The story of the system that supported me when I 'wanted to work but couldn't' — What I felt as someone with bipolar disorder before receiving a disability pension —

In my previous article, I wrote about how I had to change the way I work after developing bipolar disorder,
and how I started creating things again after encountering AI.

It wasn't that I disliked working.

On the contrary, I wanted to work if I could.
I wanted to stay connected to society,
and I wanted to believe that there were things I could do, too.

However, my desire to work and the physical condition that would allow me to keep working
were not always in sync.

This time, I would like to write about the disability pension,
which was one of the things that supported my life.

This is not an article that explains in detail how to apply for a disability pension.

It is a record of what I, as someone with bipolar disorder,
felt when I learned about the disability pension system,
felt hesitant about receiving it,
and yet still decided to apply for it.

The first time I heard about the disability pension was
around the time I was about to start a part-time job.

At the time, I was consulting with a disability employment support center.

I had a desire to work.
But I didn't really know for myself
how much strain I could put on my physical condition.

When I had my doctor provide employment conditions,
the number of days and hours I could work were much shorter than I had imagined.

Seeing that, the person at the support center
suggested, 'Why don't you try applying for a disability pension?'

But at that time, I couldn't accept it right away.

In the first place, I didn't know if I was eligible to receive it,
and I felt a little bit of guilt associated with the word 'pension'.

Maybe I can still work.
Even though I'm trying to work, should I really apply?
Isn't this something for people who are struggling more than I am?

I was going around in circles thinking about things like that.

So, I didn't apply at that time.

I chose to try working part-time first.

When I actually started working part-time,
I realized that I didn't actually dislike working itself.

Going out of the house.
Interacting with someone.
Having a role of my own.

That was also a happy thing for me.

However, my body did not follow as I wished.

Even for short hours, the fatigue after working was intense.
If I pushed myself too hard, I would fall into a depressive state where I couldn't move, or
conversely, my mood would become too elevated.

Even when I thought, 'I think I'll be okay with this much,'
the backlash would come later.

I want to work.
But it is difficult to keep working.

I had to gradually accept that reality.

When I had accumulated fatigue from part-time work,
I went to consult with another disability employment support center once again.

I was hoping they could help me with employment support again.

There, I was told once more.

That I might want to consider a disability pension.

Honestly, I was a little surprised.

I had been told the same thing before, and
I was told the same thing again this time.

At that time, I was taught something.

That if a disability is recognized,
there are cases where you can receive a disability pension even while working.

That the disability pension is
not a system only for 'people who must not work at all'.

Of course, it is not something anyone can receive,
but a system that is reviewed based on medical certificates, medical history, living conditions, and so on.

Even so, after hearing that,
my way of thinking changed just a little.

Perhaps the disability pension is
not something for giving up on working.

Perhaps it is a system that people who want to work but cannot work as they wish can rely on
in order not to let their lives fall apart.

I came to be able to think that way.

For a long time, I had been blaming myself somewhere deep down.

Couldn't I work if I just tried harder?
Couldn't I work normally if I managed my health better?
I'm already supported by my family, so is it really okay to rely on the system even more?

Those feelings were always there.

But bipolar disorder was not something that could be managed by willpower alone.

Just because there are days when I feel good,
it doesn't mean I can function the same way every day.

Even if I look healthy from the outside on some days,
it doesn't guarantee that I can work consistently.

It wasn't that I didn't want to work.
I tried to work, and I even took on part-time jobs.

Even so, it was difficult.

Admitting that fact
was not easy for me.

But if I kept pushing myself without admitting it,
I would eventually end up breaking down.

In that case, wouldn't it be okay to think about organizing my life little by little while receiving the support I need right now?

That is how I started to feel.

From there, I decided to apply for the disability pension.

I prepared the documents myself.

I looked back on my medical history,
what kind of symptoms I had,
how they affected my life and work,
and wrote them down one by one.

Honestly, it was a painful process.

The things I couldn't do.
The things I couldn't continue.
The times when I was suffering.

Putting those into words
felt a little heartbreaking.

But at the same time,
I also felt that I had really done my best to get this far.

Since being diagnosed,
I have continued to live while taking my medication.

While repeating cycles of depression and mania,
I somehow managed to keep going day by day.

Getting married, giving birth, and raising a child,
I still lived life in my own way.

The time spent preparing the documents
was more than just a procedure;
it was also a time to quietly look back on my past.

Then, after having my doctor write a medical certificate,
I applied for the disability pension.

When it was decided that I would receive it,
I felt a sense of relief.

Of course, that doesn't solve everything in my life,
nor does it cure my illness.

It doesn't mean I can suddenly work freely again.

Even so,
I felt like it was acknowledged that
'I am currently in a state where I need support.'

That was a very big thing for me.

The disability pension was not money to spoil me.
It was not something to keep blaming myself for not being able to work.

A foundation to keep my life from falling apart.
Support to live while undergoing treatment.
A system to regain my own pace once again.

For me, the disability pension became that kind of presence.

Even after I started receiving the disability pension,
it didn't mean my desire to work disappeared.

In fact, I think I still love to work.

That is precisely why it took me some time to accept
that I could no longer work as hard as I used to.

But now, my way of thinking has changed little by little.

Working is not the only way to connect with society.
And even if I do work,
it doesn't have to be in the same form as before.

Now, while using AI,
I try turning my daily struggles into small apps,
and I write about my experiences here on note.

That is different from working full-time,
and I don't know yet if it will become a stable income.

But for me,
it has become a small step toward starting to create things again.

The reason I am able to take that step forward
is also because there is a system that supports the foundation of my life.

I think there are many people who feel guilty
about applying for a disability pension.

I was the same.

Am I really allowed to apply?
Couldn't I try harder?
Is it okay for me, someone who isn't working, to rely on the system?

I thought about that many times.

But now I think differently.

I believe the disability pension
is a system that people who want to work but cannot
should feel free to rely on to protect their livelihood.

Before you push yourself too hard and break down,
it is okay to accept support.

Even if you cannot work the same way as others,
in order to live at your own pace,
it is okay to use the systems available to you.

The disability pension
was not a system for me to give up on working.

It was the support I needed to rebuild my life
without it falling apart, as someone who 'wanted to work but couldn't'.

And even now,
with that support, I am searching for my own path little by little.

※A brief note at the end.

This article is written based solely on my own personal experience.

The disability pension is not determined solely by the name of a disease; it is a system judged based on various factors, including your medical history, difficulties in daily life, and the impact on your ability to work.

Therefore, I believe the results can vary from person to person, even with the same illness.

If you feel like you might want to consult someone about your own situation, please do not carry the burden alone; try reaching out to a pension office, a support center, your primary doctor, or a social insurance labor consultant.

Articles I would be happy if you read as well

These are articles related to this one, written about ways of working and rebuilding one's life.

Because I have the support of a disability pension, I am now able to start creating small things with the help of AI while adjusting to my physical condition.
This is a record of how I am gradually regaining the feeling of 'wanting to work' in a way that suits me now.

This is an article I wrote about my life from before I got sick, through my diagnosis, working part-time, and finally reaching my current way of working.
It summarizes my journey of 'wanting to work but being unable to work as I wish,' which is the background to this story about disability pensions.

Thank you so much for reading this far🌷
I would be happy if this piece reached someone's heart, even just a little bit gently.
It would be a great encouragement if you could 'Like♡' or follow me🕊️