Connection over Skill

Brainwashed by meritocracy, I was convinced that even my hobbies had to be perfect.

Perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, comparing myself to professionals, focusing on outcomes and results, and the desire for monetization.

I had misinterpreted things that were originally simple, making it impossible to enjoy anything at all.

This note is the same. So is standFM. I want to improve my writing skills. I want to speak well. The more I do it, the more I notice my own immaturity, knowing I can never compare to the pros.

If I don't get better, it won't reach anyone. It won't be conveyed. It's meaningless.

Before I knew it, the note that was supposed to be a hobby became a penance. I couldn't read books on writing skills anymore because I felt the gap in levels too acutely. I abandoned books on writing and communication techniques halfway through, and stopped at 80 out of 100 writing tips.

I didn't even realize it myself. I didn't think I wasn't enjoying it, nor did I realize my thinking was skewed.

I just truly believed that if I didn't get better, it was meaningless.

I was just convinced of that. I got fed up and quit things like bridge, bass, and copying sutras that I had continued for over a year because I felt I wasn't improving at all (which wasn't actually true).

In reality, I had improved quite a bit in my own way, but I despaired and quit after comparing myself to the influencers in the videos I used as examples.

Since I was using top professional videos as references, there was no point in comparing myself, but I thought, 'I can't be like them.' Well, of course not.

I couldn't accept the obvious.

An era overflowing with information.

If you pursue only skills and proficiency, you will always find someone better. Before I knew it, even the things I was good at started to look like garbage.

What am I doing? This?

A swamp of self-denial. But, since I have a strong mentality, I just keep going, thinking I'll break through my limits with effort. The wall becomes even clearer. A loop of despair.

The more I did it, the less fun it became.

Letting go of attachment.

Recently, due to various things, I realized that what I thought was my passion was actually attachment, and that my 'likes' were actually desires.

I've come to think that wanting to get better is also a manifestation of a desire for self-approval—wanting to be seen well and wanting to be told I'm amazing.

As I dig deeper into my inner self, where does this desire to get better come from?

I thought that the better I was, the more friends I would make. No, I thought that if I wasn't good, I couldn't make any friends at all.

I realized that what I was looking for was connection, not skill.

Connection is stronger than skill

It's a hobby, not a competition or a job.
Rather than pursuing skill, it was enough just to have someone to say,
"It's fun doing this together."

And, having friends makes it possible to keep going.

I had forgotten what I should have known from my school club activities and hobbies.

Connection over skill

It took me 48 years
to understand such a simple thing.

That said, this is the fastest way.
Things are going to be fun starting today.

Thank you very much.