Caregiving Memoir (4) Turning it into a routine
Just a Little Diary Vol. 44
Caregiving for my parents started with my father, when symptoms of dementia began to appear.
It was probably about 8 years ago.
I don't even remember the season.
It started when the care manager in charge visited me, even though I was in a state of being cut off from my parents' home, and told me,
I want you to take care of your father's daily needs.
That was the trigger.
At first, it was just visiting my parents' home for half a day or accompanying him to the hospital, but eventually, I was being called in the middle of the night and ended up staying over.
Unlike now, I only returned to my own home for a few hours in the afternoon. And even that was mostly just a nap.
It's hard to believe that my own electricity bill was 500 yen a month, isn't it? (laughs)
I was a prodigal son.
At first, I even felt a sense of joy that I could "do something for my family" and that "there are things only I can do."
There is also a trend that says doing something for someone else is a wonderful thing,
isn't there?
I am by no means criticizing that.
It's just that as a reality of caregiving,
You can't keep going like that
is all I want to say.
Before long, I too became trapped in a sense of duty calledself-satisfactionwhere I felt "I have to do it myself."
Around that time, the care manager was replaced by a new person.
Their first words were,
"Aren't you trying too hard?"
Honestly, that pierced right through the "me who was trying to look cool."
I suddenly thought, "Oh, it's okay to just go with the flow."
It might have been around that time that I started thinking about things like "things I can do while I'm at it," which I wrote about in the panic episode.
It might be a poor choice of words, but a "me who doesn't think about anything" was starting to sprout.
Even so, there are still many things that must be done.
Before I knew it, I had incorporated them into a routine.
Not doing things because "I have no choice," but making it so that "my body moves" as part of the flow.
That must have been what happened.
I wrote that simply, didn't I?
But that's not bad either.
It feels like blowing away thoughts about my own sense of purpose.
If I worried about things like that, I couldn't handle the days where I don't know how long they will last.
There are also benefits to turning it into a routine.
At least I can erase the daily routine tasks from my mind.
In exchange,I can think about other important things or what lies ahead.
By incorporating my own time, I can get the person being cared for and other family members who don't usually do anything to
recognize that "I am not here during this time."
Even when the weather is bad or I'm not in the mood, I can manage.
To put it bluntly, is it about being able to accept that "it can't be helped"?
I think that is also necessary.
However, when an irregular situation comes up, the subsequent routine
can get blown away.
But there are many things that are fine even if I forget to do them for a day, so
I try not to think "I failed."
(That's still the case even now.)
It's okay for a me who doesn't think about anything to exist.
It's like an escapist behavior of creating a different personality, but
it's one strategy to avoid running away from reality.
I'm sorry I can never write this well.
Well then, until next time.
May good things happen to you all.
It finally starts on Friday, 1/27.
My submission for the White Bear Cup is here
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