Three phrases from Adlerian psychology that I want to review again and again

When it comes to famous self-help books
that have become major bestsellers,
many people would likely mention
The Courage to Be Disliked based on Adlerian psychology.

I also bought it as a favorite book,
and even now, when I stumble over relationship problems,
I open the book and review it.

The method for solving relationship problems
proposed by Adlerian psychology
is the concept of "letting go of the desire for approval."

While reading the book,
I am constantly struck by new realizations...

It truly gives me the feeling
that my way of thinking about life has been turned 180 degrees.

So...

From "The Courage to Be Disliked,"this time,
I would like to introduce some phrases
that I really want everyone to remember.

Specifically!

"That person is bad"
"Poor me"
"What do I want to do in the end?"

are the ones.

What is the meaning behind the birth
of the three phrases above?

I will explain them one by one,
so I hope you will read on.

Well then, let's go♪

✔ The current situation
　will not change at all

"That person is bad"
"Poor me"
"What do I want to do in the end?"

In the sentences above, the first things to focus on are
"That person is bad"
　"Poor me"
—these two phrases.

When you hear these... two phrases,
don't you find them familiar?

If you felt a jolt, you have good intuition.

The two phrases above are things that
cross your mind when you face
problems in human relationships.

Even if the nuances of the words differ,
they generally boil down to
'that bad person' and 'poor me'.

For example...

'Why is it that
　only that guy gets praised?'
'That person's way of thinking is wrong!'
'That person is blind to the truth.'

Acts of intense criticism toward others,
such as these,
are exactly 'that bad person'.

And then, continuing on...

'I am poor me because
　I don't receive proper recognition'
'No one empathizes with me'
'I want them to see me... they won't turn my way'

Shifting the focus from 'that bad person'
to oneself,
one expresses it as 'poor me'.

These two flows are things you
'feel a grudge in a relationship'when you
would surely think of first.

And, though these are painful words to hear...

The words above are also
'words that do not lead to a solution
　and where nothing happens'.

In other words, it's just complaining m(_ _ )m

✔ In short,
　what do you want to do?

Many people struggling with human relationships
loop 'that bad person' = 'poor me'
over and over again.

In my head, I
keep repeating two phrases back and forth,
thinking I am calming myself down.

However...
as long as I am looping those two phrases,
reality will not change.

In fact, it even holds the potential to make things worse.

So, how can you
find a clue to a solution?

It is...

"In the end, what do I want to do?"

This is where the third phrase,
"In the end, what do I want to do?" comes in.

In other words,
if you want to break free from
"That person is bad" = "I am pitiful,"
you should shift your mindset to"Ultimately, what would be the ideal outcome?"
.

Then,
even in the mire of relationship troubles,
you should be able to see a glimmer of light.

✔ Intoxicated by
　your own suffering

Adlerian psychology
teaches that "it is you yourself
　who creates your own unhappiness."

In other words, depending on how you think,
no matter how painful the situation or unhappy the environment,
if you think "you are not unhappy,"then it is saying
"you are not living an unhappy life."

As if stemming from this way of thinking...

People who loop relationship troubles with "That person is bad" and "I am pitiful" are,
to put it bluntly,

"in a state of being intoxicated by their own suffering."

"I am in so much trouble."
"I'm not at fault; it's his fault."

Are there people around you who
express such emotions
and seek empathy?

Perhaps that person is
intoxicated by their own suffering
and is constantly craving validation.

Because they are never acknowledged...

They perform their own suffering
and take action to
attract the attention of those around them.

If you yourself
recognize these ways of thinking,
I would like you to change them immediately.

Your time is limited.

There is no time to be intoxicated by your own suffering.

It would be far more constructive to ask yourself,
"What do I actually want to do?"
and take a step toward the next stage.

* * * * *

This time, I explained three quotes
from the Adlerian psychology book "The Courage to Be Disliked."

When I learned the above words,
"a way to solve relationship problems"I found
a ray of light.

"Why can I never
find the answer to relationship problems?"

That is because it was completed with the first two phrases,
"That person is bad" and "Poor me,"
so I could never find the answer
no matter how much time passed.

In other words, I had stopped thinking
for my own convenience.

What is truly important is,
"In the end, what do I want to do?"

With a boss you don't get along with,
what do you ultimately want to happen?

Will you keep it as a work-only relationship?

Or will you aim for a deeper connection?

No matter which direction you steer toward,
you should be able to encounter a version of yourself
that is moving forward,
rather than repeating the mental loop of "That person is bad = Poor me"
found in the first two phrases.

Where are your relationship worries
getting stuck?

Could it be that
you are intoxicated by your own suffering?

If you want to resolve your relationship issues,
why not try developing your thinking
by asking, "In the end, what do I want to do?"

Until next time.
Goodbye.