly let go of
the version of myself that has cherished
the wishes and expectations of those around me,or the time I have spent living within them.

I could not
let them go.

But, not just for the sake of someone else's expectations or wishes,
I wanted to try having a name for myself.

I felt that I wanted to properly protect
this moment when I felt that way.

So,
it is okay not to let go of expectations completely.

But,
it is also okay not to remain bound by them.

I will try standing in between.

In that way,
without having to choose either one,
I decided to create a place where I can exist

through the name "Ena"
within note.

So that I can tell
both my past selfand my future self,

"It is okay to be here."

🌷

Should I protect it to the end?

Or,
should I let it go?

I sometimes feel like I have to
choose one thing,

or that only one side
is the correct one.

I find myself wavering
between "how things should be" and "how I want to be."

However,
both the things I still cannot let go of
and the feelings that have newly sprouted

I thought that it might be okay
to try and start walking
while holding onto both.

Within note,

not using my real name,
nor using a completely different name,

there were words I could only weave
because I was "Ena."

It was because I was the version of me that carried both
that I reached these encounters and connections.

It is not that I have neatly organized anything,
nor have I found a wonderful answer.

Things I want to protect.
Feelings I want to change.
Things I cannot let go of even if I want to.

Various things still exist
in my heart all at once.

The reason I am writing this article
while embracing all of that
is because I wanted to leave behind my current words.

❄

Every year, February is a season
to reflect on the meaning of the name I was given
and on the fact that I was born.

It is because it is the month of my birthday.

Nothing will change drastically, but
this is the first February I am welcoming as Ena.

At this milestone, I thought I wanted to
leave behind my words as they are now.

The February full moon, the Snow Moon.

In the midwinter night sky,
both the coldness and the warmth

shone brilliantly,
as if to embrace them both.

🌕

To everyone I have met in this vast, vast city of note.

Thank you so much for always finding the words I, Ena, write while swaying.

I am simply happy to be here.

That is the feeling with which I am here.

And if I were to write down my wish, just a little bit,

it would be to go beyond our respective positions and roles,

and have a wonderful moment where someone's feelings and my words cross paths.

I press the post button while carrying that wish.

Even the feelings that haven't yet become words, and the fluffy things whose outlines I cannot even grasp,

if there were a moment where they happened to cross paths with a fragment inside your heart,

that would be one of my irreplaceable joys right now.

🍀

Thank you for reading until the end today as well.

With gratitude for meeting all of you.

I hope we can meet again.🌠

Ena