Beyond "Must Not Buy" - The Day I Bought My First Note

💭 Am I not allowed to buy paid notes?

You might find it a bit strange, but
I have always thought that I "must not buy" paid notes.

"I couldn't forgive myself for buying one"
perhaps that expression fits better.

🏠 Living within the system

I am currently living with the support of the system.

I don't have a lot of extra money, but
thankfully, I am able to manage my daily life.

For example, a note priced about the same as a slice of cake is within my reach.

Even so, paid notes
felt like something distant to me.

🛒 The purchase button I couldn't press

It happened while I was waiting at the checkout in a supermarket.

When I opened my smartphone,
a sparkling paid note caught my eye.

"Wow, I want to read this...!"
My heart fluttered.

The price was even lower than the seasoning I had just put in my basket.

And yet,
I couldn't press the purchase button.

"Even though I'm receiving support, is it okay to be 'extravagant'...?'"

It felt like that voice was echoing from deep within my heart.

Of course,
no one had told me that.

But some trivial words I had heard somewhere,
like an invisible atmosphere drifting through society,
had seeped into me before I knew it.

I can buy supermarket items that have gone up in price,
so why is it so difficult to buy a note?

🔒 Preemptively protecting myself

Looking back, ever since I started receiving institutional support,

every time I encountered something 'fun,' I would label it as a 'luxury'
and often found myself tucking those feelings deep away.

I would restrict myself before anyone else could blame me.
I would forbid myself before anyone else could deny me.

I thought that if I did that,
maybe I wouldn't get hurt if someone said something.

It was a slightly painful and awkward way of being.

But at the same time, it was also my own way of
protecting my heart from being hurt by outside voices.

🌈 Saving Hope with 'Note Savings'

What I secretly started doing was
'Note savings'.

On days when I could do a one-off part-time job,
I would put a little bit into a small piggy bank.

The amount was truly small.

But what I was saving there
was not just 'money'.

The feeling of 'I want to read this'.
The permission to myself that 'it's okay to enjoy this'.

It felt like I was carefully saving those 'thoughts and feelings'
one by one.

🕊 The 'People' I Meet Beyond the Writing

As I continued my Note savings,
I began to feel the 'people' behind the writing more and more.

Words written while struggling with uncertainty.
Posts that share precious moments of daily life.

One note
honestly described the 'conflict of releasing paid articles'.

Just as I was facing myself and my inability to buy,
when I learned that the sellers were also facing their own anxieties and doubts,

I suddenly thought this:

'Buying' isn't just a payment,
but perhaps a gentle cycle where thoughts and feelings connect.maybe.

🎉 The Day I Bought My First Note

And then, finally, the other day.
I was able to purchase a note from the two of you for the very first time.

I sat straight in front of my smartphone.
My heart was pounding...!

I opened the purchase page and closed it,
then opened it and closed it again, over and over.

I was so nervous I wanted to ask myself,
"What kind of challenge am I taking on?" (laughs)

I took a deep breath,
and with slightly trembling fingers, I pressed the purchase button—

Click.

˙˚°☆

There, a world filled with precious thoughts unfolded,
the kind that makes your tension just melt away.

It wasn't just about "buying" or "selling."
It was a time wrapped in a circulation of feelings.

Being able to touch those deep feelings
made me simply happy and filled with joy.

"Thank you so much for letting me receive this."

That feeling welled up inside me.

🌸 Beyond the Note Savings

Note savings to buy the notes I want to read.

Before I knew it, those feelings
were heading toward a much wider world.

Handmade crafts, zines, and books filled with passion.
Fruits and vegetables carefully grown by farmers.
Someone's skills, knowledge, and experience.

Beyond the small smartphone screen,
a world I didn't know is spreading out.

Of course, keeping my life stable comes first.

But even within that, I would be happy if I could
touch someone's feelings little by little,

or bring things born from someone's hands
into my daily life.

If I can keep stacking up days like that,
I think that would be a truly wonderful thing.

⏳ What 3 Months of Time Gave Me

It took about 3 months from the time I started my 'note savings' until I was able to press the purchase button.

What I needed more than money was
the time it took to be able to tell myself, 'It's okay to buy it.'

A story this small,
I wondered if it was embarrassing to turn into an article.

Bringing up the topic of the system
still makes me feel a little scared, to be honest.

Even so, the reason I decided to put it into words
is because I received courage from the many thoughts I encountered here.

And to you, who are touching my thoughts like this right now,
I wanted to send a 'thank you'.

Surely, this time spent carefully putting words together
might also be an important 'way to spend my note savings' for me.

🫧 Small Choices, Gentle Cycles

What kind of choices have you made lately?

Worrying about what others think,
or sometimes having your heart shrink at a casual remark—that happens, doesn't it?

But perhaps the small choices and actions we make every day
are ways of cherishing our own feelings,
or becoming a kindness that connects with someone else's thoughts.

I hope that the many 'thoughts' you encounter from here on out
will be warm ones.

And I hope that your daily choices
are filled with comfort.

Thank you so much
for reading until the end today.

Let's definitely meet again ⸜🌷⸝‍

Ena