Philosophizing the Healthy Parent (5) | What is a parent who engages with trust?

Can I ask you something?

When you get your child to do something,
do you ever use guilt?

"Mommy is working so hard for you,"
"Because of you, this happened."

Have those kinds of words
ever slipped out of your mouth?

When you thought, "I have to make them listen,"
have you ever threatened them, cried,
or played the victim?

For those who grew up in dysfunctional families and became parents,
this is truly common.

The reason is,
because you were "moved by guilt."

Because you were moved that way yourself,
you unknowingly use the same methods.

But realizing it is already a big step forward.

Those who don't realize it will repeat it.
Those who realize it can change it.

🦉 A philosophical question:
What does it mean to "engage with trust"?

Engaging with trust means
not trying to control the other person.

Guilt, emotional manipulation, playing the victim.
Facing them honestly without using those things.

Not treating your child as a "means to make them listen,"
but facing them
as a human being.

In Buddhism,
there is a concept called "Right Speech."

Communicating with correct words.
Not with words that plant guilt,
but with honest, sincere words.

In Confucianism, there is a virtue called "Xin" (trust/sincerity).
Sincerity, consistency.
A parent who engages with trust
makes this "Xin" the foundation of their relationship.

I would like to leave you with a question here.
"Am I currently moving my child
with guilt?"

And,
“What does it mean to me today to engage with trust?”

🦉 A parent who engages with trust was a “parent who can communicate honestly.”

Who is a parent who engages with trust? In a word,

“a parent who can communicate honestly.”

They do not use guilt. They do not manipulate emotions. They do not play the victim.

So, how do you communicate with your child?

⭐ Say, “I felt...”

Instead of “Because of you,” say “I felt sad” or “I was troubled,” using yourself as the subject.

⭐ Explain the reason.

Instead of “It’s bad because I said so,” explain “why it is bad” in words the child can understand.

⭐ Trust the child.

Instead of “They won’t move unless I tell them,” engage with the trust that “if I tell them, they will understand.”

⭐ Express your own emotions honestly.

“Mom is sad,” “Mom is angry.” Express your emotions honestly. However, do not use those emotions as a weapon.

You don’t have to do it all. Just choose one thing you can do today.

Psychologically speaking, there is a concept called “assertion.” It means communicating your emotions and opinions honestly without hurting the other person. Engaging with trust is the practice of this assertion.

From a spiritual perspective, words have energy. Words that plant guilt are heavy and have murky energy. Honest and sincere words have pure, warm energy. The energy that reaches the child will change.

From a Buddhist perspective, there is a concept called “compassion.” Engaging honestly without hurting the other person is the practice of compassion. Moving someone through guilt is not compassion.

A parent who engages with trust is one who does not use guilt, communicates honestly, and engages while trusting their child.

🦉 Today, just one “communicate with trust”

🦉 Becoming a parent who engages with trust creates a genuine relationship.

Finally, I want to tell you the one thing I most want to convey.

To you, who have been driven by guilt.

You don't have to use guilt.
Trust is more than enough to get your message across.

Having been raised by a controlling parent, you know in your body
just how much guilt hurts people.

That experience has become a strong motivation
to 'want to engage with my child through trust.'

You don't have to be perfect.
Today, just try changing 'because of you' to
'I felt...' just once.

When you communicate with honest words,
a genuine relationship is born.

Precisely because you have seen a distorted world,
you have come to see the essence of things.

Precisely because you have been driven by guilt,
you know better than anyone how important it is
to engage with trust.

Becoming a parent who engages with trust
builds a genuine relationship.

Today, let's try communicating with trust just once.

Wounds become a map.
Distortion becomes the eyes that see the essence.

And your life,
from today on, will be your own.

Take it slow.
But surely.

Thank you for reading until the end⭐

I write this hoping it will be
a catalyst for someone to look forward.

Together,
let's reclaim our own stories😊