What does an equal relationship really mean?

I have always wanted to be in an equal relationship.

But I couldn't quite put into words what being equal actually meant.

Does it mean sharing the burden fifty-fifty?
Does it mean a relationship where neither side is chasing the other?
Is it always fifty-fifty?

Even though I had a vague image of it, I wasn't clear on what that state actually looked like within a real relationship.

And before I knew it, I was in a relationship that could hardly be called equal.

I was always the one adjusting.
I was always following the other person's pace.
Before expressing my own opinion, I would think about what the other person would think first.

Even though I knew that wasn't equal, I didn't know what to do about it.

Today, I will write about what I have thought through regarding equal relationships.

Do you ever feel like this?

I feel like I'm always the one adjusting.
It has become natural to follow the other person's pace.
I can't express my own opinions or feelings because I'm afraid it will make things awkward.
The roles of the chaser and the chased are fixed within the relationship.
I want to be equal, but I don't know how to become equal.

If any of this sounds familiar, this article is surely relevant to you.

An equal relationship does not mean that the power dynamic is fifty-fifty.
It points to something else entirely.

Equality means that feelings and opinions are treated equally

I believe an equal relationship is one where each other's feelings and opinions are treated with equal weight.

It is not about splitting costs in half, nor is it about matching the number of messages sent.

It means that what I feel is valued just as much as what you feel.
It means that my opinion is treated the same way as your opinion.

I think that is the essence of equality.

Conversely, in an unequal relationship, one person's feelings or opinions are treated as less important than the other's.

Your anxiety is exaggerated.
It's strange to worry about things like that.
I am the one who is right.

In a relationship where this continues, one person's feelings are always placed below the other's.

If that continues, you will lose confidence in your own senses.

1. Are the roles of the chaser and the chased fixed?

What often happens in unequal relationships is that the roles of the chaser and the chased become fixed.

You are always the one initiating contact.
You are always the one proposing to meet.
You are always accommodating the other person's schedule.

This in itself does not immediately mean the relationship is unequal.

Even if one person initiates contact more than the other, if both are satisfied with that, it can be considered equal.

The problem is when one of you feels distressed because these roles are fixed.

You keep going while thinking it is always just you, but you cannot say anything.
Accommodating the other person's pace has become a source of dissatisfaction.

If that distress exists, it is a sign that there is something unequal in the relationship.

2. See what happens when opinions differ

Whether a relationship is equal or not becomes clearly apparent when opinions differ.

What happens when your opinions differ?

You can both express your opinions and discuss them.
One person always backs down.
One person's opinion always prevails.
The atmosphere turns sour when you express an opinion.

In an equal relationship, when opinions differ, both perspectives are put on the table.

Even if the conclusion leans toward one person's opinion, both perspectives are addressed during the process.

In an unequal relationship, there is an atmosphere as if it is already decided from the start that one person's opinion will prevail.

If you back down before expressing your opinion because you think the other person might get angry, there might be something unequal in that relationship.

3. Is the weight of emotions treated equally?

In an equal relationship, the weight of each other's emotions is treated the same.

When the other person is anxious, you face it properly. When you are anxious, they face it with you in the same way.

When the other person is hurt, you care about them.
When you are hurt, they care about you in the same way.

When this is broken, the relationship is no longer equal.

You react sensitively to the other person's emotions, but your own emotions are called exaggerated.
You try to resolve the other person's dissatisfaction immediately, but your own dissatisfaction is put on the back burner.

When the weight of emotions is not treated equally, one of the people in the relationship becomes exhausted.

4. Who feels like they are "putting up with things"?

When checking whether a relationship is equal, try asking yourself this.

In this relationship, who is the one putting up with things?

A relationship where both people sometimes put up with things is completely different from a relationship where the same person is always the one putting up with things.

If you feel like you are always the only one putting up with things, there may be an imbalance in the relationship.

However, there is something I want you to be careful about here.

The other person might also be putting up with things.
They might just not be showing it.

Therefore, instead of just comparing the amount of sacrifice, look at whether it is a relationship where you can communicate that you are putting up with things.

A relationship where both people can talk about what they are putting up with is close to equal.
A relationship where only one side carries the burden of sacrifice and continues without being able to say anything is far from equal.

5. Equality is not something that exists from the start

I believe that an equal relationship is not something that is that way from the beginning.

It is something you build little by little while continuing the relationship.

Express your opinions little by little.
Convey what you feel little by little.
When you are putting up with too much, put it into words little by little.

In that process, the shape of the relationship is determined while observing how the other person receives it.

There is no need to be perfectly equal from the start.

However, I think it is important whether both parties have the will to strive for equality.

If only one side is trying to be equal and the other does not think it is necessary, the relationship will not easily change.

6. What is necessary to remain equal

There are things you can do on your own to maintain an equal relationship.

Do not swallow your feelings too much. Do not back down too much when you disagree. When you have pent-up frustration, do not keep it to yourself.

However, this is not about trying to win against the other person.

It is about placing your own feelings and opinions into the relationship.

When you place them there, how does the other person treat them?

Do they try to value them? Are they treated lightly?

I think observing that is the way to know whether this relationship can move toward equality.

The reason I could not be equal

The reason I could not be equal was that I prioritized continuing the relationship over being equal.

It was easier to go along with things than to speak my opinion and make the atmosphere bad. It was more reassuring to stay as things were than to express my frustration and change the relationship.

While I was in an unequal relationship, I tried not to see that imbalance.

But the more I kept going along with things, the more I felt like I was becoming smaller and smaller.

Not speaking my opinion became natural, not conveying what I felt became normal, and before I knew it, I didn't even know what I was feeling anymore.

I realized later that getting used to not being equal was the scariest thing of all.

An equal relationship becomes a foundation for security

When you are in an equal relationship, the sense of security in a romantic relationship is completely different.

The security of knowing it is okay to speak your opinion. The security of knowing that if you convey what you feel, it will be received. The security of knowing you do not have to endure too much.

That sense of security leads to being able to be yourself.

Building an equal relationship is not about winning against the other person, nor is it about constantly asserting yourself.

It is about creating a space where each other's feelings and opinions are treated with equal weight.

I believe that is the essential foundation for not losing yourself in a romantic relationship.

Next, I would like to write about "those who always end up being the one who compromises in a relationship."

Following up on the topic of equality, this will be about what is actually happening when you find yourself being the one who compromises.

I would be happy if you came back to read it.