I now realize that I truly love my mother, whom I used to find difficult 💛

My mother is now 87 years old.

It has been three years since she sent my beloved father to heaven.

My parents-in-law also passed away two years ago, so out of all four parents, only my mother is still alive.

My mother's way of life

My mother was a teacher and someone who gave her all to her work.

She valued her students and their parents, so she was well-liked by both.

I think she was a wonderful person who was respected by those around her.

In fact, her drive and ability were outstanding.

Her contributions to others are also worthy of respect.

I wrote the note below about how my own life began under the influence of my mother's life.
If you read it, you will understand my mother's way of life.

I found my mother difficult

However, I didn't really like my mother. Or rather, I found her difficult.

I didn't feel like I was loved by my mother.
She would devote herself to others, but I never felt that I was loved.

I thought that because my mother was busy with work, she was basically indifferent to me.

Perhaps it couldn't be helped given her profession as a teacher, but she never attended any of my school events.

When I was in elementary school, I was a latchkey kid, and I made my own bento lunches.
(I wrote about that in a previous note as well.)

However, whenever something bothered my mother, she would treat me with an attitude of if you do as I say, you will be happy too,what I say is right.

I hated that.

Even after I got married and was raising my own children, I was always just my mother's child.

That is why I did not want to become a mother like her.

I wanted to be a mother who valued her family more than her work.

But I, too, ended up being a working mother just like her.
And it was because of her influence that I pursued a career in welfare, childcare, and education.

Raising children while working, there were many times when I couldn't give them the attention I wanted to, and times when I couldn't be there for them emotionally.
I intended to value my children's individuality, but there were times when I tried to impose my own thoughts on them...

I can now understand that my mother might have been the same way.

No, perhaps it was even more painful in the past, when working conditions were even worse than they are now.

My mother lately

My mother has aged, too. She is 87.
She can't walk as briskly as she used to, and her eyesight has become poor.
She can't drive a car, and she can't push herself.

Even so, so as not to be a burden to me, my mother goes for a walk every day, does exercises, and works hard at brain training.

When I am working in the garden or the fields,
she tears up and says, "It's like being in heaven; your father would be happy, too."

When I am late coming home due to work or personal errands,
she says things like, "You're late. I felt like a child waiting for their mother to come home," or

"If you were to collapse now, I couldn't go on living,"
"I rely on you,"
and every day, she calls me before she goes to sleep

to say, "Thank you for today, and thank you for everything."

And
"I'm sorry that when I was raising you, I was so preoccupied with my own life that I couldn't give you enough attention."

"I'm sorry I was always just giving you instructions."

And she also says this:
"I'm so happy that you grew up to be such a good person even without me giving you much attention."

"You are doing a wonderful job raising your own children."

"A happy marriage is the most important thing. I am truly happy to see you both looking so happy."

Through my mother's words, I can feel her true feelings.

After all, seeing my mother lately, I think that love is not just something you keep in your heart, but that it is also important to convey it to the other person.

Respecting another person's personality does not mean just saying nothing; it is important to convey it as my own thoughts.

I, too, if I have something I want to convey to the people I love, will continue to convey it as my own thoughts, never as an imposition.

I am loved.

I've been thinking lately.

My mother loved me in her own way.

The words, "You will be happy if you just do as I say," also come from her wishing for my happiness.

She must have been thinking about my happiness as hard as she could in her own way.

It has been exactly one year since I retired.

I am really glad I retired, including for the sake of my relationship with my mother.

My mother is also happy that I retired.

I think that is not just because she wants to rely on me, but also because she is happy that we have more time to spend together.

And, even though I used to struggle with my mother so much, I have now come to realize that I loved her too, by feeling that 'I was loved' and 'I am still loved'.

How much longer will my mother be alive?

I am worried about whether I could bear losing her now.

That is why I want to spend the time we have left living peacefully and with a smile.

I want to see my mother smile a lot, and I want to have many conversations with her💛

I realize now that I love my mother from the bottom of my heart, even though I used to struggle with her💛

#Mother
#Mother's way of life
#My way of life
#Love
#Smile
#note
#Daily note post
#Continuous note posting
#Parenting