What is "Empty Chair" Self-Coaching to Make Relationships Easier
In this article, I will introduce the "Empty Chair" technique, which I use in coaching and career consulting sessions.
Ideally, it is smoother to have a coach or career consultant ask you the questions, but for those who feel that signing up for professional services is a high hurdle or who are interested in self-coaching, I will explain how to conduct coaching on your own.
What is the Empty Chair?
The Empty Chair is a technique sometimes used in counseling and coaching as a form of psychotherapy called Gestalt therapy.
As the name suggests, you prepare an "empty chair" where no one is sitting, and the work proceeds by actually moving the chair, sitting in it, and talking to it. Besides Empty Chair, it is also sometimes called "chair work."
It can be used for various cases, such as "relationship worries," "wanting to clear up muddled feelings inside yourself," "looking back at your past self," or "imagining your future self."
This time, I will focus on "relationship worries" and explain how to proceed with the Empty Chair.
Wanting to clear up a relationship with a specific person
Suppose you have a desire to clear up a relationship with a specific person in your life. Whether it is a partner, parent, child, boss, subordinate, or friend, if you have someone where you think, "I wish my relationship with this person were a little better," or someone who makes your emotions feel turbulent and uneasy every time you think about them, such as thinking, "I want them to change" or "What they said is wrong," you start the work by imagining that person.
Preparation for starting the Empty Chair
Here, I will explain the steps to start self-coaching using the Empty Chair.
1. Prepare a private room (an environment where you can face yourself)
Prepare a space where you can talk to yourself without worrying about others' eyes.
2. Prepare at least two chairs
Since we are imagining one specific person this time, prepare two chairs. If there are two or more people involved, it is good to have a chair for each person. If chairs are difficult, cushions or similar items are also fine.
3. Arrange the chairs
First, place the chair you will sit in. Just go with your gut and place one chair in the spot you think is most appropriate. Next, place the chair for the person you are imagining.
While looking at the distance and orientation relative to your chair placed earlier, arrange them in a spot that feels right for the current relationship between the two of you.Facing directly, facing diagonally, one facing outward, both facing away from each other, etc.—you can fine-tune the subtle distance and orientation while actually sitting in the two chairs.
Starting the work
4. Face the other person's chair and say what you want to convey
Face the chair where you imagine the other person is sitting and say what you want to convey to them. I use the soft expression "convey," but in reality, might there not be emotions closer to "saying what you want to say," "venting," or "lashing out"? In that case, by all means,
try saying what you want to say. Try venting or lashing out. Viewed objectively, the situation of talking to an empty chair where no one is sitting might look comical. However, this is your own space. Please try to convey it as if the other person is actually there. (How does it feel to convey it? Let's also savor your own emotions when you actually say what you want to say out loud.)
5. Sit in the other person's chair and savor the words from yourself
Next, sit in the other person's chair and listen to the words you conveyed. In reality, you move to the other person's chair after speaking, so you are not listening to those words in real-time, but please try to feel the words you just conveyed as if you were the other person, fully embodying them.
6. Convey what you want to say from the other person's perspective
Now it is the reverse turn. While still embodying the other person, face the chair where you were sitting and try to convey what you felt. If the words do not come out immediately, go back to your original chair and say what you want to say to the other person again.
7. Have a conversation while going back and forth between the other person's chair and your own
Try repeating the interaction as if the other person and you were talking there.
"That was actually how I felt," "I didn't mean it that way," "I don't like that way of speaking," "I don't want to answer when you talk down to me," "I want you to stop talking about that," and other various emotions might come out along with words you don't want to hear. However, feelings you hadn't noticed yourself might emerge, or you might have new realizations, leading to a different sensation than before.
Ending the work
How to end is up to you.
・You felt refreshed because you were able to say what you wanted to say
・You were able to have a slightly different feeling than before
If you have become a little clearer than before the work, you can end it there as well, and if you feel "it's painful to continue any further" or "I can't get into the right mindset," it is also fine to STOP.
8. Switching to Daily Life Mode
As the Empty Chair process progresses, you may touch upon emotions deep within your heart that you do not usually encounter. After the exercise, take a deep breath or do some light stretching to switch modes and return to your daily life.
* If you find it difficult to return to your daily life mode after the exercise, or if you continue to feel down, we recommend that you seek support, such as by consulting a counselor.
While this explanation focuses on an exercise involving a specific person, it is also possible to proceed with the Empty Chair technique by imagining your past self, future self, or current self.
I have provided an audio explanation for nuances that cannot be fully conveyed in text. If you would like to try practicing self-coaching, please refer to the audio below.