[Essay] Grandma and the Hanten.

When I was in high school, my grandma made me a cotton-padded hanten jacket.
She handmade it for me when I left home to start living in a boarding house as I entered high school.

Since I grew up in a region with very cold winters, I had been raised wearing hanten since I was a small child.
Sometimes I would even get into bed while still wearing my hanten.
Wearing a hanten in winter.
That was just a normal part of my life.

Grandma made me a long hanten that covered me all the way down to my hips.
A feat only possible because it was handmade.
It was a checkered hanten in a color somewhere between deep green and blue-green, with red lines running through it.
It was a warm hanten that kept my lower back from getting cold when I sat under the kotatsu.

As a student at a college-prep school, I wore that hanten every day during the winter and studied under the kotatsu.
The color scheme was also exquisite, and I was very fond of it.

Even when I was living alone as a university student, I spent all my time wearing that hanten.
I have memories of it up until university, but I wonder how long I actually wore it. I really loved it.
When the strings for tying it in the front looked like they were about to come off, I sewed them to reinforce them.
When the hem started to tear and looked like it would develop a hole, I mended it with a needle and thread.

I moved many times in my twenties, so I think that hanten must have been disposed of at some point.
The fact that I have no memory of disposing of it now feels like a mix of good and bad.

On one of my grandma's birthdays, I gave her a hanten as a gift.
Grandma's birthday is in February. The middle of winter.
I ordered it online and had it sent to arrive on her birthday.

When I called home to see if the product had arrived, my mother's response was strange, so when I asked if the hanten had arrived, she said that it wasn't a hanten that had arrived, but something like monpe trousers.
.
I had carefully selected a red hanten that I thought would look good on Grandma, so why did monpe arrive?
I had my mother send me a picture of the monpe and immediately contacted the shop.
The shop responded immediately, and two days later, the red hanten was delivered to my grandmother.

It turned into quite a birthday for Grandma due to the shop's mistake, but she really loved the red hanten I gave her.

When I called home, Grandma would usually answer first, and every time I called, she would say,
"Thank you for the hanten,"
even on hot summer days.

Grandma was a petite person, about 140 centimeters tall. Since the hanten I gave her was a standard adult woman's size, it seemed to be too big for her.
So Grandma didn't wear the hanten, but always slept with it draped over herself along with her futon.
Whether it was summer or winter, Grandma slept with the red hanten draped over her along with her futon.

Every time I visited home, that red hanten was on Grandma's bed, and I thought how glad I was that she really liked it.

That grandma passed away to heaven during this year's autumn equinox.

When I went to my parents' house, the red hanten was draped over Grandma's cold body.
My mother said that Grandma had spent all her time with this hanten draped over her.

The day of the encoffinment.
When Grandma was placed in the coffin, I looked for the red hanten.

My mother said she had put it away in the closet, so I asked if it would be alright for Grandma to take it with her.
Perhaps my mother wanted to keep it as a memento of Grandma, but I really wanted Grandma to take it with her to heaven.

My mother said that Grandma loved it so much, so let's have her take it with her.

I draped the red hanten over Grandma, who was resting small inside the coffin.

Grandma.
So that I can find you right away when I go to heaven,
please wear this hanten while you wait for me, even though it's a bit big.
Or maybe you've already mended it to the perfect size and are wearing it?

Thank you for never saying a word to me about it being too big to wear, for only ever thanking me, and for using the hanten instead of a futon.

I want to inherit that kind of thoughtfulness.

Even though you dislocated your shoulder after catching COVID, and later fell and broke several bones, making it impossible for you to walk,
you never once complained to me about the pain or how hard it was,
and you were always concerned about my work and my health.
Thank you so much.

I will live my life following your example, Grandma, so that the love you gave to me and everyone else can be passed on to the next generation.

I can't be you, Grandma,
but I want to get closer to who you were.

I want to see you, Grandma, wearing your red hanten.