86/1095 Get angry properly, protect yourself properly.
Keigo Sakatsume's article made the depths of my gut tremble.
Especially when I read this part, I could clearly see another version of myself inside me doing a victory pose.
“If you feel that your time is being treated lightly, get angry properly. Protect yourself properly. Do not expect someone else to cherish you when you treat yourself lightly. Do not try to solve the problems that befall you by being a 'good person.' Get hurt more. Be more of a fool. Become more of a mess. Do not be a good person. Become a villain. Do not forgive easily. Explode more.”
For the past month or so, I have realized that I have been experiencing the loneliness and regret hidden deep within my anger under the name of 'solitude.'I also realized that I have been taking the blame upon myself by saying 'it is because I am immature,' even though I wanted to blame those around me.
Because I am immature, it is important to change my own consciousness.
The reason I want to blame those around me is because my capacity is small,
it is a test to expand my own capacity.
Yes, I was telling myself that.
Even so, every time something happens in reality or something is said to me, I feel 'that sensation.' That sensation, which is like being forcibly torn apart, having something taken away without permission, or having my boundaries invaded—a sensation similar to humiliation—was exactly
having my time treated lightly
the very feeling itself.
The words 'How dare you treat my time lightly'
spilled out of my mouth, and the refreshing feeling I felt afterward.
The thought 'How dare you make a fool of me'
also continued to overflow.
If the other person is a mirror of myself, it means I am thinking that way about myself, but it is also a fact that I have experienced hurting myself with that vector of interpretation countless times already.
Do not try to solve the problems that befall you by being a 'good person.' Get hurt more. Be more of a fool.
Yes, that is exactly right.
It is I who have been trying to solve things by being a 'good person.'
I have been telling myself in my head that denying my emotions and being calm, quiet, polite, and saying 'Yes' in a gentle manner is the adult way to handle things, that it is the good thing to do, and that it is the correct answer, but it is clear that this is not my true intention.
What I want to say is not included in that at all.
I have not been protecting myself by being a 'good person.'
I have been abandoning myself by being a 'good person.'
I am truly sorry, me.
I am sorry I couldn't protect you, me.
I would start crying uncontrollably whenever I tried to express my opinion at work. I would try hard not to cry because I didn't want to worry those around me or make them go out of their way, but that would have the opposite effect and make me cry even more. Even when people said kind words to me, it was no use. Regardless, whenever I talked to people at the company, tears would overflow endlessly, and I ended up worrying them anyway.
Suddenly, I realized myself that 'this is a bad state to be in.'
I felt that it might be a sign that my heart was starting to become ill.
However, after reading Sakatsume's article, I feel that my heart has started to release energy again because I was able to clearly understand my current state, what I am seeking, and what I need in words.
If you feel you are being treated lightly, get angry properly and protect yourself properly.
That is your responsibility to live your own life.