Three phrases to remember when you hear complaints or bad-mouthing

Yesterday, I received an award from the company for
20 years of service.

Along with the feeling of happiness, I also felt
like I had traveled through time,
thinking, 'That went by in a flash.'

Twenty years is enough time for someone who was once a newcomer
to step up and become
a mid-level employee.

Supporting my superiors while
also training my subordinates.

I hate to say it myself, but...

I truly feel that this is my prime
to give back to the company.

Both work and human relationships
can be swayed by a single word from me.

I consider this a position of great responsibility,
and I am fulfilling my role as a mid-level employee.

However...

There are no problems with the work itself, but
the key issue ishuman relationships.

'That person is not up to scratch,'
'He is no good,'
'That department is naive.'

All sorts of complaints and bad-mouthing like that...

Precisely because I am in a 'mid-level' position,
a relentless stream of harsh words from both superiors and subordinates
comes my way.

I am often consulted about things that make me want to
half-give up, thinking, 'Well, there's nothing I can do about that...'

When I hear such
complaints or bad-mouthing about human relationships,
I remember certain words.

Continuing...

These are the phrases.

The three phrases above are
from Adlerian psychology,
which is discussed in my favorite book,
"The Courage to Be Disliked."

✓ The principle behind
　the birth of complaints or gossip

To explain it simply, Adlerian psychology is
a psychology that advocates
"liberating yourself from the need for approval."

The need for approval is the desire to be recognized
and thought well of by others.

In other words,
Adlerian psychology strongly asserts that
"you should live for your own purpose
　without worrying about what others think."

Returning to the topic.

When you analyze "people who complain or gossip"
from the perspective of Adlerian psychology...

It is a state of escaping from one's own purpose
by worrying about the eyes of "that bad person"
and acting as "poor me."

"That bad person" means...

"I want that bad person to notice me."
"I am troubled by that bad person."
"I want someone to do something about that bad person."

This is the state of appealing to those around you.

And,
"poor me" means...

"Notice poor me"
"Sympathize with poor me"
"Save poor me"

A state of
relying on those around you.

The two points above, "that bad person" and "poor me," are
if you change your perspective,
a state of being bound to
"someone else" other than yourself.

What if there were
only you in the world?

You wouldn't think
"that bad person" or "poor me."
(In the first place, I don't think
you would even have relationship worries...)

Complaints and bad-mouthing are born
precisely because you unconsciously think,
"I want someone else to acknowledge me."

✓ How to
break through the current situation

People who complain or bad-mouth others
are lonely people who crave validation.

And, nothing starts
with just complaints and bad-mouthing.

What is important is, when you face such problems,
to think about how you can move the current situation
in a better direction.

It is exactly
"what I want to do from now on".

If someone complains,
"That person is bad at their job,"
think together about
"why you feel they are bad at their job"
and come up with a solution.

Even if you empathize more than necessary,
in the end, you will only
end up feeling miserable yourself.

What is important is to think about
"what I want to do from now on" to break through the current situation.

Whether or not you can think of this one phrase
will strongly influence your subsequent actions.

In my case,
I do not go near
people who complain or bad-mouth others.

Even if such a person asks you,
"What do you think?"
I keep my response vague,
saying something like, "That might be the case."

This is because I know that if I empathize by saying,
"You're right," it will eventually
become a burden on myself.

In the worst case, you could even become an accomplice,
with them saying, "So-and-so said this..."

If, instead of complaints or bad-mouthing,
they say, "This happened,
and I'm thinking of handling it this way," I reply,
"That sounds good."

I want to actively agree with words
that suggest a future,
like "what I want to do from here on."

* * * * *

In the future, when you encounter someone
who complains or bad-mouths to you,
please remember the three phrases above.

To the person venting complaints or bad-mouthing,
please ask them in your heart,
"In the end, what do you want to do?"
(You don't need to say it directly, of course.)

It is a sad reality, but...
people who complain or bad-mouth
do not think about the future.

Right now, in this very moment,
they are just crying out,
"Please accept these feelings of mine."

That is why, while it is fine to respond,
I don't want you to take it too heavily.

Conversations without a future
do not ultimately benefit either party.

Of course,
you should be careful yourself, too.

If you ever find yourself
about to complain or bad-mouth someone,
please ask yourself,
'That person is bad, poor me.
What do I want to do from here on?'

You will surely
regain your peace of mind
and the path to the future will open up.

Now, what is it that
you want to do from here on?

Well then, until next time.
Goodbye.