My Thoughts on My Eldest Son💛【Project Participation】

At his age, my eldest son might generally be expected to be working hard, married, and have children of his own.
However, my eldest son's life is not something that can be easily described...

Today, I would like to open my heart and write about my feelings for my eldest son.

I have written about my eldest son on note once before.

There is a sentence like this in the article above.

Since then, S is still chasing his dreams, living alone in Tokyo while experiencing repeated setbacks.

My eldest son, who continues to live in the present while experiencing setbacks, yet still wanting to 'be himself'.

Watching him, how many times have I struggled as a parent...
And how much have I been taught by him...

My eldest son until university entrance

If anything, my eldest son is timid and, above all, kind.

He has always been nonchalant, but he has had the ability to get things done when it counts since he was small. (Refer to the article above!)

After reaching the upper grades of elementary school, he participated in the 'Mt. Hakuba Traverse' organized by the after-school care program, and also experienced things like 'sleeping in a sleeping bag at the train station'.

The after-school care instructor used to say,

'S can sleep anywhere, he makes people laugh, and he's a good guy.'

From the upper grades of elementary school, he was in a local kendo club, then the kendo club in junior high, and the karate club in high school, so he actually had a 'tough' side to him.

He earned a first-degree black belt in kendo and a black belt in karate...

During high school, he met many friends and best friends, and although he didn't study (lol),
I think it was a good time for him.

During his adolescence, there were times when he wouldn't speak to me and hated having his picture taken.

Even so, he always treated his grandparents (my parents and parents-in-law) with a smile.

He was just an ordinary high school boy.

My eldest son's setbacks (from university entrance)

Despite entering his desired university, at first, having come to Tokyo from the countryside, he couldn't find his place or make friends, and ended up stopping going to university,

He became obsessed with the place where he found his own niche (a music circle), didn't attend classes, and spent all his time working part-time jobs; he repeated this lifestyle, couldn't graduate in four years, and ended up staying back for a year and a half.

The second year of repeating a grade was because he couldn't get just one credit...

I think my eldest son's frustration at that time was immense.

Since that class was in the second semester, he took a leave of absence during the first semester and lived a life of working part-time jobs to earn his tuition.

And then,his dream was 'a job composing music, a job in the music industry'.

For that reason, after his graduation was confirmed, he bowed his head and asked if he could enroll in a 'music vocational school' for two years.

When he came to tell me his wish, he brought '500,000 yen' he had earned from part-time jobs and said, 'I want you to let me take on this challenge.' (His part-time jobs were providing music and working at a 'fish market'.)

I had always supported my eldest son's dream.
I thought that if we (my husband and I) didn't approve of that challenge, it wouldn't mean we were 'truly supporting him,' so I accepted his wish.

Looking back, when he was deciding on a university, my eldest son had said he wanted to go to a 'music vocational school'.
At that time, his school teacher recommended he go to university, and since the university he was accepted to was actually one I had wanted to go to and failed to get into, I recommended he go there, and my eldest son enrolled.
Thinking about it now, I don't think it was a good response as a parent.
Of course, he was happy to enroll, and he met lifelong friends there.
So, my eldest son doesn't deny having gone there even now. In fact, he is even grateful to me for recommending it.

But he hadn't given up on his dream of music.

Then, he studied at the 'vocational school' for two years, was able to accumulate good grades and achievements, and gained experience by interning at his desired company.

However, the one who was hired was a friend from the same 'vocational school' who had gone on the internship with him.
He was also a friend who had enrolled in that vocational school after graduating from a different university.

While attending 'vocational school,' my eldest son was also providing music and releasing CDs.

As a doting parent, I thought, 'That's a good song' (laughs), and secretly used that song at the sports festival of my former workplace.

But, as expected, the music industry is all about ability,

even there, my eldest son faced a major setback.

Even so, he continued job hunting while providing music.

While receiving 'we regret to inform you' emails over and over again...

And finally, he was hired by a company that was not a home run, but a clean hit (as he puts it), and he began working happily, creating music and managing music studios.

However, a few years later, my eldest son had to make another difficult choice here as well.

A proposal to change the company's policy was made, and my eldest son argued, 'For the sake of the future, this should be valued,' but it wasn't accepted, and after much deliberation, he decided to resign.

He became unemployed...

I once suggested that if he had become "unemployed," he might as well return to his parents' home instead of staying in Tokyo.

However, apart from my own anxiety, my eldest son said,

“I’m going to England! Since I’m not working, I can go (laughs)”

and he left for a trip to England with his friends.
Of course, using money he earned himself...

But, because it was a choice he made while valuing his own feelings, this resignation did not seem to be a setback for him.

