A Night When I Thought Maybe It's Okay Just Like This

To be honest,
lately, I don't really feel the urge to 'do my best'.

The feeling that I have to do something,
or that I have to grow more,
I feel like I've left those feelings somewhere behind.

What remains instead is
just the sense of wanting to spend the day quietly.
No desires, no dreams,
and yet, I am still breathing just fine.

Just with that,
the days where I think it's enough have increased.

After I quit my job,
the first few months were filled with nothing but anxiety.

'I have to do something'
'I have to find what's next'

But my body wouldn't listen to me.
My feelings were empty too,
and no matter what I thought about, nothing felt right.

I couldn't settle down at home,
and when I went outside, I was afraid of people's eyes.

'Maybe I'm someone who has fallen out of society'
That's how I was thinking.

One night,
while eating a rice ball I bought at a convenience store,
I was sitting on a bench outside.

The shadow I saw under the streetlamp
was smaller than I thought,
and for some reason, I laughed.

At that moment, I suddenly thought,
'Maybe it's okay not to be someone impressive.'

Rather than the feeling of 'I have to be proper',
the fact that 'I am living properly right now'
is much more important.

I feel like I've been doing my best
because I wanted to be recognized by someone.

Working properly,
getting proper results,
and smiling properly.

But back then, even though I was 'proper',
I wasn't 'happy'.

I think the smile I had back then
was just a defense mechanism.

In truth,
I wanted someone to tell me, 'You don't have to try so hard anymore.'

It's different now.
I no longer think that choosing a day to not try hard
is a sin.

I realized that the quiet time I don't show anyone
is necessary to bring myself back.

The people I pass while walking at night,
must also be walking while carrying their own loneliness.

Perhaps "living"
isn't about trying your best,
but rather about "not giving up."

When I got home,
the moment I turned on the light,
my small room looked like a place where I could feel a little at ease.

No one was watching, but
I said to myself,
"You lived through today, too."

For some reason, my heart felt a little lighter.

Surely,
life has its "times of rising" and "times of stopping."
But stopping is not losing.

You can just stop,
and then start moving again a little later.

You don't have to rush.
You don't have to be perfect.
Just living in this moment right now is enough.

🕊️Afterword

I want to live with kindness for myself,
rather than strength meant for others to see.

When I stopped trying so hard,
the scenery I saw changed a little.

"Maybe it's okay just as it is."
I hope the nights I can think that way
will gradually increase.