On nights when I don't get a reply, I feel like my own value is dropping.
When I turn off the lights in my room, suddenly the only thing I can hear is the sound of my own heart. The darkness of the ceiling and the faint glow of my smartphone are all there is. On the screen, the chat room remains without a reply from you.
Ah, I know this is going to be one of those rough nights.
I keep telling myself, 'I'm not waiting for you,' but I can't seem to close the screen. I really want to break this habit.
Because, you know, I'm actually pretty okay during the day.
I have work and plans, and my mind is occupied.
But why do I feel so down at night?
Only at night does my heart become so quiet that I start re-evaluating my own worth. Without anyone asking me to, I start grading myself. It's stupid, really.
At first, it's just normal worry, like 'Did they fall asleep?' or 'Are they busy?' But after 10, 20, 30 minutes pass,
the direction of my thoughts starts to change.
'Am I not worth replying to?'
'Did I misunderstand that you wanted me?'
It spirals in that direction.
The scary thing about anxiety is that it doesn't make you doubt the person you like; it makes you doubt your own worth.
I know it's stupid, I really do.
I like you so much that
I've even entrusted my own self-worth to you.
That's what you call dependency, right?
I know, I don't need to be told that.
But the fact that I can't stop is what's most troublesome.
And, to make things complicated,
this is where the delusion time begins.
'Who are you with right now?'
'Are you laughing and having a good time?'
'...Or wait, have you actually lost interest in me?'
'I see, that's why there's no reply, right?'
No, no, no, calm down, me.
You're just sleeping.
...But are you really?
Even as I tell myself that's not it,
since I have no way to verify whether it's true or not,
my imagination just keeps running wild.
Ria, you're really a pain at times like this.
But this is just 'who I am,' right?
It can't be helped, it's just how I'm built.
And, to make things complicated,
this is where the delusion time begins.
'Who are you with right now?'
'Are you laughing and having a good time?'
'...Or wait, have you actually lost interest in me?'
'I see, that's why there's no reply, right?'
No, no, no, calm down, me.
You're just sleeping.
...But are you really?
Even as I tell myself that's not it,
since I have no way to verify whether it's true or not,
my imagination just keeps running wild.
Ria, you're really a pain at times like this.
But this is just 'who I am,' right?
It can't be helped, it's just how I'm built.
After my imagination has run completely wild for a while,
I suddenly become calm.
'No, I'm sorry.
Everything was just me spiraling on my own.'
I don't mean to blame you.
Really, I don't.
It's just that I expect things on my own,
get hurt on my own, and fall apart on my own.
I hate to admit it,
but at night, I lose sight of my own value so easily.
Things I can laugh off during the day,
at night, I connect them all to my own failures.
I wonder why there's such a difference.
Even though I'm the same person.
But even though I'm this complicated,
in the end, everything changes with just one word from you.
'Sorry, I was asleep.'
With just these six characters, the feelings that had me on the verge of tears melt away like a lie.
Do you think people are stupid?
Yeah, Ria thinks so too.
I really do.
But that's what love is, right?
It can't be just anyone.
It has to be you, or it's meaningless.
People say 'dependency' so lightly,
but rather than dependency, it's a choice.
I am choosing you.
I'm falling for you.
I'm drowning in you.
It's really crazy, isn't it?
There are nights when just getting a reply saves me.
That might be a bit dangerous,
but I want to believe it's not a bad thing.
Because love is something that
can easily swing between
'about to break' and 'about to be saved'.
Hey,
even if it's just occasionally,
I want you to reassure me.
So I don't fall apart the next night.