My son criticizing his mother's bedtime routine
Lately, my son has been having trouble falling asleep.
The only thing I (and every mother in the world) think about right before the "Me Time" that comes after putting the kids to bed is just one thing.
Please go to sleep as soon as possible.
In vain of such a mother's wish, my son next to me says,
"I caaaan't faaaall asleeep!"
He repeats it over and over, as if it were some kind of curse.
I pretend not to hear him. "Mom is already asleep, okay?"
Such tactics don't work on him.
"Hey, hey!" he says, shaking my shoulder vigorously.
"...Hmm?" I reply, acting like I'm super sleepy and asking what he wants, and then,
"I'm boooored!!" Even though he's supposed to be going to sleep, this boy has time to kill.
"If you close your eyes, you'll get sleepy..." I say, trying to encourage him to sleep, but that doesn't work at all,
"Let's play shiritori!" he says, inviting me with the energy of someone who is 100% full of life!
As I think to myself, (Ugh... no way...)
"Let's play shiritori! Okay, I'll start! Lamborghini!" he says, starting it on his own.
Are you serious? You want to play shiritori at this time? Are you serious?
"Lamborghini!!!!!!!!!! Hey! Lamborghini!!!"
Ughhhhh!!!!!! Stop with the 'ghini' already!!!!!!
"Garlic!!!!!" "'Ni'? ...Um... Car!"
"Pillow"
Ra? Ra-ra-ra... Land Cruiser!
Zaru...
Ru? Ru... Roomba!
...
Roomba!!
...zzzzzzzz
Hey! Mom! Don't fall asleep!!!
Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.
My brain was completely rejecting the shiritori game.
But, Mom is already sleepy...
I tried to appeal to my limits as a mother.
A silence followed, and just when I thought, 'Oh? Did my limits get through to him?', he said,
Hey, Mom.
He spoke to me in a somewhat low tone.
...Umm?
I replied in a way that said, 'I'm at my limit here, and I really want to go to sleep now, so what do you want?', and he said,
What do you think about while you're living your life, Mom?
That's so deep!
Well... what do I think about... I'm mostly thinking about you and S-kun. And then... maybe the menu for dinner...
I couldn't come up with a witty response, and while I was begging him in my heart to just go to sleep already, his questions continued,
Do you do a rehearsal for a wedding? Like when you get down on one knee and strike a pose?
What are you even talking about?
Rehearsal? No, we don't. We just do it for real on the day.
Anyway, please just go to sleep already.
"Hmm. I see. ...If you live at your parents' house, does everyone have to move out eventually?"
What kind of worry is that---
"I guess you don't have to? I don't know."
Hurry, hurry, please go to sleep. Please. You're cutting into Mom's MeTime. I'm getting frustrated...
Then he suddenly sat bolt upright,
and started doing push-ups.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?
"Haa, haa... you've gotta... keep training... all the time! Haa, haa, haa..."
And so, he started working out right before bed.
Why, why start now!
After push-ups, he started doing sit-ups.
"Phew...! Phew...! Phew...!"
Mom is going to reach a state of zen. See you later.
After sit-ups, he started doing a handstand against the wall.
"Yo! ...Yo! ...Yeah! I feel so trained now."
And with that, he lay back down on the futon. And then,
"It's hot! I can't sleep!"
He ended up even more wide awake and energized than before. Yes, I thought as much. And with that, Mom returns from her state of zen. I'm back.
"I caaaan't sleeeeep..."
He began to chant again.
.....Nnnngggghhhhh!!!!
"Look, I'll pat your back, so close your eyes!"
I patted my son's back.
Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep...
Pat, pat, pat, pat...
"Hey, your patting is way too fast!"
Excuse meeeee?!?!
Pat... pat... pat... pat...
"Ugh! Now it's too slow!"
...Ahhh!!! Shut up!!!
Just go to sleep already!
"Look, when you do the 'pat', you do it slowly, and when you lift your hand off the back, you do it quickly. Okay? Like this! I'll show you? Pat, lift! Pat, lift! Pat, lift! At this speed!"
And so, on my back, my son's patting instruction began.
At this point, an unexpected critique.
A critique of my patting.
How many years do you think I've been patting kids to sleep?!
Ah... my MeTime is drifting away... wait, don't go.
And then,
before I knew it,
both my son and I were asleep.
Did my son fall asleep because of my patting,
or did I fall asleep because of my son's patting,
there is no way to know.
Ah, I'm so tired.
Putting the kids to bed is exhausting.
The 'me time' I finally reached
will turn into my bedtime in just another hour.
Between cleaning up, brushing teeth, and stretching,
it'll be over in a flash.
...Nooooooooo!
I don't want to go to sleep yet!
I want to eat ice cream.
I want to escape reality by watching a drama.
I want to reply to my friends on LINE.
I want to look at my favorite celebrity's Instagram.
There are so many things I want to do.
I don't want to sleep.
Seven years of patting them to sleep.
I never thought I'd be criticized by my son for my patting technique.
To protect my 'me time' after putting the kids to bed, I have no choice but to master a god-tier patting technique that makes my son fall fast asleep.
That was the night I made that vow to myself.