A Spear in the Mire of Jealousy

I want to write better. What kind of words pierce someone's heart? Why is that person praised while I am no good? Creation is a swamp. The moment you step into it, it's exciting. But just an inch ahead, is it heaven? Or is it...

It is not others who hold everything. It is your own heart. However, if there is a path you are aiming for, being noticed or receiving evaluation and being chosen is the shortcut.

Having worked in the sea of the internet for many years, I have witnessed many times the process of whether an article goes viral, whether it gets read, and how that leads to 'connecting to work' or 'having something you want to sell'.

But aiming for that path is painful. Unlike self-evaluation, the hearts of others depend on the other person. The more you expect, the darker and deeper the mire becomes. If the slope ahead of the path is just a sharp curve, that's still fine. But you can't see far ahead at all. Sometimes you get grabbed suddenly, but only at such times are you not 'mentally prepared,' and you end up running around in confusion. Furthermore, when you are pulled out on that path, there exist countless strangers' senses of justice. Each sense of justice has a different shape and color, like colorful konpeito candy. The more the star shines, the more it is pierced by spears again and again.

I want to avoid troublesome things, and if possible, I don't want to stand out. Nevertheless, when I started as a writer, I dared to apply to many 'media outlets likely to be featured on Yahoo! Comments' and repeatedly got rejected. It must have been around the time I applied to 100 places. I started to get hired little by little. I was happy.

Since then, I have written countless articles. Through the articles I shared, I also received many scout offers. I also read many Yahoo! Comments on my articles. If even one out of 100 praised me, it was a world of 'Oh.' I wiped away my tears in secret, while applying first aid with bandages to my wounds. Even so, I continue to write intently. Because that is my job.

Do I regret that era? The answer is 'no.' In fact, if it weren't for those days, I wouldn't have been approached by major companies, and I wouldn't have been able to continue my work as a writer. I surely would have faded away while still smoldering by now.

While trembling, prepared to stand out, at that time. It was good to become dust. The ash that has burned out will return to the earth anyway. From there, it stretches out buds and leaves behind many fruits again. That is why I regenerate many times. Like Tomie, who keeps multiplying.

That said, I have seen several cases where 'if you make the world your enemy, you cannot return,' so I would like to maintain a certain K-point and order.

I have also met several famous people through work or other connections. What I learned there is that they make extraordinary efforts to be 'chosen by people.' However, they do not try to show that on the surface, and they lightly scatter smiles. I felt that is why people gather and support them.

If asked if I can become like that, honestly, I can only answer 'I don't know.' Perhaps I won't aim for it anymore. The reason is that I have been a writer for 8 years before I knew it. Humans are scary things; they change easily. When things stabilize, jealousy fades. I know that complacency is forbidden, but I feel frustrated with myself for not being able to feel genuinely regretful even if the results are bad.

Then, people who use the flames of jealousy as fuel start to look dazzling. Isn't what I lack the ability to follow my passion and scorch my heart? The more you scorch your thoughts, the more things don't go as planned. I hold my head and worry. It's scary, but it's very precious. Because only those who have worried through it and taken action can come up with an answer that pierces the heart.

So, what should I do to become like that? It is to soak in the swamp of jealousy. The moment I realized that, I finally became jealous. The moment I, who couldn't be jealous, became jealous of those who turn jealousy into energy. I will turn this feeling into energy. Absolutely. I decided that.

To remember the passion of those days, return to the origin. It is important to remember your beginner's spirit. There was someone who gave 'feedback on my note' that reminded such a lost lamb of those days once again. That is Shogo Ueda.

From Ueda-san, I received the feedback that 'I was reminded again that creation is essentially an act to entertain oneself.' I didn't have that perspective, so the moment I received the feedback, my eyes went wide. It is a miracle that a work gains a different face by receiving feedback. Because my own work, which I thought was one-sided, looks like a polyhedron.

The distorted raw stone that I was writing by myself is polished more and more as I get opinions from various people, and it shines like a jewel. In that sense, it might be important for a 'work' to be exposed to people's eyes without fear.

Receiving feedback is also a swamp of creation and social media. There are things that make you cry with joy, and it is not rare to encounter feedback that is like a spear. It is sad, but you never get used to being pierced by a spear no matter how many times it happens. But the more you are pierced, the more you understand people's pain and become able to empathize.

Well, life is short. It's better not to be pierced by a spear. But if you happen to get pierced, you should just accept it positively and pull it out.

Huh? You're not getting any attention from anyone, not even a spear is flying at you? It's okay. As you continue, you will start to be able to enjoy it even by yourself.

Besides, if I keep a smile on my face, people will naturally gather around. Believing this, I continue to post articles online, diligently keeping a pleasant smile on my face even now.

[End]

This article is participating in the "Tell Us About the Obsession You've Fallen Into" event hosted by SKY PerfecTV!, as well as the "Nami Saito New Series Start Fandom Festival" project organized by Mr./Ms. Ikematsu.

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