That experience became a source of strength for my eldest son.

Since returning, he has taken on work at his old studio and worked at a fish market, and now he has been able to find a job that he is satisfied with.

While working at his current job (in the music industry), my eldest son has not given up on his dreams.
While pursuing dreams he can achieve at his workplace, he also seems to be continuing his
composition work as an individual.

He surely understands in his head that it is a "world of merit."

I am sure things will not always be smooth sailing from here on out either.

As long as my eldest son does not give up, I intend to keep supporting him without giving up either.

What I learned from my eldest son and his father

Watching my eldest son, there are things I am being taught.

“The strength not to give up on dreams”

“The strength to stand back up even after a setback”

“The importance of living true to yourself”

And, as a parent, I have been made to grow as well.

My eldest son’s life is his own; it is not my task.
Every life choice is my eldest son’s task.

However, I will remain his supporter until the very end, and if he says he needs me, I intend to support him at any time.

It seems my eldest son has also had his fair share of romances.
So, I believe there are surely others who support him besides me.

There is no need to compete (laughs),
but as a parent, I want to keep watching over him.
I will never step in front of him, but I still want to remain someone he can confide in when he is truly going through a hard time.

A few times in his life, when he was struggling with various worries, my eldest son has called me for long consultations.

What I kept in mind at those times...
That is something my eldest daughter taught me.

While empathizing with his feelings, I do not say, "You should do this" or "Why don't you do that?"

As I listen to his long, long stories, I keep telling him that I am simply supporting him so that my children can decide their own futures for themselves.

My father, at any time, no matter how much anxiety there might have been from a worldly perspective, always kept telling my eldest son,
"I love you."and continued to say it.

And he would always say to me,
"Keiko, you have raised two good children."

He used to say that to me.

I want to inherit that and put it into practice.

Finally,

In my father's article, there is a section where he wrote about his thoughts on his eldest son. My eldest son had a life with "ups and downs" and was rarely recognized by others. Regarding that eldest son, he always said, "I love S-kun, he is a good boy." He also always told his eldest son, "I love you."


He never said, "Do your best," but I cannot thank him enough for how much he encouraged and supported my eldest son...
Thanks to my father, my eldest son has grown up to be kind and gentle, just like my father.

In an article I wrote about my eldest son, I wrote this sentence.

"As a human being, as long as you have kindness, you will surely do what you need to do."

Even now that he is an adult, he continues to grow into a person who is deeply affectionate, kind, and a hard worker who is "reliable when it counts." He has become a person who says, "As a human being, as long as you have kindness, you will surely do what you need to do." (Maybe I'm just a doting parent...)
And even now, he cherishes his younger sister, and they are close siblings where she also loves her older brother.

I wrote about this in the article mentioned above, "My Eldest Son is Mota from 'Mochi Mochi no Ki'."

I think that kindness is influenced by my father's "I love you."

That is why I also want to keep conveying "I love you"❗

I think, "Long live the doting parent!"

Trusting my child, trusting my child's way of life, being at a distance (even if physically apart) where I can firmly reach out when necessary, and continuing to watch over him,

No matter how old he gets, I am his parent, and he is my child.
I intend to have let go of my child, and we have both let go of each other, but

even so, I

"love my eldest son so much~💛"

It takes courage to write about one's feelings for a family member who has experienced setbacks, but I started writing this in the hope that by expressing my honest feelings, I might be able to support someone.

However, while writing, I was able to feel a renewed sense of affection for my eldest son and my family.

I love my family😌💓✨

note is truly wonderful, isn't it~💛

Thank you for reading again today<m(__)m>

【書いた人】
江村恵子＠終活ワーカー／ゆるふわおしゃべり相談所
「恵子」さん、または「ゆるふわ」さん　
と呼んでください(*^-^*) 
保育業界を退職して、
縁あって 
『終活』に関する学びと 
広める活動をしています。
今は、群馬県の 
『終活アドバイザーサークルの代表』を
担っています。 
Noteでは、 
『喜んで豊かに生きる素敵な人生』 
について、 
『終活』（人生の終わりのための準備） 
について、 
また趣味である畑仕事や旅行、
家族のこと・エッセイ 
などを書いています。
今後は、 
終活ワーカー（終活のお手伝いをする人）として、 
「素敵に生きる人生について」
オンライン、オフラインで
「ゆるふわに」お話し会や 座談会、
相談会などを開催予定です。
Twitterもしています。 
Twitterでは、
特に自分で撮った花や自然について 投稿したり、 
同様の投稿をしている人をフォローしたり 
RTしたりしています。 
Noteとも共有で投稿することも多いです 
https://twitter.com/mix8853
よろしくお願いいたします<m(__)m>

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