Before I knew it, I was pushing myself too hard — Are you unknowingly trapped by your own efforts? —

Hello, I'm Miyu🌿

I work full-time remotely as a company employee while raising two children. I write about the things I've gradually put in order while navigating days where I tend to overthink.

In the past, I was pushing myself too hard without even realizing it.

I could only feel my own worth by "doing everything" I had decided to do.

I felt anxious if I wasn't that version of myself.
To hide my desire to be recognized, I kept pushing myself forward.

I believed that was "working hard."
But in reality, I think I was just keeping myself trapped.

Today, I will write about my experience of realizing that I was pushing myself too hard.

Days when I thought that was "normal"

Before I knew it, the day was over.

When I was living days like that, people around me would often say, "Aren't you taking on too much by yourself?"

Unexpected pickups due to a child's sudden fever happen.
Such things happen often in daily life.
Especially when the children are small.

I would adjust my work and go pick up my child.
On days when I had meetings, I even wished, "I hope nothing happens."

Every time, thinking about how I was inconveniencing others, I felt unsettled and anxious.
On such days, I would feel down all day long.

I handled most of the sudden responses for my children by myself.

Even so, I thought this life was "normal."
In fact, I was convinced that "I have to do at least this much."

Signs that were already appearing

Words that kept flowing through my mind.

"I must..."

I was trying to do everything perfectly without resting.

I felt intense fatigue in my body
I couldn't control my appetite
My emotions were unstable, and I felt restless with lethargy, anxiety, and irritation...

Even so, I was convinced that "I can still do it."
Even though I really had no room left, I pretended not to notice.

Even though I knew I would feel better if I just lay down for a bit, I would push myself by saying, "After I finish this."

Once one task was finished, the next "thing to do" would pop up.
I looked for reasons to keep moving rather than reasons to rest.

I continued living that life while carrying this state.

"It's painful, so I have to change it."
Even while thinking that, I couldn't change it.

Packing too much in, and thinking "I must"—that was "the norm."
Because of that feeling, I was convinced that I couldn't stop.

The limits my body taught me

Even when someone told me, "Something is wrong," I didn't doubt it at all.
It even felt like it was happening to someone else.

"If I don't do it, no one else will change things."

Since there is work to be done, it is "natural" to do it.

"Since no one else will do it, I will."

I believed that this way of thinking was "correct."
In truth, I was trapped by that very mindset without even realizing it.

As a result of continuing that life, I reached my limit.
Finally, my fatigue reached its peak.

I became underweight like never before and went to the hospital.
The doctor ordered me to take a leave of absence from work.

My body stopped moving.
Days went by where I couldn't move as I wanted.
Yet, I couldn't ask for help.

Somewhere inside, I thought, "If I rely on others here, it's all over."
But, "If I keep going like this, I won't be able to come back."

At that moment, I finally began to realize, "Maybe something is wrong."

The choice to give up

What I did from there.
That was,"giving up."

• Stop doing everything.

• Stop trying to do things perfectly.

• Stop trying to be the "me who does things properly."

Once I reached this point, whether I forced myself to continue or stopped, it was the same.
If so, I might as well stop.

• "I didn't wake up early and clean today."

• "I didn't do anything during the day today."

• "I didn't make dinner tonight."

Days where I 'didn't have anything to do' continued like that.

Then, little by little, I began to realize something within that.

If I can't do it, I can't do it.
Therefore, there is no need to force myself to do it.

When I let go, things started to change

As I let go of things, I started to feel a little more at ease.

I began to put down, one by one, the things I had been carrying on my back all this time.

“You don't have to do everything.”

When I was able to think that way, both my body and mind felt lighter.

• Time spent just zoning out

• Time spent taking a walk

At first, I even incorporated these things as 'tasks' to do.

But halfway through, I started doing them naturally, seeking the comfort they brought.

“It's okay to have time where you do nothing.”
“It's okay to have time where you don't produce anything.”

I was finally able to think, 'It's enough just to be here.'

To avoid pushing yourself too hard

• Things someone told you.

• Things that were somehow ingrained in you by society.

You might have just believed those things were 'correct' as they were.

But it was 'you yourself' who kept choosing them.

Things you suppress will always come back as a reaction someday.

That is why what is necessary is not to force yourself to work hard.
It is to stop for a moment and re-evaluate.

Turn your eyes toward yourself and try asking questions.

・Is that really necessary to do right now?
・What is the reason I think I 'have to' do it?
・Is it really impossible to take a break at this moment?

Try taking even just five minutes to do nothing.
Even just that will lead to gradual changes.

Everyone pushes themselves too hard without realizing it at times.

If you feel like this might apply to you even a little bit right now, that is a sign.

Even just a little bit is fine.
Why not try to make some time to relax yourself?

*To those who read this*

Thank you so much for reading until the end.

The background of this text comes from my experience during a time when "living itself was painful."

I have compiled the lessons I learned through that experience in my
latest work: "7 Steps to Freedom from a Sense of Lack — Building Gentle Habits —"

Also, in the past, there was a time when eating itself became a burden, and I could only maintain myself by reducing it.

I wrote about that starting point in
"Living by Reducing — A Record of My Struggle with Eating —"

And following that,
"The Choice to Get Used to Eating Less: — Getting Closer to the Person You Want to Be by Getting Used to It —"

None of these are books meant to provide answers. However, I hope they are books that can help those who are in similar pain feel that they are

"not alone."

I would be happy if you could read them if you'd like.🕊️