A Season That Is Meaningless, Absurd, and Dear

This is not at all about suicidal ideation or a desire to die; it is a much more casual, not-at-all serious emotion. So, I will add a note that this does not mean my mental state is bad in any way.
When I'm swaying on a train, or walking on a sunny day. Just like when I yawn and think, 'I'm sleepy,' there are times when I think, 'I want to die.' I really think it's the same sensation as a yawn. Therefore, it is not at all serious. If I'm on a train, well, maybe, but even if I yawn while walking outside and think 'I'm sleepy,' I don't think, 'Alright, I'm going to sleep now!' It's the same with that; I don't think, 'Alright, I'm going to die now!' Not at all.

I need to say this many times or it might be misunderstood, so I will write it clearly: my mental state is by no means unstable. On the contrary, I am super healthy and I want to live normally.
Even among people who yawn, there are surely many who have the intention to stay awake. It's the same as that; I want you to think of it as something close to a physiological phenomenon. It's the kind of thing that occurs completely unrelated to my own will. It's different from suicidal ideation. I don't want to die at all. Even if you take just that one moment where I feel like I want to die, I don't actually want to die. But you yawn even when you don't want to sleep. It's the same as that.

But thinking back, this phenomenon happens often in the summer. Summer has many fun moments, but I get incredibly sad the moment I'm suddenly left alone and brought back to reality.
Like the sunlight filtering through the trees into a library, or a rusty vending machine under a blue sky. Or the train ride home after parting ways with friends.
It's like being in a hallway during class, where the class is currently happening and time is moving forward, but you feel like you're the only one whose flow of time has stopped.
In moments like that, I suddenly want to die. In a yawn-like way.

Anyway, about this yawn-like death. The moment I get distracted, I feel lonely, and when I suddenly come to my senses, all that remains in my hands is intense nostalgia and a vague desire for death. Things like that happen often, in the summer.

Summer. Summer and winter are often compared, but when I think about which blue sky—summer's or winter's—seems more 'real,' I think the winter sky seems more real. Though there's no such thing as real or fake.
Personally, I feel like the winter sky is properly covered like a ceiling. Even though 'blue ceiling' has the exact opposite meaning.
Anyway, the winter sky feels like the sky was painted on a ceiling with paint; it feels like the sky exists there as a real object.
On the other hand, the summer sky feels like no matter how much I reach out, I can't reach it.
It feels like the blue is spreading because it's endless and you can't see what's ahead.
Regardless, it gives the impression of being too big and overwhelming. That is truly a blue ceiling.
Rather than there being a sky there, it gives the impression of 'emptiness' or 'void'.
Summer is absurd. A sense of nothingness.
It's not a sky, but rather, I realize there is emptiness here. It's like inserting an extra process of thinking, 'I guess that's what the sky is.'
The logic is a bit subtle, though.
That's what I might think.

While summer has an image of being high-spirited, something lurks in sudden moments.
As I wrote in a previous diary, I really love the lyrics 'Because summer is coming to kill you' from the song 'Friedrich and Early Summer Equilibrium'.
It's the same thing as having your attention drawn to the lights of a convenience store in the middle of the night, while at the same time, your eyes drift toward the eat-in space that has become dark. It's a little different from the textbooks at the back of the shelf or a dust-covered stuffed animal.

I don't really want to die, and I'm not weak enough to be killed by summer. Please, really, don't worry.
On the contrary, I wake up in the morning, go outside, and look at the sky. If my heart still doesn't move even then, I think that might be the end. Maybe.

I feel like I've created something I'm quite satisfied with.
Please take a look if you'd like.