My First Bicycle

"Isn't it still a bit too early?"
Even though my husband's words pricked at my guilt, I put the helmet on my 11-month-old son.
The blue child's helmet was still awkwardly large. He looked like a little alien.
I adjusted the chin strap as short as it would go.
The moment I clicked the buckle shut, my son started wailing at the restriction he couldn't remove himself.
Oh, the guilt just kept deepening.

＊

Eight years ago.
I used to take my stroller every day to a parent-child center a 20-minute walk away.
It was my oasis when I was struggling with the loneliness of parenting. If I went there, I could talk to someone.

But the July heat wore me down. I couldn't make it to the oasis.

That was when I decided to install a child seat on my electric bicycle.
Even though I knew it was a little early, since they recommend starting from age one.

＊

My husband and I worked together to seat our crying son in the child seat. It was a front-mounted type attached to the bicycle handlebars.

To make sure he wouldn't jump out, I secured him tightly with the five-point harness.
He wailed even more. With his eyes closed, his face all scrunched up, and his skin bright red, he looked like a little demon.
I know it's cramped, I know you hate it, I'm sorry.
Feeling a sharp pang of guilt, I pushed forward anyway.

＊

I gripped the handlebars. It felt strange having my child sitting in the space between the handlebars and the saddle that used to be empty.
When I pedaled, my knees hit the back of the seat, so I had to pedal with my legs bowed out.
I felt deeply moved, thinking that I would be pedaling like this for years to come.

If I tipped the bike over and he got hurt, it would be entirely my responsibility. I felt anxious and depressed.
But staying cooped up in the room all summer was too hard mentally.
I had to go.

＊

As I took the first step on the pedal, the electric bike gave me a boost.
It was a gentle yet powerful feeling, like someone pushing me from behind.
I love electric bicycles.

I grew up in a hilly new residential area, so they have been an essential partner for getting around since I was in junior high.

This is my second one. When I was 23, I saved up money and bought it myself to use for commuting. I searched everywhere because I wanted a sprout-green bicycle.
The bike I finally chose happened to have "designed to easily attach a child seat to the front" written on it.

I remember vaguely thinking about whether the day would come when I would get married, have a child, and attach a child seat.
I hadn't even met my husband yet, and it didn't feel real at all.

It's funny how life works, that it would come true six years later.

＊

My son, who had been crying like a red demon with his eyes closed, opened his eyes wide the moment we started moving.
His tiny black pupils sparkled.
After one more pedal, he let out a giggle.
He seemed to have forgotten all about the cramped helmet and belt.

I'm so glad.

Please, feel the wind with your whole body and enjoy the world changing rapidly around you.
Savor this moment where the light pours down on everything.
Don't let yourself be trapped by the restrictions.

At that moment, I felt like I had received a blessing.
And I felt like I had passed it on to my child just as it was.

The bicycle, which had moved away with a neighborhood-disturbing roar, immediately made a U-turn and returned to my husband, who was holding the video camera.
With a baby laughing so vibrantly.

A happy record of our family.

＊

From then on, I rode the bike with my son almost every day when the weather was nice.
After our second child was born, I gave the front seat to his younger brother, and my eldest son sat in the newly installed back seat.

Even after moving to an area where it's standard for everyone to have their own car, I, a non-driver, kept pedaling with both children on the bike. Sometimes people laughed at me.

＊

And so, my eldest son became a second grader, and he started having a hard time going to school.
I gave up on him going with the group and started taking him every day.
Since it takes over 30 minutes on foot, I took him by bike.

There was a day my eldest son, resisting, knocked the bike over.
There were days I took him soaked in a downpour.
There were days we went all the way to school but he couldn't enter the classroom, and after much conflict, I put him back on the bike and turned around.

＊

My bicycle life with my eldest son is coming to an end.
Although both children are small, they have definitely outgrown it.
When was the last time the three of us rode together?

With my second son in the back seat, my eldest son pedals his own yellow bicycle, and lately, we've been traveling with two bikes.
Should I have him ride in front of me so I can give instructions where I can see him, or should I have him ride behind me so I can show him the way? I watch my eldest son with a nervous heart, wondering which is safer.

Either way, he has already moved away from me.
I can no longer fully guide or protect him.
I suppose that's what you call growing up. It's lonely, though.

*

And this spring, I will have my own car for the first time.
I will learn to drive all over again at driving school.

While I say high-and-mighty things to my children, when it comes to me trying something new, I am scared to death. It is a familiar sense of anxiety and melancholy.

But I have no choice but to overcome it and take that step forward.
I want to take my children and go further and more freely than I can now.
Until the day comes when our days of moving forward together come to an end.

********

I participated in the project by Ran-san, also known as Mediterranean Climate-san, titled 'Please let me read your "First XX" and "Last XX" notes.'

Because I haven't written any essays for a long time, it turned out a bit awkward.
(I can't remember how I used to combine things with different times and perspectives into one...)

But since it was Ran-san's first project, I absolutely wanted to participate, so I managed to write it. The theme came to mind immediately, and I enjoyed writing it. I'm glad I was able to finish it. (Motivation to write and deadlines are important! I'm grateful!)

Ran-san's notes have a real depth and weight to them, yet they are pleasant to read and stay in my heart forever.
It is truly natural and amazing how you act while wishing for the happiness of those around you.
I can see Ran-san's high level of virtue in your writing, and it warms my heart and helps me realign myself, as I wish to be even a little bit like that.

Thank you so much for everything, always!
I look forward to our continued friendship.