Back then, I was Fujino from Look Back

Amazon Prime has started streaming Tatsuki Fujimoto's work, "Look Back".

The moment I started watching it, I felt the blood drain from my body. The reason is that the way the protagonist, Fujino, dealt with "Kyomoto," whom she was jealous of for her manga talent, was exactly like my old self.

◇

"I read your book report. It's amazing."

When I was in junior high school, a friend suddenly spoke to me. Her eyes were sparkling, like jewels. Her pure gaze was so direct that I felt flustered.

She was a cool girl and not the type to praise people often. No, rather than praising those around her, I feel like she was looking at something further away. Like philosophy, or the challenges facing the Earth.

Everything she said was not something that would gain empathy. If anything, it was mostly related to her own identity. Since she talked about difficult things, I always just replied with "Hmm" or "I see."

So she is the type of person who praises others. Or rather, she was actually interested in me too. The moment I was praised, I felt happy and my cheeks broke into a smile.

The reason my friend praised my book report was because both her work and mine had been selected for the school anthology. I was already satisfied that my work had been included, and my need for approval had been met.

I thought I had written a masterpiece. Naturally, it would be selected for the anthology. Thinking back now, I was quite an arrogant junior high school girl. Of course, I hadn't read any of the other works.

On the other hand, my friend had read the other works and would personally reach out to those who wrote good ones. Even though she wasn't the proactive type, and was actually the type who rarely opened up to anyone.

Back then, I thought that being evaluated was the goal. But she saw evaluation as a "start" and had looked through other works to learn from them.

At this point, do you all understand? The difference between those who grow and those who don't.

◇

The moment Fujino goes to Kyomoto's parents' house and looks at the stacks of sketchbooks. She realizes that the person she assumed was a genius and whom she felt defeated by had been putting in overwhelming effort.

Looking at the number of sketchbooks, I wondered if I could ever put in that much effort. I once felt something similar to the confusion Fujino felt at that time. I couldn't blame it on talent.

I just didn't have enough effort. Remembering the moment that reality was thrust upon me, I stared at the screen, stunned.

◇

Because we were in the same club and happened to live in the same direction, we walked home together for a while.

Rather than being praised by her, I remember being admonished with "You shouldn't do that" or being worried about with "Are you okay?" It feels like she was more of a parent than a classmate.

If she was praising me, my book report must have been really good. Maybe I have a talent for writing. Hehe. My nose, which was about to get stuck in the air, was immediately broken.

In the anthology, my report and hers were placed side by side. As soon as I saw her work, I turned pale. I felt a jolt of electricity run through my body. And then, I was hit with the sudden urge to black out my own work completely.

If my work were placed next to such an amazing piece, wouldn't I just be compared and laughed at? It's embarrassing. I wanted to crawl into a hole. That's what I thought as soon as I finished reading her work.

Back then, I couldn't bring myself to honestly praise her. A total defeat. It was frustrating. I had lost. But I didn't want to admit it.

If I praised her, it would mean admitting defeat. So I gritted my teeth in desperation. Thinking back on it now, I had already lost the moment I thought that. Even though I might have been able to take a step forward by acknowledging and celebrating her brilliance.

My reaction to her was exactly the same as Fujino's in Look Back. It's embarrassing to admit, but I remember acting a bit arrogant the moment she praised me. Despite that, she didn't get annoyed with me and was smiling the whole time.

Hiding the frustration of defeat in my heart, I responded with as much bravado as I could muster. My friend's reaction wasn't as nervous as Kyomoto's, but the way she spoke with her eyes shining was very similar.

"How did you write it?"

"Everyone writes their thoughts on the book, right? So, instead of writing a book report, I just wrote down my own feelings all at once."

My friend said that and laughed innocently. Even though it was a book report, she was chosen for writing her "own feelings" instead of a review of the book. Her idea was novel, and her ability to give shape to those thoughts was amazing. Everything about it was so unconventional that I was left speechless.

Her expression as she talked about the book report was sparkling. Writing, reading—she must really love them. It's frustrating, but she was also exceptionally good at praising my writing. She read every single corner of it. And her feedback was filled with respect.

You are so much more amazing than I am. How are you able to convey such wonderful thoughts to others? Even though I haven't been able to say anything to you at all.

Several years later, she won a major award and became an author.

I didn't know in what form, but I had a vague feeling that she might become someone big someday. But I never imagined she would actually become an author.

I gently pick up her book from the shelf at the bookstore. The thick volume feels heavy in my hands. I wonder how much time it took to finish this book.

That girl who used to ride her bike next to me has now become a distant presence.

◇

The moment I watched Look Back, I remembered those days like a flash before my eyes. Back then, I was definitely Fujino from Look Back. If I have any regrets, it's that I didn't properly praise her back then.

Now, I understand that words have the power to support someone. In her case, someone else might have praised her even if I hadn't.

At the very least, I still remember her praising me, saying "That was good," even 30 years later. It is because I have been supported by those words that I am now working in a job involving writing as a "writer".

Nowadays, I've made it a habit to praise people before I forget, once I notice them. Perhaps those words might become a pillar of support or a salvation for someone. Believing in that, I continue to weave words together again today.